Shorts and Sweets
by Dlvvanzor
Summary: Sometimes it takes an Oreo cookie to decide who will be on top. All genres, characters, lengths, and levels of quality! LxL, MxM, or crack. Mostly humor. Rated for language.
1. Tiny Chocolate

**Actually fairly important: **This fanfic is where Death Note ideas that are decent, but not long enough to post separately, will gather! 3 Most of them will probably be humor, and any romance will primarily be MxM or LxL. ^_^ Don't take any of them too seriously. Hope you enjoy!

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Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:**Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Humor/Romance

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"Melllllooooo..." Matt called cheerfully in sing-song.

"What do you want?!" Mello demanded. His way of saying, 'Hi, Matt. Welcome home! What is it?'

"Mello Mello Mello," the redhead crooned. You could almost hear the *heart* after his repetition of the name.

"_What?!" _Mello shouted at him. His way of saying, 'Matt?'

"Me. Low."

"_WHAT?!"_ he practically screamed. His way of saying, 'What the hell do you want, bastard?!'

"I got you something."

Suddenly Mello was a golden lab, bouncing at Matt's feet in fevered excitement. "What is it??"

Matt grinned, pushing his goggles up onto his head. "Come on, that's a stupid question. What do you _think _I got you?"

Mello's metaphorical tail started wagging like crazy. "Chocolate?"

"Yup."

With a smile, that smile that Mello loved _more _than chocolate, Matt brought out a tiny, tiny box and opened it.

Inside was one tiny chocolate truffle.

Mello tried to be polite. He really did. They were quite broke and Matt looked so happy. But _damn_ that was a small piece of chocolate. He forced a smile and squeezed as much sincerity into his voice as he could. "Thanks Matt!" His voice sounded hollow to his own ears. He added a big, toothy grin. Maybe that would help.

Matt sighed. "Thanks for trying."

Mello grin faded into a guilty smile. "Sorry."

"Try it, though. It was pretty expensive so I imagine it's good."

Not like Mello was planning on _not_ eating it just because it was a little small.

He popped it into his mouth and his eyes shot wide open, then slipped half-closed in bliss.

He hummed his pleasure as the treat dissolved on his tongue, and Matt laughed aloud.

That beautiful laugh that Mello loved more than chocolate.


	2. Naming Cake

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:** Light, L

**Genre:** Romance/Humor

"Cake-kun, please come here," L said absently. When no one responded, L looked around.

The room was empty but for him and Light, so why didn't the other male answer? He tilted his head and called louder. "Cake-kun."

Light, obviously, didn't look up from his work.

A look of childish annoyance crossed L's face. With a strong push of his legs, he rolled his chair next to Light. "Cake-kun?"

Light finally sighed. "Ryuuzaki, why have you started attaching honorifics to your cake?"

L's wide, dark eyes showed no hint of emotion. "Light-kun, I was referring to _you_."

The younger man could only stare at him for a moment. "...As 'Cake-kun?'"

"Would you prefer Cake-chan?" L asked politely.

"No. Ryuuzaki. Why are you calling me cake?"

L's rare but frighteningly mischievous smile appeared across his face. "It is customary to associate a pet name to one you are intimate with."

Light flushed slightly, remembering the previous night. "But... _cake_?"

L shrugged. "It really is not an unreasonable comparison. I love cake, and I obviously have feelings for you. I like the taste of cake; I also enjoy the taste of you. I believe I had a few more connections, but if you'll recall we were rather... preoccupied... last night, which is when I developed this name for you."

Light rubbed his temples. No. It was okay. He wasn't going to fight this particular quirk.

He smirked, an evil idea popping into the mind he had no idea was evil. "Then what can I call _you_?"

L pondered the ceiling for a moment. "Whatever you like, Cake-kun."

"How about Butt Buddy?"

This caught L so off-guard that he actually fell out of his chair. Light laughed and leaned down to pull him up, but L, after taking his hand, yanked him to the floor with him.

Light landed, still laughing, on top of L. When he tried to get up, L clamped his arms around his waist.

"You are going nowhere," he mumbled, nuzzling into Light's neck. "You will stay here with me until you think of a more appropriate nickname."

"Maybe I won't think of another name, then. 'Getting away from you' is a poor incentive. Besides, I'm handcuffed to you." Light jingled the chain as best he could in his current position.

Light felt L shrug. "I still would prefer a different nickname."

"Too bad. If I'm Cake-kun, then you're Butt Buddy."

"Then I'm afraid I will be forced to hold you right here in the middle of the floor. Our colleagues should be arriving shortly."

"They're going to have to deal with it. I'm not changing it."

"Cake-kun," L said threateningly.

"Yes Butt Buddy?" Light responded innocently.

"I love you."

"'Love you too."


	3. Easy

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:** L, Light

**Genre:** Humor/General

"See?" Light asked, showing L the paper. "Easy as cake."

L put his thumb to his mouth and tilted his head. He didn't look at the paper, instead staring at Light with wide eyes.

He blinked. "I like cake."


	4. Oreo Decisions

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Oreo cookies.

**Characters:** Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

Solemnly, Matt held out an Oreo cookie, flat on his palm.

Mello, equally serious for once, took hold of one of the disks. Matt gripped the other between two fingers, and then they were holding the cookie between them.

"Alright," Matt said calmly. "Whoever gets more frosting on his half gets to top."

Mello nodded. "Can I have the cookie part afterwards?"

"Yes, if I can have the frosting."

"Okay. Let's do this."

They eyed each other like duelists, and twisted the cookie.

"Yes!" Matt crowed, pumping his fist in the air. "I got all the frosting! You're my bitch, bitch!"

"Fine," Mello grumbled.

Matt grinned and shaved the frosting off the cookie with his teeth, making Mello shudder, and handed the blond the chocolate part. Mello ate them quickly and then sighed. "Well? Where do you want me today?"

Matt grinned. "Right here."


	5. Practically a Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or anything related to Resident Evil. I also do not own the phrase 'blatant faggotry': I borrowed it from a movie called '200 Dollar American,' which I also do not own.

**Characters:** Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship/Romance

**Note: I'm not bashing Mello; I love him. He is currently the wallpaper of my phone.**

**Warning: Language. It's Mello and Matt.**

"Matt," Mello said abruptly.

I ignored him.

"Matt!"

"Shut up."

"I need to talk to you."

"I'm busy."

"You're playing Resident Evil 5."

"Yes, I'm busy playing Resident Evil 5."

My fingers slammed down on a button and a monster's head blew up. I smiled.

"But I need to talk to you!" Mello argued.

"This is not Mello time. This is mutant-zombie-thingy time."

Mello plopped down next to me. "But Matt..." he said quietly. "It's important."

I looked longingly at my game for a moment more, then put it on pause and muted the TV. I looked at my best friend. "Alright. What."

Mello suddenly looked like he had changed his mind. "Um... you know?... Never mind, it's fine."

"No. You pulled me out of game mode and into 'reality' and now you're gonna tell me what was so damn important that you couldn't wait for Mello Time."

"Well... uh..."

"Mello, spit it out." What could he possibly have to say that would take him so long?!

But I could tell it was hard for him, whatever it was, and when I saw that he was actually turning red I couldn't help but soften.

"Mels, I'm your best friend. There's nothing you can't tell me. What happened?"

"Nothing _happened_..."

"Well then... what?"

"Matt..." he sighed, then the Mello I knew took over and he said it confidently. "I'm gay."

I blinked at him. "Yeah. And?"

He blinked back. "That's... all."

I rolled my eyes, turning back to my game. "Wow, thanks for taking me out of my game for that. Really appreciate it."

"You _knew_?" he asked, shocked.

"Mello, it's pretty fucking obvious. Lookit how you dress. _Midriff _shirts? And they're even leather! And you're completely obsessed with Near. _And_ more than half of the people we meet think you're my girlfriend."

He blinked a few more times. "Huh. I didn't realize it was so noticeable."

"Blatant faggotry," I confirmed. "Can I _please_ play my game now? I just got pimp clothes for them and the guy looks hysterical."

"Uh... yeah."

He got up and wandered away, still looking dazed and bewildered. Honestly. I mean, I've met subtle gay guys. Like... well... like _me, _for example. When you meet me, it's not the first thing you think. It's not HOLY FUCK YOU'RE GAY, it's Wow, you spend a _lot_ of time indoors, don't you? and, Interesting goggles you have there... um... why? With Mello, you don't even have to meet him. Your gaydar goes off when he's barely in your line of sight. That's assuming you don't think he's a girl.

Seriously. For someone so intelligent, he's really an idiot.

But you know. I still kind of... love him... and stuff. Even thought he's practically a woman.


	6. Grocery Shopping

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:** Roger

**Genre:** Humor

Roger glanced down at his sharply-creased grocery list, running his eyes over the familiar requirements for life at Wammy's to go on as he knew it.

_-2 jars strawberry jam_

_-1 package sugar cubes_

_-1 pack nicotine patches_

_-1 box cake mix_

_-14 tins coffee, extra caffeine if possible_

_-4 gallons milk_

_-2 cartons eggs_

_-19 bars of chocolate_

_-1 bottle chocolate syrup_

_-1 leather repair kit_

_-Newest Transformers toy_

_-20 rolls toilet paper_

_-2 bottles shampoo_

_-1 pad goggle cleaner_

_-3 reams printer paper_

_-1 bottle bleach_

Yes, his wards were weird. Yes, they all had very odd habits and... eccentricities... if you will. Yes, they required an almost insurmountable amount of work and attention. Yes, he passionately hated children. But they were all... just _that smart_. No one, including Roger, would indulge them if they weren't.

Roger made an exclamation and jotted something down on his list. He had almost forgotten the strawberries.


	7. The Sims

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or The Sims.

**Characters:** Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Romance/Humor, darkish moment at the end if you squint.

**Note: I had him playing The Sims 2 instead of the new Sims 3, only because I'm more familiar with The Sims 2.**

"What are you doing?" Mello demanded.

"Playing The Sims 2, what's it look like?" Matt replied pleasantly.

Mello leaned in over his shoulder. "How is it?"

"Good, 'cept for the clothes. I downloaded more, though. There was nothing I could use for your leather, really, otherwise."

Mello tilted his head and looked closer at the screen. "You made me?"

"Yep. You and me were the first ones I made. Everyone makes themselves at some point."

"I don't see me," Mello announced.

Matt right-clicked on a little box, and the Mello Sim was suddenly front and center.

"What's he doing?"

"Cooking."

"Huh."

"Wait. Shit! I didn't put in a-"

But, as so many Sims players have experienced, it was too late.

The food 'Mello' was cooking caught fire, and the Mello Sim promptly freaked out. Matt desperately instructed him to leave the premises, but the Sim wouldn't obey. Changing strategies, Matt tried to get his own Sim to call the "fire department," but the house had been designed to resemble their real-life apartment, and the phone was in the kitchen with the fire.

"Wait! I'll make Matt go in and put it out!"

"No!" Mello prevented him from moving his mouse to stop 'Matt' from fleeing as he was.

"But he might be able to save him!"

"It's not worth it. Matt could die too."

"But Matt loves him! He's gonna go around bursting into tears all the time!"

"Mello wouldn't want him to die for him, or to die _with_ him," Mello said quietly.

Matt sighed. "Fine. But I can understand if you don't want to watch this. Sims burn to death really... slowly. It's not nice at _all_."

Mello suddenly laughed. "We got really into that."

"I raised them both from birth! I made our _parents!_" Matt said defensively, but he was smiling, too. "And plus, Mels, it's _you_, in video-game form. The two things I love the most, put together. Can you really blame me for getting worked up?"

Mello kissed him quickly. "Nope. I'm pretty awesome."

"Promise me you'll never burn to death?"

He could never have known.

Mello laughed. "Promise me you'll never run in after me if I start to?"

"Nope." Matt said it lightly, but his face was dead serious.

Mello knew there was no arguing with him when he used that tone, so he merely laughed and tried not to imagine it. "Then I'll do my very best not to burn to death in a fire."

Matt smiled. "You better."

Mello rested his head on top of Matt's, and they watched as a little animated grim reaper separated the simulated lovers, and as the fire burned out, and as the 'Matt' Sim wept.


	8. My Girl

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the song My Girl.

**Characters:** Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Humor/Romance

_"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day."_

Matt blinked. Mello was... singing? What?

_"When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May."_

He was a good singer! Weird. He was also apparently in one of his cuddly moods, because he came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He put his chin on his shoulder and squeezed him.

"Hey," Matt said shyly.

Mello held him tight and started to sway, and Matt moved with him, laughing and turning around in his arms to face him properly.

_"I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way?"_

That was sweet, although Matt slightly resented being called a girl, even if he _had_ been uke the night before.

_"Chocolate."_

Matt froze.

_"Talking 'bout, choc laaaat... chocolate!"_

"Bitch," Matt muttered under his breath, and stormed away.


	9. How to Read

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the thirteenth volume, How to Read. Nor do I own Spongebob Squarepants, although that has nothing to do with this fic. Have you ever noticed that Spongebob and Light wear the same outfit? Compare some pictures. It's freaky. As a Light fangirl, this fact all but gave me a nervous breakdown. Saving grace: Spongebob wears short khakis and Light wears long. Phew.

**Characters:** L

**Genre:** Humor

**Note: This won't make sense unless you've read or at least skimmed Death Note 13: How to Read. :)**

L stared in horror at the black book in his hand, the number 13 emblazoned in white numbers on its spine.

"How to Read" he pronounced easily in English. Okay, fine, but why did it have a _picture_ of him on it?!

He opened it up.

"Name card?"

His eyes shot wide open when he found his real name written right there on a little card.

With amazing speed, L crammed the card back into the book and flipped a bunch of pages.

_"Watari?" _he yelped. Sure enough, a photo, the real name, and all the stats of his friend were right there, laid out, _asking_ Kira to kill him. "Near? Mello? Matt?? _Roger??_"

All had their real names, right next to a picture, as blatant as could be.

He gaped for a moment more, trying to _imagine_ who could have done this, before whipping the book into the fireplace. He watched as the pages crinkled, blackened, and crumbled, satisfied.

There.

It was a very, very good thing that he had gotten hold of it before Kira had.

There probably wouldn't be any copies of a book like that.

Crisis averted.


	10. Crossword Puzzles

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, crossword puzzles, or Sudoku.

**Characters:** Roger, L, Wammy Boys

**Genre:** General

All schools go through fads, whether they revolve around Livestrong bracelets, Rubix cubes, "yo mama" jokes, or chocolate-covered cherries. Wammy's House, although consisting of undeniably extraordinary students, was no exception.

When Matt, Mello, and Near were students, the thing was crossword puzzles. (Except for Near, who preferred numbers to letters and was always doing Sudoku.)

Roger sighed. It was almost impossible to find a crossword puzzle that was even close to difficult enough for his geniuses. He started them at college-level puzzles, but Mello kept stealing the book before they could be distributed and solving all the puzzles with the help of Matt.

He had tried harder and harder puzzles with harder and more obscure clues, but it was what the children were _made _to do- they were simply too good at figuring out the answer to any question offered to them.

So Roger had finally decided.

Who were all the children trying to be?

L.

Who was the only person who could even hope to create something the kids would at least struggle with?

L.

Of course.

So Roger contacted Watari, who told him their location, and now L and Roger were sitting in a hotel room in stiff armchairs, facing each other and drinking tea.

"So like I said," Roger continued. "Not only is it the 'thing' at the orphanage, but I also believe it is beneficial to their intellectual and social development. That being said, could you be convinced to create a puzzle that they would not be able to complete so readily?"

L considered, but only for a very short moment.

"Very well. I will email you the puzzle in an attachment when I am done."

Roger cringed. "Please don't. If you email me, you'll ask me to destroy my computer again."

L nodded, the ghost of a smile present on his blank features. "It is true. I will have Watari contact you."

Roger presented the puzzle a few days later with a feeling of very deep satisfaction.

Even Near hadn't been able to solve that one.


	11. Don't Want That

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:** Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship

"I'm so hungry," Matt whined good-naturedly.

Mello rolled his eyes. "It's gonna be a while. The place is three more hours from here and I'm not pulling over."

Matt sighed and sunk down in the passenger's seat. His stomach growled loudly, demandingly.

"Mello," he complained, really more to get a rise out of his best friend for his own amusement than for any other reason. He had been in the car for two hours, now, and he had nothing else to do.

Mello growled and shoved his hand down the front of his (own) pants. Matt's eyes shot wide open as Mello removed his hand, producing a bar of chocolate.

"Here," the blond grunted, tossing it at the redhead.

"Ugh!" Matt declared, whipping it right back at him. "I don't want your crotch chocolate!"

"The leather's tight, okay?! There's nowhere else to keep it!"

"Whatever, man."

Mello shrugged. "More for me." He unwrapped the bar and snapped off a bite.


	12. LABB

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, nor do I own Death Note: Another Note, the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases.

**Characters:** Light

**Genre:** Humor

Light, appalled, held a copy of Death Note: Another Note, the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases.

_'There's also a chance that Kira might read this... and I hope he does. If these notes tell the murderer, who only got by with the help of a supernatural killing notebook and an idiot of a shinigami, that he was, under any other circumstances, not even worth the dirt beneath L's shoes, then they have served their purpose.'_

"Little leather-wearing queen!" Light exploded, whipping the book across the room. "There are a lot of _rules _to that 'supernatural killing notebook,' okay?! And that shinigami never helped me a day in his life!"

Light crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, realizing that he was pouting but unable to stop himself. "And L doesn't wear shoes," he added under his breath.


	13. Trick Question

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:** L, Light

"Light-kun, I have never done this before. I will have to ask you to go easy on me."

"It's not bad, Ryuuzaki. You'll get used to it."

"I'm sure, but Light-kun... ngh!"

"Don't force it. Be gentle and it'll go in."

"Alright."

"There, you got it. All set? Okay. You go first."

"What do I do?"

"Guess."

"Oh... okay."

"Ryuuzaki, look at your own."

"I apologize, Light-kun."

"It's okay; you've never done this before."

"Is this right?"

"Miss."

"Very well. You try."

"Did I get it?"

"Hit!"

"Don't make so much noise- we're supposed to be working."

"I apologize. Again, this is new to me. I am merely excited."

"I know. You want to try again?"

"Very well."

"Miss. My turn."

"I think I got it."

"I'm still going to top you."

"Hit and sink. You have sunk my smallest vessel, Light-kun."

Light leaned back, arms folded, and smirked. He never lost at Battleship. Ever.

Spoiler disclaimer: I do not own Battleship either.

^-^


	14. Mail Call

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**Characters:** Matt, Mello

**Genre:** Humor

"Mail's here!" Mello announced, holding a small pile of bills and junk mail.

Matt stuck his head around his the corner. "Of course I'm here, I live here." He walked into the room fully, looking around. "Who are you talking to?"


	15. Watari Bakes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Watari**

**Genre: General/Humor**

"And the winner is... Quintin Whallop!"

Quillsh Wammy grinned and stepped up on stage, holding his newly-dubbed first-place cake for the cheering audience to see. The second place winner- a professional- wasn't looking pleased with the judge's decisions.

The funny thing was that, seventeen years ago, when he found the little eight-year-old L, he was a terrible cook. But a ward that requires a constant influx of cake is conducive to learning.

One can only bake so many hundreds of strawberry cakes before getting the hang of it.


	16. Pitcher or Catcher

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mikami and Misa**

**Genre: Humor**

"Say whatever you want, Mikami-san, but _Misa_ was Light's first ally," Misa said airily, dismissing the man with a casual wave of her doll-like hand. "Besides, Light _loves_ me. Beat _that!_" She stuck her tongue out at him.

She faltered, though, when Mikami only smiled.

"What!?" she demanded of him.

"He can't love you as much as you think," he said smugly. "He's _sleeping_ with _me_."

Misa's eyes were saucers. "WHAT!? No! I don't believe you!"

"Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at 9:30 pm."

Misa gaped at him. Freakin overly-scheduled Mikami! Stealing her boyfriend and... wait!

"Light's straight. There's no _way_ he's sleeping with you. You're lying!"

"Whatever you say. Gotta comment, though. For a straight guy, he really seems to enjoy taking it."

Misa snorted. "Now I _know_ you're lying. Light would never take it from someone. From _anyone_, let alone _you_. I'd be willing to bet that_ you're _the one taking it up the ass and that you're happy to do it." Misa smirked.

"You're right, but you just admitted that we're sleeping together."

"...Darn it!"

"And this is why he likes me better. Because _I'm_ not an idiot."

"What's it like to bleed from the rectum?" Misa asked innocently.

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know. And what's it like to be dating a guy that won't sleep with you, not because he wants to wait, but because he's _gay_?"

"Oh, I never said that Light's not sleeping with me. For all _you_ know, he's sleeping naked in my bed right now!"

"Impossible."

"Why?"

"Because it's Tuesday, and it's 10:30, and he's still asleep in _my_ bed!"

"You... you..."

"Another reason he likes me more. _I _don't babble like an idiot."

"Freak!"

"Slut!"

"Uke!"

"Not getting any!"

"Four-eyes!"

"Goth-lolli!"

"Puppy!"

"Gay fly!"

"I hate you!"

"I don't care because Light-sama doesn't!"

Misa stomped her foot. "Bastard!" she screamed, and stormed away.

Mikami smiled smugly to himself and went back to his room to see if Light was awake yet.


	17. Apoptosis

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello, and Near**

**Genre: Humor**

"...What... are you doing."

Mello jumped a mile straight into the air. How could he have _possibly_ not heard me coming?

Then I saw what had so distracted him.

He wasn't wearing black.

He was wearing white.

He was dressed as _L_.

"What... the... fuck..." I managed.

He was even _barefoot_.

"Mello... why are you dressed as... _Near_?!"

The smaller boy had popped his head out from around a corner, and when his body followed, it was also clad in an outfit that was distinctly not his.

"You guys..."

Mello's eyes were huge, but Near seemed perfectly calm, as usual.

"We were curious as to whether or not these clothes would improve our deductive abilities. I deduce that they have not. If Mello here agrees with me, we will both shortly be returning to our customary attire."

I blinked at him.

He blinked right back.

"Whatever," I offered, and spun on my heels to go play games until I killed whatever brain cell was in charge of that memory.


	18. Just as He Is

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Near, reflecting on Matt. Mentions of MxM.**

**Genre: Friendship**

Matt's not stupid. Contrary to the belief of the casual passerby, he's really very, very intelligent.

He's smarter than _me_.

Matt hasn't always been third at Wammy's. When he first came in, he tested higher than Mello, even higher than me. He couldn't maintain it, however, or, rather, he wouldn't. I work much harder than I let on. Mello works much harder than _he_ lets on, and he already appears to work constantly. _Matt_ is third without trying. In a house of 74 geniuses, he is third without lifting a finger. He doesn't study, he doesn't read the books, and he barely pays attention in class.

He's just lazy, honestly, and too complacent to get involved in the competition between Mello and myself. He also loves Mello too much to cause him the damage being knocked down the third would do his psyche, not that he has told anyone about his feelings. He doesn't _care_ to be first. He likes his games, likes his free time, likes his naps in class. All he would have to do is stay awake for a week and _maybe_ read over the textbook, and he could surpass me without much trouble. I'm brilliant, but I'm no Matt.

Perhaps his superior intellect has allowed him to make a better decision. He has not sold his soul to his mind like I have. He has enough of _himself_ left to feel love, while I do not. (This, incidentally, is the final step that Mello cannot take. He loves Matt, too, which Matt, for all his intelligence, doesn't realize.) Matt has hobbies, interests; I do not. Matt is kind and gentle. I am blank.

Matt is quiet, but he is always watching and listening. Nothing goes on that he doesn't notice. He has the amazing ability to split his attention between his games and the goings on, flawlessly. Most people can split their attention to some extent. For example, I am skilled at watching several screens at once. It's not the same, however, as what Matt can do. He can handle as many different functions at once as you can give him. He could take an oral exam while focusing on his DS, and he'd ace the tests and beat the game. He can function logically and creatively at the same time, many times over. He could easily complete several different logic puzzles in his head while writing a paper about history and listening to music. Impossible things, things that Matt has proved possible.

I know this, and I believe that Mello senses it, but no one else has any idea. Even Roger and Wammy don't know. L has never seen him for more than a minute at a time, so it's unlikely that even _he_ knows.

Matt's disguise is excellent. I do not let the adults in on his secret: they would force him to work, and I rather like my rank.

But more, they would change him.

As much of a loss as the waste of his mind may be, as incredible as this mind undeniably is, he uses his abilities to be a, well, a _good person_. He is capable of calming _Mello_. That in itself is a service. Matt... he helps the people he comes across, and in an orphanage there are many people who need help. Perhaps he himself will not become great by any classic definition of the word, but he will allow others to move on from their pasts and themselves become great in _every_ sense of the word.

I cannot allow Wammy or Roger to discover what Matt really is. I cannot accept anyone trying to change him.

The world needs him exactly the way he is.


	19. Many Thanks

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Hershey's, or Wii Sports.**

**Characters: Mello and Matt**

**  
Genres: Humor/Friendship**

Mello was lounging sprawled out on our couch when I came in the door.

"Hey," he greeted me absently.

I tossed a six-pack of Hershey's bars at him as a response and he caught it deftly, barely even looking. I briefly wished I could do that. Outside of Wii Sports, that is.

"Thanks."

"You're wel-"

All my mental functions screeched to a halt. "You just... _thanked_ me," I sputtered.

"No shirt, Sherlock." He tore the bag with his teeth. "What gave it away?"

I knew he was being sarcastic, but, nevertheless, my mind would absolutely not compute. I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

"I do it occasionally!" he said defensively.

"No, you don't. Ever. Mels, I've known you for eleven years and I've _never_ heard you say that."

"Seriously?" He frowned, trying to focus. "I _must_ have said it at some point."

"Unless you went out of your way to never thank someone unless I wasn't around, then no. Seriously Mello. I didn't think you could even pronounce it."

"I must have said it sarcastically at some point!" He now looked as confused as I felt.

"I'm pretty sure you haven't."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"I know."

"I'm kind of an ass, aren't I?"

"Yep."


	20. Puppy Dog

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello and Matt**

**Genre: General/Romance/Humor**

Matt's just like a puppy.

I'm not even joking.

Think about it.

Dogs are famous for their loyalty, right? They're perfectly willing to be dominated and ruled, and they'll come right back to a master that treats them like dirt, wagging their tail as they do. That's Matt right there. I abandon him, then _years_ later I tell him to come, and he immediately comes. Who does that? I sure as hell wouldn't. But Matt, puppy extraordinaire, did it in a second.

And, okay, when you think about a dog, you think unconditional love, right? Like, it doesn't matter what you look like or what you've done, your dog will still love you. I melted half my face and I've murdered fourteen people, and Matt's still always happy to see me. He still loves me. I'm a_ monster_, and it doesn't matter to him. He _still_ tells me I'm beautiful.

Puppies tend to be funny, too. They'll run after a ball and lose traction on wood or tile floor, and they'll slide headlong into furniture. They'll chew on their feet. They'll wag their tail so hard that their butt moves, or they'll be otherwise hilarious. MY puppy is the only person in the world who never fails to make me laugh. He can even make me smile when I'm busy being mad at Near. It's a gift Matt has.

Would you believe me if I told you that Matt also loves peanut butter? Peanut butter, carrots, and cheese. Just like a dog, I'm telling you.

And another thing. You know how everyone has their... intimate preferences? Like how some people _really_ like their neck being kissed. Personally, I have a thing for Matt's hands; holding them, sucking on his fingers, things like that. He usually doesn't let me, but that's my favorite. Matt? Matt likes to be pet. No lie. Stroke his hair and he'll go perfectly still and relaxed, and then proceed to love you forever. And as for what he tends to do to _me_? He nips.

AND he's just down right fucking _cute_. He has prize-winning puppy eyes that even got extra desserts from the Nazi known as Roger. And his smile melts you right where you stand. It's utterly irresistible. Believe me. I've tried. But he's just so _cute_...

I think he knows he's slightly on the canine side, and if he does he also knows I like it. And, you know, being completely, madly in love with him kind of helps the whole situation.

Oh, and did I mention that his favorite way to fuck is doggie-style?

Just sayin'.


	21. Instant Bondage

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: My friend drew a whole comic around this, like full-sized! And it's... like... all lemon. Instant nosebleed. It has Nine Inch Nails 'Closer' playing in the background XD**

**I wrote this a looooong time ago. It was one of the first DN fics I wrote. O.O**

**This is not lemon, though. :(**

**Genre: Humor/Romance**

**Characters: Light and L**

"Light Yagami," L said suddenly.

"What?"

"Nothing." The wide-eyed young man turned back to the computer monitor, again focusing his attention completely on whatever it was he was doing.

Light shrugged it off. L was a weirdo, he knew that already.

"Light-kun," he said again.

"Ryuuzaki."

"Never mind." His face showed no hint of what he might be thinking.

Light could feel a vein in his head twitch. He tried to remain calm. "All right then."

L began typing like a madman, starting so suddenly that the handcuffs pulled Light off his chair. He hit the ground hard.

"I apologize," L said vaguely.

Light pulled himself up, causing L's hand to be pulled off the keyboard. He still managed to keep typing, however.

Light calmly sat back down and resumed his work.

Time passed slowly.

"Hey Light-kun..."

Light jumped to his feet. "What do you want?!"

L looked at him. "I was merely going to ask you why you think I chained us together."

Light blinked. "Because you're trying to figure out if I'm Kira. You told me that."

L unfolded himself and stood up, placing himself directly in front of Light. "Don't you think handcuffs are a bit drastic? Don't you think I could have come up with a better way?" His eyes were wide, his voice a perfect monotone.

Light said nothing.

"So, obviously, I have another motive. What do you think that might be, Light Yagami?"

Light gave a smug, slightly mischievous smile. "Maybe you just like it."

L held up one long, white finger. "Instant." He held up another. "Bondage."


	22. Solemn High Five

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Watari, and it could either be Mello or Matt. Take your pick. : )**

**Genre: Family/Angst**

Getting into Wammy's House was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I came in relatively older than most kids did, at the age of twelve. I hadn't even known I was a genius because I'd stopped going to school in fifth grade, the better to prostitute myself to the pedophiles of the world to stay alive when my parents died.

It was bad stuff. I got into some... very unpleasant... situations with some very unpleasant men. Often I was treated... unpleasantly.

The only one at the House who knows about this "unpleasantness" is Wammy.

There is a special place in Heaven for that man. (He's calling himself Watari right now, but whatever name he goes by, he'll always be Wammy to me.) Anyway, a special place in Heaven with a great view of the Pearly Gates is reserved right for the man who takes in dozens of orphans in every situation and hugs a young prostitute before promptly taking _him_ in, too.

I hadn't been hugged in years, by that point, and I was probably crawling with disease, but he scooped me right up. I had thought he was planning on hiring me, but when those gentle arms came around me and lifted me, I immediately burst into tears. I hadn't cried in _years_, and there I was bawling in a stranger's careful embrace.

He didn't even seem surprised or startled. This probably happened to him a lot, considering that gentle face and gentle touch and the nature of what he does, namely taking in exceptional orphans.

And he's never told anyone. Okay, so my doctor figured it out, but Wammy's never even _mentioned_ it again after that first night. Like he's erasing it from me. Like he's deleted my past. He made it not matter, made it so that it never even happened. He never treated me any different than any of the others.

Wammy, you're going straight to Heaven. I solemnly high-five you.

**Do you think this was Matt or Mello? I can't decide. XD Actually, would you let me know which one you thought it was? Just out of curiosity. Thanks for reading!**


	23. Orgy Porgy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or this title, which is a line from A Brave New World, which I also do not own. But I do own Pierce, Igloo, and Rane! Yay! :D**

**Characters: Matt and Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I heard somewhere that the actual definition of an orgy is eight people in a room with their socks off. Dunno if it's true (I don't want to google 'orgy' to find out), but please operate under the assumption that it is. ^.^ Enjoy!**

"Matt, I want to have an orgy."

The gamer almost choked on his cigarette. _"What?!"_ he sputtered.

"Eight people with their socks off. Someone told me that the actual definition of an orgy is eight people in one room with their socks off."

"...really?"

"Yes!" He grabbed at the other boy's foot and started yanking off his sock. "Come on! I wanna be able to say I had one!"

Matt considered it as Mello worked at the cloth on his feet. It really would be awesome to be able to say he'd had one. "Um... okay." He let Mello fight his socks off all the way. "There's only two of us," he pointed out.

Mello's grin turned evil.

Matt knew that face. "Who else..." he asked warily.

"Near, Linda, Pierce, Igloo, Rane..."

Matt groaned. "Mel, no."

"Yep."

"No, that's just so... ugh. And how'd you even get Near to-"

"Can you honestly tell me you don't want to be able to truthfully say that you had an orgy with _THE_ L?"

Matt opened his mouth. Matt closed his mouth. Matt tried once more, and when he spoke, he only said one word. "How."

"He's always barefoot. All we have to do is walk in without socks. We're doing it now. Come on."

Matt grinned and followed Mello out of their room.

**I know it's stupid XD**


	24. Some Things Never Change

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt and Mello**

**Genre: Friendship/Humor**

I know I hadn't seen him in years, but _this, _I thought, was completely obscene. "You actually go _out_ like that?!" I demanded of him. I mean yeah, he looked... really hot... but who goes out in all _leather_?

"Yeah. So?"

"SO you're overcompensating."

"So what if I am? Shit! I mean... you're too... Fuck you!"

That was his old, familiar response when he couldn't think of a comeback fast enough. I relaxed immediately and we fell into our old routine. "And how do you not get sick?"

"Tolerance."

"Why aren't you fat?"

"I work out."

"Why doesn't your chocolate melt when you hold it?"

"I have skills, unlike you."

"What-"

"Matt, will you just shut the fuck up already?!"

Yes, something things never changed.


	25. Better Than That

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: My friend Alanna gave me this idea. We were walking and I asked her if she thought Light ever slept with Misa (sadly we talk about this kind of thing in our free time- we're LxL shippers) and she said no. I asked her how she thought he could have gotten out of it, and this drabble was born. ^-^ Enjoy!**

**Characters: Light and L**

**Genres: Humor/Romance**

L actually chuckled in Light's arms as they lay naked under his covers, bodies intertwined.

"Misa-san would likely not be pleased if she were to find out," he noted, "that the man she has been sleeping with has feelings for another man."

Light grinned. "Oh, I never slept with her."

L squirmed until he was facing his newfound lover. "Oh? How did you avoid it?"

"Wanna see?"

L nodded.

Light didn't even have to hesitate. His whole demeanor changed in an instant. He leaned over L and took him by the chin, tilting his head up. He kissed him gently, deeply. "Misa..." he breathed, his voice low, smooth, breathy. "Misa, I love you. And I- I want you so badly but..." he let his voice trail off and his next breath hitch in his throat as he looked 'Misa' dead in the eyes. "You're better than that." He swallowed hard and ducked his head, placing kisses slowly up L's pale neck, making sure he could feel his warm, wet breath. L moaned in his throat despite himself, and Light restrained his own reaction to the sound. "Misa, wait for me," he whispered beggingly. "Please."

Light dropped his act and let himself fall back to where he had been lying.

L couldn't move.

"I see," he murmured. "I gather that it was effective."

Light smirked and shifted in his place, getting comfortable. "Exceedingly."

**It would work on me O.O**


	26. Wammy's Children

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Watari (Wammy)**

**Genre: Angst/Family**

During the day, my children -and they _are_ my children, I always call them such- are well-adjusted, polite, and (mostly) well-behaved. They attend their classes and do their best work. When they are ill, they are taken care of. We have all our meals together in a large room, and they may sit wherever they wish. Once they are fourteen, they are allowed to go into town any time during the day without an adult, as long as they bring at least one other House member and return before dark.

They are allowed a very healthy amount of freedom with enough rules to keep them safe and aid their development, and, during the day, there is an excited, intelligent, happy, and mildly chaotic atmosphere that seems quite suited to us all.

It is still, though, an orphanage, and no matter how much I can provide for them, how much we all tell and show them that we love them, no matter how happy we can make their lives, Wammy's is still a place for children who have lost their parents.

At night, when they are all in their rooms, rooms which they can choose to share or live alone in, they cry.

No matter how brilliant they are, no matter how mature, they are still children. They miss their parents, or wish they could remember them, or wish they could forget. Whatever the individual case, they cry.

Even the older ones. I heard Matt cry in the room he and Mello shared more than once as I made my rounds. I heard Mello's comforting murmurs. And once, I heard it the other way 'round- Mello was sobbing and Matt was whispering to him. Even the fiery Mello is a child.

It breaks my heart in ways I can not describe, knowing there is nothing I can do, but I am helpless. I'd bring their parents back to them if I could, no matter what it took, but I haven't the power. I can't do any more than what I've already done, and I can only pray that it will be enough.

During the day, I give them everything I can.

At night, I weep for their loss.


	27. Hugs Speak Louder

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: Matt**

_________________________________________

I still remember the day when, for all intents and purposes, I became Mello's sidekick. When I knew I loved him, and when I knew I always _would._ Amazingly, I was nine years old at the time. Ten years ago, now.

I'm not gay. I'm not straight, either. I'm just _for Mello_, and only for him. Male or female, I would have loved him. Even now, there's nothing he could do to me, himself, or anyone else that could make me leave him, or even _want_ to leave him.

As I said, I was nine. It was a silly little thing, what made me realize it, but it did and I did and that was the end of it.

See, he hugged me.

Silly, right? I know it is.

It's not like I had any shortage of hugs in my life. My parents were great until they died. Watari was a huggy person, and Roger seemed to like me for some unimaginable reason and he'd occasionally let me hug him around the neck. L made sure to hug all of us. Near even hugged me once. And the girls at the orphanage were _always_ hugging me, because apparently I was/am adorable.

But Mello's hug was nothing like any of those. We were best friends, and were _nine_, but his hug was so strong, so real, and so intensely alive that it felt like he hugged me right straight into my soul. It was fire and electricity at the same time.

And he noticed it too, oh yes. He jumped back at least a foot and we stared at each other for a while. Then he walked right back up to me and hugged me again, but this time it was just...

...warm, safe, strong, _love._

I've hugged a lot of people in my life, but it's never been like that.

But it always is with him.

So yeah, I'm his sidekick. Yeah, I'm his best friend. Yeah, I'm his lover. And, yeah, sometimes I'm even his bitch.

But you know what? It's Mello.

And it's totally, 100 percent worth it.


	28. Analysis

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light and L**

**Genre: Romance/Humor**

_______________________________________________________________

"I wonder, Light-kun, if I would love you even were you not Kira."

Light froze and slowly turned his head to look at L.

"_What?_" he demanded.

"I do not believe you misheard me," L said, staring at him with his huge, dark eyes.

Light shook his head. "Ryuuzaki, did you just confess _love_ to me?"

"Did you just confess to being Kira?"

"Of course not!" Light exploded at him. "Look, Ryuuzaki, was that a confession or a trap?"

L tilted his head, his ebony locks falling to the side he leaned to. His thumb took its accustomed position upon his bottom lip, jangling the chain binding the men. "Why can it not serve as both?"

Light, genius extraordinaire, could only gape at the equally brilliant man in front of him. He was in _love_ with him? When did this happen? When had they ever had any kind of "moment" that would inspire feelings anywhere _near_ tender? Not that he... _minded_... or anything...

"..._Why?_" Light demanded.

"Is Light-kun really so insecure as to wish to be told what about him is desirable?"

"No. Ryuuzaki, I just don't understand _why_. We've never actually had anything between us that should inspire these types of feelings."

L actually considered this. "You are correct. But can I not be attracted to you regardless of whether or not we've experienced intimacy?"

Light found himself blushing slightly, and he noticed that his heart was racing.

"Um... it's not unheard of."

"I agree."

"Sometimes," Light added quietly, "I wonder if _I _would still love you even if you weren't L."

L looked at the ceiling. "An excellent hypothetical. But since I _am_ L, it is immaterial. You love me. The questions stands: are you or are you not Kira, and, assuming you were not, would I still love you?"

"Ryuuzaki, we just confessed love for each other. Do you have to be so analytical about it?"

"I am always analytical, Light-kun. If you love me then you should not only _know_ this, but love it."

Was that a hint of a smirk on L's face? Light thought so.

"I do," he admitted, annoyed. Then, "Has anyone ever told you you're impossible?" he accused.

"More than once."

"You're impossible."

"Thank you, Light-kun. As are you."


	29. Wife

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Genre: Humor, Romance**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

___________________________________________________________________

"Matt, you haven't moved from that spot _all_ _day_."

Matt didn't look up from his game. "And?"

"And? You're gonna get bed sores on your ass."

"I'm gonna get _what?_"

"Those open wounds old people and coma people get if you don't flip 'em!" I snapped.

"I'm not getting bed sores," he dismissed.

"But you haven't _moved_."

"Not true. I got up and went to the bathroom not six hours ago."

"You won't even get up to get _food_!"

"Because I know you'll bring it to me."

"I'm not your damn wife!"

"Oh _really_." He finally paused. He turned a big, shiny grin on me. "Who cooks?"

"You burn _mac and cheese_."

"Who cleans?"

"_You_ won't do it!"

"Who does the dishes?"

"You keep breaking things, clumsy-ass!"

"Who does the laundry?"

"You put my _leather_ in the _washing machine_!"

"Who likes to walk around in an apron and nothing else?"

"_You_ don't complain."

He threw his arm over the back of the couch and looked at me with a smirk. Crap. He'd won. I could tell.

"Who gets mistaken for a girl on a daily basis?"

I opened my mouth, furious, but no words came out. He laughed at my probably fish-like expression and resumed playing his games.

A slow smile crept across my lips. Had he been watching, he would have begun to back away.

I walked right up behind him and leaned down until he could sense my proximity. When I was sure I had his full attention, I breathed into his ear, "Might want to prepare _yourself_ tonight, husband, because _I_ won't be doing it. And if you think begging will make me go easy on you, you're dead wrong."

He went red as his hair and I made sure he was watching my hips as I left in the direction of our bedroom.

I'll show _him_ who wears the pants in this relationship.


	30. Priorities

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor/Romance**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Warnings: Language (more than usual)**

____________________________________________________________________________

"You. Are. A. Fucktard. You know that? A fucktard."

Shit. I must have said something. Matt only called me a fucktard when I did something assish. Er, more assish than usual.

"You're _such_ a fucktard, actually, that I'm cutting you off," he informed me.

I froze. "From what," I said quietly, dangerously.

"From _sex,_ genius!"

I sighed aloud, visibly relaxing as relief flooded my system. "Oh good. I thought you were gonna say chocolate."

He stared at me in disbelief.

"You're a fucktard," he reminded me. He spun on his heels and marched his ass (which I wouldn't be allowed anywhere near) out of the room.

I fished a chocolate bar out of where I stored them in my crotch. I took a bite, relishing in the endorphins as they rushed my brain.

Ah, yes. I had gotten off easy.


	31. Not Amused

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Light, L, Misa**

__________________________________________________________

L Lawliet was not amused.

Also, Light was now up to a ninety-five percent likelihood of being Kira.

You know what? No. Ninety-_six_ percent.

Because the man was evil.

Only someone who had evil of this caliber could be Kira, and L couldn't think of a single other person in the world who would have subjected him to this.

No, worse. He had _facilitated_ it. After all, it had been _his_ idea to tie him down to stop him struggling.

The world's three greatest detectives were currently tied down firmly with strong rope, ankles and wrists, and Misa was sitting on his chest, Light on his knees.

He would have been gagged, too, but that would have ruined his lipstick.

L Lawliet was not amused, but Light and Misa were giggling like the girls they were.

"Eyebrow pencil next!" Misa shouted.

"He doesn't _have_ eyebrows," Light pointed out.

"All the more reason to use the pencil."

"Let me!"

_'Traitor'_ burned in L's eyes as Light scrambled off his knees and held his face down by the forehead. His proficiency with an eyebrow pencil was disconcerting.

As was his ability with lip liner, mascara, foundation, and blush.

No, L Lawliet was not amused, but he did make a very pretty woman.


	32. Black, White, and Light

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I also do not own many of the nicknames for Light. I read them somewhere and I don't remember where.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: L, (Light)**

**A/N: I was bored in class. This happened when the teacher decided to teach us about primary colors. Seriously, I understand primary colors. I'm not in second grade. Then he decided to go on about how the human eye perceives color/light, and while I knew it, I hadn't heard a teacher lecture about it since DN took over my life and the word 'light' is a totally new experience once DN comes into play. I **_**think**_** this drabble makes sense. It did to me at the time XD**

**__________________________________________________________________**

The name of the one I love is, unfortunately for him but a source of endless entertainment for me, subject to many puns and plays on words. "Nightlight," "Light Bulb," "Neon," and "Illumination" are my personal favorites. He hates all of them.

Light, the improper noun, light, is not a complicated thing in relation to human perception of color, despite what poor art teachers would have you believe. Color is simply light bouncing off of an object: the colors we see are the ones that bounce; the ones we don't see are the ones the object absorbs. Simple enough.

So, by those rules, humans are unable to see color in the dark.

In a fairly dark room. if you can make out an object, the object will be some shade of grey. (If you know what the object's color is _supposed_ to be, your mind may fill it in for you despite the fact that it's not what you are sensing.)

I am all black and white.

I always have been. Black hair, black eyes, white skin, white shirt. I do not know my race of origin, so I can not explain my hair and eye color, but the white was my choice. I'm desperately pale because I dislike being outdoors for any extended period of time. I wear white because it seems appropriate for the symbol of justice to do so. I am a slob, but that does not mean I am unaware that my choices affect those in my immediate vicinity.

Black and white, good and evil. Of course, all humans have both good and evil impulses. I strive to transcend that but it is impossible, and my eyes and hair stubbornly remind me that I will never overcome that basic fact. But I _choose_ the white; choose to act upon the good impulses...

But I digress. In the dark, there is only black and white, there can be no color.

Unlike light, Light, the proper noun, _is_. A complicated thing in relation to human perception, I mean.

Arrogance. Drive. Intelligence. Beauty. People assume that he is more than this, but, in the end, it is those four things that define him. These are not uncommon traits, but few people have all of them together. And the degree to which he takes his four traits is what makes him remarkable.

His evil is incidental, irrelevant, to the fact that I love him more than any language has words for.

I am black and white.

But Light brings me into color.


	33. Singing in the Rain

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or this song- it belongs to the great Aretha Franklin. This idea is from, yet again, Alanna.**

**Genre: Romance/Humor**

**Characters: Mello/Matt**

__________________________________________________________

There is something about me that only one other person knows, and if you repeat it, I'll find a creative and painful way to kill you with chocolate.

If you don't believe me, then try it.

I dare you.

Anyway, the thing that only the two of us know: I, Mihael Keehl, sing in the shower.

If you laugh I won't even use chocolate.

Incidentally, that's what I was doing at the moment: I was singing, loudly, in a better mood than usual because of Matt, who had made me uke for once. I mean, I liked seme, but I secretly had a thing for taking it up the ass.

Again, you laugh, you die.

So I was singing loudly enough that Matt could probably hear, dancing too, because it's _that_ kind of song where you can't help it.

It wasn't until the refrain that I realized what exactly I was singing- just as Matt barged in, bent over laughing.

"You make me feel. You make me feel. You make me feel like a natural woman, woman!"

Crap. Worst timing ever.

Matt's face was turning red. I wished the shower curtain wasn't clear plastic, because he caught me in the middle of my dance moves, tossing out my hip dramatically.

I seriously thought the man was going to die. If you can die from laughing too hard, then he was about to.

Anyone but him and I would have killed them by now, but Matt could do anything to me and he knew it. He closed the lid of the toilet and sat on it, nearly falling off.

Okay, yeah, funny, but I didn't think it was _that_ funny.

Yes, Matt can do anything to me... but that doesn't mean I won't fight back.

So I got the last of the shampoo out of my hair and turned off the water, stepping out of the shower. He bit his lips for a moment, then busted out laughing again. "Mels..." he gasped. He couldn't finish. He was gonna asphyxiate.

But he had to be punished.

So, naked, dripping wet (which was a thing for him- too much anime has given him strange fetishes), I walked right over in front of him, continuing the song.

"When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it."

I even did the "oooh's." He noticed my proximity. And my nudity. And the fact that I was wet. These things in conjunction, and he wasn't laughing so hard anymore.

Then I straddled him and sat on his lap, putting my arms around his neck like a girl, and finished the verse. "I didn't know just what was wrong with me 'till your kiss helped me name it. Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for; if I can make you happy I don't need to do more. And you make me feel. You make me feel. You make me feel like... a... na... tu... ral... woman..."

I let my voice slow down and fade from singing into talking, and from talking into whispering. By the last words it was barely audible, so I said them right in his ear, making sure he could feel my warm breath, making sure my sopping wet hair clung to me in that way he liked so much.

He wasn't laughing at all now. In fact, I hadn't seen him so serious in years.

"Gonna laugh at me now?" I asked him in a reasonable tone.

He shook his head. "No," he croaked.

I liked that croak. It meant I had won. And as even the casual passerby knows, I _really_ like to win.

"Good boy." I patted him on the head like the puppy he is, standing straight up, giving him a view that was probably torturous. I did it wholly on purpose. And I stood there for much longer than was anywhere near necessary. So satisfying.

"Don't tell anyone I sing in the shower," I ordered him.

He bobbed his head in agreement.

"And realize that, while I was singing about being a 'natural woman,' I am still utterly and inarguably the man in this relationship, despite the fact that I took it last night."

He bobbed his head again, faster.

I patted him on the head again. "Good boy."


	34. Fluff Overload

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: So... much... fluff... *twitch* This made me want to vomit- but I really wanted to write something sickeningly fluffy. Also, Light's not Kira. Call it AU. And OOC.**

**Genre: FLUFF. It's a genre now. And OOC, which is also now a genre.**

**Characters: Light and L**

**________________________________________________________________**

I had avoided him all day but Light was smart. It would only be a matter of time before he figured out why. And if he couldn't, he'd ask.

"Ryuuzaki?"

Damn it. Sometimes I hate always being right.

Not often.

"Light-kun?" I said innocently. Light is not the only one who can convince people he's clueless.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

I couldn't tell the truth, so I did the most obvious thing: I lied through my teeth. "I am not avoiding you."

He rolled his eyes and put a hand on his hip. He really can be quite a woman sometimes.

I love it.

"Ryuuzaki, you _ran_ in the opposite direction when I came in the room. Four times. I've never even seen you run to get cake."

"I was avoiding Matsuda," I offered lamely.

"He's home sick today."

...Damn it!

"So why are you avoiding me?" he demanded again.

If I didn't know him, if I couldn't read his every facial expression, if I didn't know his eyes better than- it _was_ possible- his _mother_ did, then I might not have noticed the faintest hint of hurt in his voice.

But I do, I can, and I did.

It's a lot easier to hurt Light's feelings than you might think. True, he's arrogant, cold, and has an ego the size of Australia, but that doesn't mean he has no emotions.

...they're just really deep down there. Sometimes I think that he might not know he has them. It's a distinct possibility. But he does, and he can be hurt, and there are only a very few things that can hurt him.

Things that hurt his ego, for example. His ego is so much a part of him that if _it_ is hurt, he hurts. Making a silly error, for instance, hurts him as being called a name that's just a little too true hurts others.

Being upstaged when he is really _trying_ hurts him, too. If someone found someone else more attractive, for example.

It's not like I am any less difficult. I have quite the ego myself, I'm just more subtle about it. Try as I do, I can't hate Light. It would be too much like hating myself.

Oh, right, we were having a conversation, weren't we. He asked why I was avoiding him.

"I have merely been busy all day, Light-kun."

"You locked yourself in your room for two hours."

Okay, so sometimes I was like a woman, too.

"For solitary work. I brought my laptop."

He dropped his hands from his hips, looked at his shoes, and sighed. "Alright. I'll leave you alone, then." He turned. "Whatever I did... just... sorry."

And then he was gone.

Relief flooded my system. I honestly couldn't believe I had gotten away with that. I did feel relived, but I felt guilty, too.

Yet again- damn it.

Resisting the urge to grumble to myself like Light sometimes likes to, I walked straight to his room.

As I said, we're exactly alike. If I'm a diva who locks myself in my room, then he is too.

I heard him typing and I knew I was right. He was in there. No one else on the team besides me could type that fast.

"Light-kun?"

The typing pointedly stopped.

I was ninety-four percent certain that the door wasn't locked, but I didn't want to open it. It'd be a lot easier to say this through a door than it would be to say it to his face.

"I have been avoiding you because of an epiphany I experienced at three o'clock this morning as I worked."

I stopped. I didn't expect him to respond, I just needed a moment to gather my courage.

"This morning, as I searched for anything that may become our next case, I came upon a story of a man whose lover was murdered. And... it made me realize, all at once, that I've always loved you."

I paused again, hoping he'd interrupt before I told him every word that had been floating around my head all day.

No such luck. So I told him.

"I love you so much that sometimes I cannot see straight," I continued softly. "It's suffocating. I cannot work, because I think of you. As usual, I cannot sleep, but for the first time since I was a child I _want _to, because I know I would dream of you. I love you violently, passionately, intensely, and completely. You drive me both insane with hatred and wild with desire. The sound of your voice sets me on fire; your accidental touch makes me go limp. My heart is always racing, my breath is always short, my ribs feel like they are compressing, my veins burn, I cannot remain still, and my words catch in my throat. Light-kun, I love you."

Monologue over. Your turn.

The door opened to reveal the object of my intense desires.

Forward and confident as always, he grabbed my face and brought it to his own in a fierce kiss, and my heart raced, and my breath went short, and my ribs compressed, and my veins burned, and I couldn't remain still, and my words caught in my throat when I tried to repeat the last three words I told him as he dragged me into his room.

Gotta love always being right.


	35. Johnny Depp Doesn't Count

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Johnny Depp,** **Antonio Banderas, Leonardo Dicaprio, or scabies.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Light**

_____________________________________________________________________

Contrary to popular belief, I am actually aware of my distinctly homosexual tendencies. I may be prissy, I may be a queen, and girls may occasionally look at my hair with jealousy, but I am, in fact, _metrosexual_. I am a straight boy who likes to look nice.

Although I do understand where people are getting the idea that I'm not.

Exhibit one: I dye my hair. Don't tell anyone, or I'll write your name down and make specifications for it to be very unpleasant and involve scabies.

Exhibit two: I'm very, very pretty. I was once mistaken for a girl. Neither of us was very happy when he kissed me.

Exhibit three: I didn't protest enough when L handcuffed himself to me. One would think that a straight guy would freak out a little bit more in that situation. I was just too tired from being confined to put up a fight.

Exhibit four: I hate my girlfriend. But you would hate her too: she's stupid, loud, _bubbly_, and entirely obnoxious. I am not 'bubbly.' I do not like to hang out with 'bubbly.' I will never understand why I agreed to _date_ 'bubbly.'

Exhibit five: I have more clothes than any other straight guy I've ever met.

Exhibit six: I have shoes to _match_ all those clothes

Exhibit seven: I'm completely obsessed with L- a _man_.

So yeah, it's not much of a stretch. But I don't like penis. Really. I'm not attracted to men.

Okay, well maybe Johnny Depp, but he doesn't count.

Neither does Antonio Banderas. I met a lesbian that said he was hot, once.

Or Leonardo Dicaprio.

Because I'm totally straight.


	36. Alive

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: Matt, about Mello**

___________________________________________________

Mello makes no sense. I understand that. It makes it hard to have a relationship with him. I understand that, too. He and I will never really stop fighting. I understand THAT one _really _well. And yet... he's the one I want. Mello just... _does_ it for me.

What I love about Mello is the juxtaposition, the contradiction. I'm a genius, and I'm very, very good at figuring people out, but I can't get a beat on Mello. The second I think I've got it, he goes off and contradicts himself. He doesn't even know he's doing it. He called himself bipolar once, but that's not it. He doesn't realize how consistently he's... well... inconsistent. He's a maniac. He's completely insane. He's an angry, raving, madman. And I'll love him until the moment I die.

He's so strong. He can lift just about anything you can point to, and he never loses a fight. He's strong inside, too. He can deal with so much pain, so much hurt. He can keep going after everything he's done, and everything that's been done to him.

But he's also weak. He hides it, but all the cruel things people say to him, he really _does_ feel them. No one's immune to the kind of things people do to him. It _kills_ him that, no matter how hard he tries and how much he works, he's just not smart enough. He's brilliant, but he's not Near, let alone L. They're on another level, one that Mello can never reach but won't stop trying to. And it drains him, makes him want to curl up, makes him feel like he _is_ curling up even when he's going about his business. I saw him once. I never told anyone.

And he's so cruel. He'll do whatever it takes. It doesn't matter who he has to kill, who he has to torture, who he has to sleep with, who he has to rape. He'll do anything for completely selfish reasons, and he'll do it with a sneer.

...But he's kind. Gentle, even. When he touches me, there's no cruelty or violence in it. He has a soft touch and he can have softer eyes than anyone. Someone like him should have deleted kindness from his system a long time ago. He'll do little things. Like if there's a rock in the middle of a sidewalk, he'll kick it to the side when we pass so that no one will trip over it. This from the guy who _kills_ people?

Mello has the energy of a three-year-old on a sugar high, minus the crash. He simply doesn't run out of steam. He's always loud, always moving, always thinking. He can't be slowed, and he certainly can't be stopped.

But he's so, so tired. You can see exhaustion in his eyes, if you're willing to look long enough to see past the energy. He's shot, wiped, beat, spent. You could knock him over with a feather, and yet he keeps going.

He's so emotional, but he's so blank. He's so calm, but he's frantically, frighteningly _desperate_. He's fire, but he's frozen. He's dead, but he's so very alive.

_That's_ him. Contradiction. Mello, who you just have to accept that you'll never understand.

I've known him since I was four, I've loved him since I was nine, and I'll love him until my last breath shudders out of my smoker's lungs.

Because loving him brings _me_ to life, too.

_________________________________________

**A/N: Please forgive any typos. I typed it very quickly. I edited it, but the speed with which I originally typed probably caused a few errors that I missed.**


	37. Matt's Cacti Needs

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Home Depot. I do own a cactus though :) **

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

________________________________________________________

"Mello, I need a cactus."

He stared at me as if I had just told him I was actually a girl- a mix of horror and confusion. "You need a _what_?"

"A cactus," I repeated slowly as if he were an idiot. "You know, those plants that live in the desert you can get at Home Depot? Spiky? Green?"

"I know what a damn cactus is," he snapped. "Why do you _need_ one?"

"I just need one," I whined.

He sighed. "Whatever. Then go buy one."

"But I don't wanna go _outside_." I gave him by best puppy eyes. "Mellooooo..."

"No."

"Mels, _please_?"

"What kind?"

"Yay!" I jumped him. "A barrel cactus!"

He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

"I'm gonna name him Kitty," I said confidently.

Mello just shook his head. "Why do I love you again?"

"Because I'm frikin' adorable," I said solemnly.

"Ah. That's right."


	38. Exception

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Romance, angst-ish**

**Characters: L, about Light**

___________________________________________________________

My life is logical. It makes a great deal of sense. My parents died; I went to an orphanage. I'm good at deductive reasoning; I became a detective. I require assistance; Watari assists me.

Everything I do, I do for a reason. Perhaps my line of reasoning is hard to follow at times, but I _always_ have a reason. It is how I function. It's all I can do. No matter what, I must follow logic.

There has only been, and only ever will be, one exception.

Maybe it's because he himself is an exception to the rules. People are only supposed to be so beautiful or so intelligent. _No_ one is supposed to be both. _No one _is supposed to be like him.

Which, in the end, is what made him fall.

Because he was the exception, he came to believe that he did not have to play by the same rules as everyone else. And while it is true that, like myself, he had _less_ rules than others, he was not exempt from the most basic: a respect for life.

So, yes, someone else would have been a more logical choice; someone less brilliant, someone not so achingly beautiful. But I didn't _want_ anyone else.

I'm L. I've never been wrong, never made a mistake, never misjudged a situation, never been partial to a particular outcome.

There's only ever been one exception.


	39. Objectively Speaking

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: I really dunno.**

**Characters: L**

**A/N: Are these getting too repetitive? If they are, I'm sorry. But this fic (as in Shorts and Sweets, not necessarily this particular chapter) really helps me out, because I can just barf out all the ideas that I want to write but are too simple to make into a full fanfic. Strange things start to happen to me when too many ideas get backed up- think Ryuk without apples, except with my emotions. Not pretty.**

**By the way, someone asked for an update about George. I can't tell, but I think he's doing okay. How can you tell when a cactus is dead?**

**_______________________________________________________________**

I am very intelligent. This is not a secret. I am also highly skilled at observation, language, mathematics, and deductive reasoning. I am calm and very collected. I'm... rather odd, relative to those that surround me, but I have enough self-esteem to deal with it. I am a very good detective. I have also been told on more than one occasion that I am cute, which I occasionally strive to use to my advantage.

But of all those things, I am _more_ proud of another trait: I am capable of being perfectly objective at any time, in any situation.

I loved Light the moment I saw him, but for _far_ from the typical reason. I do not underestimate the human idea of 'love at first sight,' but I also do not believe that such a thing was the culprit that day. I loved him immediately because I could see right through him immediately: I knew exactly what kind of person he was the _moment_ I laid eyes on him. Twisted, arrogant, and dangerously intelligent. I loved him from the very first second for those reasons. I also knew he was Kira.

And therein lies the proof of my ability to remain objective at all times: I was quite content to love him fiercely and simultaneously try to send him to his execution. _That_ is objectivity.

Yes, it is also borderline psychopathic, but that is beside the point

I even grew to love him more when we actually interacted, and I still would have quite happily turned him in.

My emotions do not cloud my judgment. Ever. And that is what I am most proud of.

So, with my abilities established, I say the following with complete objectivity, because I cannot be biased simply because it is myself of whom I speak: I am just as disgusting a creature as Kira.

Granted, I have killed significantly fewer people, and never directly, but I have sent people to their deaths. This fact aside, Kira and I are not very different.

We are both trying to make the world a better place, yes. This is the most obvious connection. We simply have different ways of going about it.

But the thing is, we both started out because we were bored, and because we had big enough egos to believe we could do it.

I began taking on impossible cases when I was very young, solely out of boredom. I eventually solved them all, one by one, and as my reputation grew, my ego was fed, and I kept at it. I believed myself fully capable of solving any case, both because of that ego and also because, objectively, I had the skills the job required.

But, what if I hadn't gone down that path?

If I had received the notebook before I became L, I probably would have used it, too. Almost certainly. I would have believed exactly the same thing that Kira did, that I could change the world. And, if I was not L, the only tool I would have had would have been the notebook.

And I would have used it very, very similarly to how Kira did: to kill criminals.

I would have.

I'm not L because I particularly care about Justice as an ideal.

I'm L because that's how it happened.

I could have just as easily been Kira, and the idea appalls _L_, but it does not bother Lawliet at all.

If Kira is evil, insane, twisted, ugly, inhuman, and cruel, than I am, too.

Objectively speaking, I'm a monster.


	40. The Death Note is Not an Address Book

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: It's Light's mother's birthday, so this fic is for her! Happy birthday Sachiko! Your son was never Kira, your husband isn't dead, and your daughter doesn't have PTSD!**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: OC**

**_____________________________**

Tomoe walked through the grass around her school, angsting about the English test she had just failed. For the hundredth time. She didn't speak a word of English.

Her foot hit something. Sighing, she looked down at the object. It was a small black notebook with- she groaned- English lettering. She picked it up and flipped through it. Nothing.

Well, she'd been needing a new address book anyway.


	41. Old Friend

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Dunno exactly but it's not happy.**

**Characters: L, Watari, (Light)**

**A/N: This was originally a scene for Beautiful Disaster (if you know what I'm talking about, high five!) but the way the plot went, I can't use it. But I still like it and it stands on its own, so here. :) **

**Also, anything that's ambiguous is **_**supposed**_** to be- you're not missing anything. :)**

______________________________________________________________

L walked down the long, dimly-lit hall, his footsteps barely noticeable except for the soft taps of calloused flesh against linoleum. In an unusual display of the agitation he was feeling, the detective ran his hand through his shock of hair. Hs fingers became snagged on a knot, but freed up with only a minor amount of pain when he tugged on it. He was used to pain, anyway. It hurt to sit how he sat for hours on end.

Of course, that was not the only reason his body often hurt.

Maybe, L mused, if he had never let the relationship get so far... if he hadn't let him read that yaoi he had been writing so, so long ago...

But no. It would have happened eventually. Light and Ryuzaki, Ryuuzaki and Light, Kira and L, L and Kira. There was no other way it could have happened. It was inevitable. They were the same. They were opposites. They were the only one the other could ever love.

So he walked down this hallway, as slowly as he could, cold hands shoved deep in his pockets, more slouched than usual.

He made a sharp left and opened the steel door without knocking. He took only a few steps into the room before he stopped short.

The old man turned around, a proper but friendly smile on his lips, that smile he saved for L. It faltered after a moment. "Ryuuzaki, what's wrong?"

Watari had only seen L this way once before, on that day in which he had introduced the young L to Wammy's House. Broken, sad, but 'sad' didn't even begin to describe it. Down to his bones, smotheringly, to the point where he could barely continue to function.

"Ryuuzaki?" he repeated questioningly.

L finally looked up at him. At Watari, Quillsh Wammy, his oldest friend and the one who might as well be his father. The only person that had ever loved him _without_ simultaneously being a serial killer. The person that was shortly going to be murdered by the one he, Ryuuzaki, loved.

"Goodbye, old friend," he said softly.

Watari didn't reply. If Ryuuzaki was saying goodbye to him, it could only mean that he was going to die, or that Ryuuzaki himself was, or that they both were. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.

Watari opened his mouth to respond, but L was already gone.


	42. Handwriting

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Light, L**

**A/N: Happy birthday fanfiction dot net!!!**

________________________________________________

L looked at the black notebook before him, at the handwriting covering page after page, hundreds and hundreds of names. Hundreds and hundreds of faces. Of deaths.

He glanced up at Light, who was writing something.

"Light-kun is Kira," L announced.

The room went silent at the tone in L's voice. It was a declaration, this time, instead of the wild accusations to which they were all so accustomed.

L held up the Death Note. "Look at the handwriting. Look at Light-kun's. They are exactly the same."

Mogi came to inspect the writing as Aizawa handcuffed Light.

"He's right," he confirmed. "He even dots his 'i's with a heart. On both these papers."

Light scowled, but couldn't deny it. Curse his gay handwriting.


	43. Costumes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor/ Romance (barely)**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**A/N: My friend Alli came up with this one, and I wrote it :)**

**________________________________________________**

"Wear it."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

_"Please?"_

"Matt, I'm not gonna wear the damn marshmallow costume!"

"Why _not!?"_

"Because it's a terrible pun!"

"Fine, then wear _this _one!"

"I'm not wearing the 'midnight seductress' costume either."

"I'll wear _this_ one if you wear that one," Matt offered, holding up a French Maid costume.

"Deal."


	44. Lowlights

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor, bad pun, and OOC. All of which are genres.**

**Characters: Light, Misa, L**

**A/N: The therapeutic properties of posting fanfiction are undeniable: I am noticeably happier the day after I work on or post something than I am if I haven't posted or written anything in a while.**

**____________________________________________________________**

"Liiiiiiiight! Look! I got lowlights in my hair!" Misa exclaimed, rubbing herself all over her reluctant boyfriend, her now streaked-dark hair bouncing.

L looked up sharply. "What?!"

"I got lowlights!" Misa repeated euphorically.

"Oh..." L faltered. "Lowlights. I thought you said... never mind."

Misa shrugged and resumed rubbing herself on Light, who was busy trying to mentally transport himself to his happy place, namely, any place that had a naked L and no Misa.

"Lowlights," Lawliet repeated quietly to himself. He sighed in relief.


	45. Obsession

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Angst/Romance, and I think horror**

**A/N: This was going to be a part of Beautiful Disaster. Light and L's relationship went a VERY different way from this, so it is no longer necessary, but I really like this part. :) It ends kind of abruptly, I apologize.**

* * *

Light laughed loudly, throwing back his head. His perfect hair half-covered his perfect face, only partially able to mask the insanity behind his beautiful eyes. He laughed, and laughed, and L only watched, emotionless in direct contrast to the fit of demented jubilation Light was currently displaying.

"So..." the serial killer finally said, ending his laugh with a breathy sigh, staring at the detective through his hair. "What now? Do you still love me now, knowing that... that I am Kira? Or do you hate me?"

L was silent for a long moment. For once, he did not seem to be calculating or to be weighing statistics and percentages. A look of complete and total understanding came over his face and he finally answered, quietly, "It doesn't matter. Whether I love you or I hate you, I am obsessed. Whether I love you or I hate you, Light-kun, Kira-kun, I have lost." L looked at him for a moment more. Then he said, almost to himself, "Silly of me to cling to my need of proof, of facts, when all along I 'knew in my heart' that it was you."

Light chuckled. His all-consuming arrogance could never have been more evident than it was in that sound. "You couldn't have convicted me without proof. You still can't, in fact. Your testimony that I confessed will mean nothing with your track record of accusing me of being Kira every few minutes."

"I know," L replied simply. "As I have stated, I have lost."

"I don't have to kill you, you know," Light continued airily. "If you beg, if you even just ask nicely, I will seriously consider accepting you into my hierarchy. You are more than qualified. You could even be "queen" in Misa's place. With you, I could kill her shinigami and then kill her, and I wouldn't even notice the loss. With both of us together, no one in the world could ever stop us from pronouncing righteous judgment upon the wicked."

It was L's turn to look up through his hair. "Light-kun, you are insane."


	46. Date Rape

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the Gay Barbie Song.**

**Genre: Humor/ Romance**

**Characters: Light, L, Misa**

**A/N: Yet another not-used scene from Beautiful Disaster. I really liked this one; I didn't have the heart to destroy it forever. All you really need to know: L and Light love each other, and earlier they were talking about the Gay Barbie song, and as code names for one part they called each other Gareth and Raoul. Light was Gareth, L was Raoul. Oh! And also, here, Near and Mello have just died.**

**Sorry about the repeated 'reject from Beautiful Disaster' fics. They keep happening because I'm totally into BD at the moment, and for now this is the only way Shorts and Sweets is going to be updated. ^^**

* * *

L gave me a sad half-smile.

I softened and reached out for him again when-

-when my girlfriend chose that moment to attack me.

"Liiiiiiight!" she shrieked, launching her small body at me. She saw that I was without handcuffs. "Light, you're free! We can go on our date without Ryuuzaki!"

Why was I dating this person? I _hated_ this person. And the one I _loved_ was walking away, and I could tell by his _shoulders_ what he was thinking.

But Misa was physically dragging me away, and as much as I wanted to hit her, I couldn't. Stupid morals. Wait, if I was gay, was it okay to hit a girl? Hmm.

"Ryuuzaki!" I called out as she quite literally pulled me out of the room. He glanced over his shoulder, his hands deep in his pockets, and tilted his head. His eyes were old and sad. Damn, he was probably going to our room to finally break down about Near and Mello or something and I was going to be getting raped by a female!

He looked at me and waited. But what could I do? I couldn't shout across the room that I loved him, with Misa right there. I could say it in English, but knowing Misa she would be able to say 'I love you' in more languages than most people even knew existed.

So I said, "Ryuuzaki- you know in that song? I think Gareth loves Raoul and bitches about Ken as an excuse to be with _him_." I stared at him hard. Get it. Get it, _please_.

He smiled. It was small, and there was still so much sadness behind it, but at least it was sincere. "Well, we know Raoul loves Gareth. _I've _always thought that the ending implies they meet up that night, after they beat up Barbie."

I smiled slightly in response.

Right. That's why I loved this person. Who else in the world _gets_ me?

Misa certainly didn't. "Light, why are you talking about that song right now? We have to go on our _date_!" she whined.

I turned back to say goodbye to Ryuuzaki, but he was already gone.

As Misa pulled me in the direction of the floor she got all to herself, I couldn't help but feel a bit of separation anxiety. I hadn't been away from L for quite some time. I also wasn't used to not knowing exactly what he was doing at all times. Was he working? Was he... writing? I kind of hoped he was writing. Because... well, he'd be anxious to see me.

But my girlfriend wasn't done with me yet. She forced herself into my arms and closed her eyes. "Kiss me," she said breathily.

This was going to be the most unpleasant hour of my life.


	47. Blinking

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light and L**

**Genre: General/ Slightly humor**

**A/N: This one's stupider than usual. XD**

* * *

L was staring at him again.

It was getting disturbing- it was like the man never looked away. Every time Light glanced over, L was watching with his huge, dark, dissecting eyes. And it was making Light extremely uncomfortable.

Light was used to people staring at him, of course. As one of the most beautiful creatures on the face of the earth (or so he believed himself, and many agreed), it was something he had just become accustomed to. To tell the truth, he was more uncomfortable when people _weren't_ looking at him, and if _that_ didn't say something about his personality, nothing would.

So the fact that he was actually getting creeped out by the detective spoke volumes, not only about how _much_ he was staring, but how _intensely_.

Then Light realized- L could go longer without blinking than he could.

This, his competitive nature would not allow.

He turned his sepia eyes onto the detective and stared right back.

A full minute passed in this manner until finally, _finally_, Light had to blink.

He scowled, but L's expression remained exactly the same. Apparently he hadn't realized they were competing.

"L, do you _ever_ blink?!" Light demanded, exasperated.

"Rarely," the world's three greatest detectives replied. He smirked in victory, blinked once, pointedly, and then turned back to his computer.

"Bitch," Light scowled, and spun his chair back to do his work.


	48. Carpal Tunnel

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor/ parody of a fable**

**Characters: Light**

**A/N: Forgive me for this one. I have a date in less than an hour and I'm freaking out. XD**

* * *

Light, laughing manically, wrote names furiously in the Death Note. So many criminals, and who knew how long his reign would last, now that L was on the case? Not that he really believed, even for a second, that he, Light, could ever actually _lose _to someone, let alone the creepy, antisocial, hunched-over, and questionably diabetic world's three greatest detectives.

His laugh turned into a scream of pain and he clutched his hand to him agony.

And that is how carpal tunnel defeated the most notorious serial killer the world has ever known.


	49. Lemony Goodness

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello/Matt**

**Genre: Humor, tiny romance**

**A/N: By the way, there is no lemoning in this chapter. XD**

* * *

Matt was browsing fanfiction dot net, making a point of trying to read every single FredxGeorge fanfic in the fandom. He sipped his coffee, content, looking at the summary of something that claimed to be a FredxGeorgexHarry lemon and trying to decide if that counted in his F/G quest or not.

Mello burst into the room, shattering the calm and part of the old plaster around the door.

"Matt! I discovered something today!" he informed him at a shout.

Much calmer, Matt replied, "Oh yeah? What's that, Mels?" Taking another sip, he decided that the fic didn't count, but that he was going to read it anyway.

"I really like lemon," Mello announced.

Coffee sprayed out from between the gamer's lips, effectively drenching his computer screen. He yipped and immediately attempted to rescue his monitor, dabbing at the screen with his sleeve.

Mello, indifferent to the fate of Matt's technology (it distracted from _him_, dammit!), kept talking. "I mean, I really like it. I like it almost as much as chocolate. I _really_ like it when they're together," he added. "I mean, lemon and chocolate. It's just meant to be."

Matt had a brief fantasy about dipping himself in chocolate and letting Mello lick it off. _Okay, gotta focus,_ he reminded himself as his imaginary Mello's tongue traced down his chest... down his abdominals...

"I wonder if there are other people who like it as much as I do," Mello mused.

Matt laughed. "Believe me, Mello, you're NOT alone. It's all over fanfiction dot net."

Mello looked confused. "They have a category for lemon?"

"Not technically. But everyone knows that if you search under Romance and set the filter to M-rated stuff, you'll get some. And sometimes it involves chocolate, as well. More in some fandoms than in others."

Mello grinned. "That is fuckin awesome."

"And there are lemon conventions, you know."

Mello's eyes went huge, and clearly he approved of the idea. "I'm gonna go. And I'll find a lemon T-shirt. And a lemon keychain."

Matt grinned back. That might be, he realized, the only thing they'd had in common in their nineteen years. Who would have thought it'd be _lemon_ that they'd finally be able to agree about?

"They sell doujinshi, too," Matt informed him. "At the conventions."

Mello frowned, annoyed that there was something he didn't know. "Doujinshi?" he demanded.

"Fan comics."

The frown exploded into a grin in that way that only Mello could make happen, and even _then_ only around Matt. He laughed. "That is so weird. Awesome."

"And people cosplay, too. That is, dress up."

"As lemons?" Mello clarified, laughing.

Matt hesitated, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Mello..." But inside he already knew what the answer would be. "Define 'lemon' for me."

"Um..." Mello raised an eyebrow. "A yellow, oval-shaped citrus fruit?"

Matt sighed.

Failure to communicate.


	50. Aftershock

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matsuda (Light)**

**Genre: Angst**

**A/N: Some slash if you want it to be, but it's up to you.**

* * *

For the hundredth time since That Day, Matsuda awoke with a shout.

Panting, he sat stock-straight in his bed, eyes huge, his heart pounding in his ears as he tried to get some control of himself with little success. It had been years, _years_, and still he could see it as if it was happening right in front of him. In fact, when he closed his eyes, it was all he _did_ see. Flashes of it like nightmares, which he didn't think was fair because he wasn't even asleep. But when he _did_ sleep, it was worse. It was worse because his mind, apparently in an effort to give him some new material, twisted the memory, added whatever case he was currently working, adding L, who should have been dead when it happened. Adding whatever scary movie he had just seen. Anything it could do to make an already horrifying memory even worse.

For the hundredth time since That Day, Matsuda let the tears go, knowing from experience that trying to hold them in just made him unstable for the rest of the day. He didn't need another day not at the top of his game. He was in charge of a small team, now, mostly thanks to his experience gained in the very thing that now made him like this. He had to let it out now, or it would just happen later in the day when he least expected it. Sometimes he still saw it, almost as clearly as a hallucination. Still saw the blood where it bloomed from the man- barely more than a child- that he had fired upon. Not that he ever _really _forgot. Posttraumatic Stress was a bitch.

His face sank into his hands and he let himself weep.

Through his agony, as his thin shoulders shook and as he curled in on himself, he wondered if he'd ever, ever stop being like this. How did Mogi do it? Aizawa? Why weren't _they_ reduced to shuddering masses of useless, worthless... why was _he_ the only one that, years later, was still this pathetic creature in the fetal position because of one night he couldn't get out off of a loop in his head?

He had been the only one who never doubted Light. That was why. That, more than anything, was the reason he was who he was today. Maybe he could have born it if he hadn't trusted Light so completely, in all ways, not just in relation to Kira. He had told him secrets, had long conversations with him, told him his problems and listened to what he had believed were Light's. He had shook his hand... _hugged_ the man! He had hugged Kira... had his arms around the evilest, most dangerous serial killer of all time. Ever. In the history of the world, no single man had directly killed as many people as Light had.

And what made it all the worse, what haunted him, what he _still couldn't get over, _was the obsessive disbelief that someone so incredible could have done something so horrible. How could this person he had respected so much turn out to be Kira? How could someone so... _mind-blowingly incredible, _so smart, so beautiful, so (apparently) gentle... be that monster?

Matsuda still didn't even know where he stood on Kira.

But if Kira was _Light_... surely, Light must have known what he was doing. He always did. And he _had_ made the world better for the innocent, which is what the police tried to do all the time. Crime went down by seventy percent. So... was he right? Did the ends justify the means? Could someone like Light _be_ wrong? And, if Kira _was_ good, did that make L evil for trying to stop him?

Matsuda shook his head hard, making his ears ring, and ran his fingers through his bedraggled hair. He couldn't let himself go through this again. He did this every morning. Doubt, confusion, guilt, and, ultimately, plain _hurt_, because Light had been his friend.

But he _hadn't_ been, Matsuda reminded himself for the millionth time. None of it had been real. Not a word, not a smile. Every pleasant conversation they had ever had- Light had been thinking _stupid Matsuda_, or had just been sitting there being glad that Matsuda was too dumb to pose any kind of a threat at all.

He was- he knew that. Too naive. Not that he'd ever make that mistake again, of course, which, in turn, had made him a better cop. He had never fallen for a trick or a trap even once in his four years in a leadership position.

But, dammit, it hurt.

Matsuda's tears finally began to slow, but he still had that feeling. The way he had felt every single day since the day he had killed Light.

Cold.

Empty.

Hollowed out.

And that was all.

He rubbed his face and forced himself out of bed for yet another day of... nothing.


	51. Medieval Torture

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt/Mello**

**Genre: Failed humor**

**A/N: This one just happened. I apologize for it. They can't all be good, okay?? XD **

**P.S. They're both real medieval torture devices.**

* * *

"Mel, look at this," Matt said, waving Mello over to what he was doing.

"You're reading a _textbook_?" the blond asked, confused by this unprecedented phenomenon. "Have... you ever done that before?"

Matt shrugged. "It's the section about medieval torture."

Sadly, that explained it. When Mello had no comment, Matt pointed at a picture of something that looked like a salad server.

"See those pissed-off tongs?"

Mello leaned down and read the caption. "'Breast rippers?'"

"Yep. Doesn't that sound unpleasant?"

"It's a torture device. It's inherently unpleasant."

Matt ignored him (that ability was what made their relationship work, after all) and turned the page. "Now look at _this_ one."

"'The Pear of Anguish.'"

"Creatively named, no? It was for gay guys and blasphemers. What they used to do with _this _one was they'd stick it in... various orifices... depending on if you were there for the blasphemy or the sodomy... and turn the knobby key thing, and it would slowly open up and stretch the hell outta you."

Mello blanched. "I can't decide which would be worse. Having your breasts ripped off or having your ass stretched out."

Putting on his best innocent face and looking at his lover with the widest eyes he could muster, Matt said, "Clearly you've never been on bottom."


	52. 780 Days

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Misa, Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I actually LIKE Misa... XD Also, this is a real rule of the Death Note.**

* * *

Relevant rule from the Notebook- The Death Note will not affect those less than 780 days old.

* * *

This was it.

The moment of truth.

The time was now.

Finally.

At long last, Rem was dead, which meant that Light could kill Misa without any negative consequence.

Carefully, almost lovingly, Light formed each line of her name. The model would die. He would never have to hear that voice _ever. again._ Her obnoxious ramblings would cease forever... he would be able to hear himself think for the first time in what felt like years and was really only months.

He relished the last stroke, leaning back in his chair with a contented sigh. Forty seconds. Just forty seconds, then a heart attack, and then however long it took her to actually _die_ of the heart attack. Then he'd be free.

He could just imagine her face when she would figure it out. Those red, red lips puckering in realization, her black fingernails flying to her chest or her left arm... the thud as she hit the floor...

...Shouldn't the thud be happening right about now?!

Instead of hearing what he so badly wanted to hear, he heard Misa's infernal voice shrieking his name to put banshees to shame and peel paint off of walls. "Liiiiiiight! Darling, guess _what_?!"

No... it couldn't be...

"I'm _pregnant_!"

It was.

There... there would be _two_ of them. And one of them would be calling him... "Daddy." It was enough to make a person shudder.

Misa was still talking, but Light ignored her and snatched up the test she had been waving around. She was stupid, right? Maybe she read the thing wrong... nope. Damn blue line.

"Can you imagine what she's going to be like?" Misa cooed. "Oooh! No, wait! I hope it's a boy! Then he can be just like his papa!"

Misa was definitely not dead.

Apparently fetuses counted in the age rule.

Damn notebook.

Damn fetus.

Damn Misa.

...Damn penis.

As Misa started enthusing about names, Light wondered if she'd die of a heart attack the moment it was born or if he'd have to write her name again.


	53. Nail Polish Remover

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**  
Genre: Humor**

* * *

Light watched L carefully. It was sometimes hard to tell, but L was definitely asleep. He didn't sleep often, but when he did the man was out cold.

Light carefully removed a small bottle from under his pillow.

* * *

L raised a thumb to his lips to chew on his nail, crouching in his by-now-familiar way. Suddenly, he shouted and wrenched his thumb away from his mouth.

"What's wrong?" Light asked innocently.

"My thumb! It tastes... chemical!"

"Oh _that_?" the younger male replied casually. "While you were asleep, I used Biteless."

Hesitantly, L asked, "What is Biteless?"

Light produced the bottle and handed it to L, who read it aloud. "Stop biting now! Clear nail polish with bad taste to stop children and adults from... Light-kun!"

"What? It's a bad habit, Ryuuzaki! It's not at all professional."

"Can you seriously still believe after all of this time that I care for professionalism?!" L replied, uncharacteristically exasperated.

"Fine! It's unhygienic, then! You always have your fingers in your mouth, and you're going to get sick!"

"Only Kira would think about such things."

"Only **you** _wouldn't_!"

Furious but in control, Ryuuzaki stood up. "Fine. I will request nail polish remover from Miss Amane. I am certain that she will have some in her possession."

"This requires special remover."

"I shall buy some."

"You want to go to a cosmetics store handcuffedto another man? That would surely draw attention to you, and your identity could be exposed."

"I shall send Watari."

"I talked to him. He's on my side."

"I shall send Matsuda-san!"

"Talked to him, too."

He sat back down and swiveled his chair to face his computer, bringing up the internet. "Then I shall purchase it online."

"It's only for sale in the store. And anyway, it will take days to arrive."

He jumped back to his feet. "I will scratch it off!"

Light stood as well. "It's extra strength."

"Light-kun! Give me the remover!"

"No."

"Light Yagami!" Finally pushed past what he could take, L kicked him hard, just as Light, foreseeing this, countered with a punch.

"It's for your own good!" he pleaded, swinging his arm around to punch him.

L dropped to the floor, in Capoeira stance. "It is degrading, humiliating, and entirely uninvited!" he snapped back. He kicked Light's legs out from under him.

Light hit the floor hard and managed to turn it into a tackle, pinning L's wrists to the floor.

His _wrists_ were the wrong thing to focus on, Light discovered when L promptly flung him off with just the use of his legs, sending him painfully into the wall, dragging himself after because of the chain.

At some point, they would figure out that fighting with the chain on was bad for _both_ of them.

"HEY!" Misa yelled, running into the room, having heard the racket. "What are you two fighting about?!"

The two men stopped what they were doing and looked at her.

"Uh..." Light finally said, "...nail polish remover."


	54. Clap On, Clap Off

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, "romance"**

**A/N: This will only be funny to you if you're old enough to remember the old 'clap on, clap off' commercials for lamps that would turn on and off when you clapped.**

* * *

Light just wanted to work. The sooner they caught the sonofabitch who _was_ Kira, the sooner he, Light, would be able to get away from the insane insomniac he was handcuffed to.

The insane insomniac in question was staring at him again, as if he had ever actually _stopped_ staring at him for more time than it took him to blink. Which he did only rarely.

Light pointedly attached his eyes to his computer screen.

He sighed when he heard the click of chair wheels as L propelled himself closer to him.

In that awkward way he did everything else, L stuck both hands straight out in front of him and clapped, once.

Light could only stare at him. "Can I help you?" he finally asked.

L clapped again.

"Would you mind explaining?"

"I am trying to turn Light-kun on."


	55. Finger Candies

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Matsuda, Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Well, **_**I**_** think this is funny, but no promises. My friend and I came up with it at what must have been pretty early in the morning. To me, it just sounds too much like it could really happen... XD**

* * *

Matsuda stared at L, open-mouthed.

He had been doing so for quite some time, L noticed, sucking contentedly on his cherry candy. He had almost finished it, much to his chagrin. It hadn't lasted very long, but the taste was good enough to make up for the brevity.

Finally, Matsuda couldn't contain himself anymore. "Ryuuzaki, _why_ are you sucking on that?!"

L blinked at him. "Because I find the taste pleasing? I really am quite fond of sweets, Matsuda-san."

"Ryuuzaki..." he said, exasperated, "Do you know what that _is_?"

"Light-kun called it finger-candy," L said innocently.

Matsuda coughed awkwardly. "They're flavored condoms," he informed him matter-of-factly. "You're sucking on condoms."

"I see..." L said calmly, unphased. "I shall have to discuss this with Light-kun."

...Who was, incidentally, sitting right next to him by virtue of the handcuffs, turning bright red with embarrassment and 'something else' as L finished his "candy" more suggestively than was at all necessary.


	56. Anatomy Class

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

**A/N: I dunno what I would do without this fanfic. I think my brain would explode. I'm not sure, but it's just good that this exists. This way the plot bunnies cannot multiply any more than they have to...**

**Also, sorry about the alert for a chapter called 'Abstinence.' I posted it, then changed my mind. I'll work on it and probably post it at some point in the future.**

* * *

The only time at Wammy's House that Matt and Mello had a different class from each other was in the equivalent of tenth grade.

Mello had an anatomy class, comparable to the first semester of medical school. He paid the fullest attention every day, and got a very healthy second place to, of course, Near.

Matt had a computer programming class, comparable to a professional, which he often slept through and still got the highest grade in the class. Ever.

Mello hated his anatomy class. He thought it was too in-depth to be worthwhile and, if truth be told, he found it unnecessarily hard. There was too much memorization for this taste. Not that he couldn't do it- he would _beat_ that fucker Near if it was the last thing he did, and if it took memorizing every muscle in the body, he'd do it- but he'd have much preferred to spend that time _talking_ to Matt, as opposed to just resting his head on his back to study while he played his games. He resented that he had to learn so much about what was inside the body; he felt that psychology would have been more useful. All he could do now was point to various people and identify where things were inside them. He couldn't manipulate them, and he didn't even know anything about harming or healing the body, so he couldn't apply his knowledge. Thus, useless except as another chance of getting a higher grade than the albino bastard that he was never going to beat.

Matt, however, loved it.

Because of Mello's anatomy class, Mello could now do all sorts of fun things he hadn't been able to do before. He had all kinds of new, creative threats, such as "I will stab you in the visceral layer of your pericardium" and "I'm going to rip out your palatine tonsil and shove it down your trachea and to your _inferior_ vena cava- don't ask how." Since Mello's incredible mind was one of Matt's favorite things about him, this was quite a turn-on. Matt sometimes even got to be a dummy for him when he was trying to memorize things and needed a visual. This led to nudity and all the fun things that often followed the removal of clothes. He especially enjoyed when, to torture him at night, Mello would run his fingers lightly all over Matt's body, identifying bones and bone markings and muscles and their origins and their insertions, identifying them by their scientific name in his ear in a low, breathy voice...

Matt hated his programming class. He was, quite simply, bored out of his mind. He knew all of this stuff already, simply from his experience, except he didn't know the words for anything so it still sounded like a foreign language. He could do everything just fine, until the teacher asked him to explain it. He also finished his projects _days_ before anyone else (even the one test that, like Star Trek's Kobayashi Maru, was supposed to be impossible- hack into Wammy's and give yourself an A in the spot for your project grade. Although, Matt thought, in Star Trek it was _made_ to be actually impossible, and he didn't have to 'change the conditions of the test' like Kirk. Um, anyway...) which left him time to either awkwardly attempt to actually socialize, or to sleep. He chose the latter. He hated the lab; it was too hot and there were too many people. He liked his computers and his humans to be separate unless the human was Mello: being with Mello and on a computer at the same time would be a dream come true. In fact, he actually had dreamed about it on several separate occasions. Once while he was actually in the programming class.

Mello, however, loved it.

He liked that Matt was doing so well in something without effort. As much as the idea of Matt not having to _try_ when Mello always had to try so hard pissed him off, he still found it sexy that _that_- that guy- was _his_. He liked that Matt was often well-rested after attending that class, since he slept through it, and had plenty of energy to do with him whatever Mello chose. He _really_ enjoyed watching Matt hack with the tiny bit of actually new knowledge that he attained in the class. He liked the added agility to his fingers, which Matt often made use of in ways that pleased Mello immensely. He was delighted to find that Matt's freakish memory retained new computing phrases like "fourth dimensional relational database regression," a seemingly random collection of words that Mello gave up trying to connect to each other before he even finished hearing the list. Matt sometimes said things like this, only longer, more complicated, and in context, in his sleep, and Mello would have to wake him up and fix the problem that caused.

Clearly, Matt thought as Mello went about identifying and tracing his veins and arteries, and as Matt in retaliation started speaking tech as if it were filth, they were meant to be together.


	57. L vs Rocking Chair

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. (Typed this so many times... over one hundred, between all these chapters, each chapter of Beautiful Disaster, and my other DN fics... geeze.)**

**Character: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Light-kun, I do not know how you expect me to sit upon such a contraption," L said warily, using the hand that was not at his mouth to tap the 'contraption' in front of him. It rocked back cheerfully with a friendly creak. The glare L sent it was notably less friendly.

Light rolled his eyes. "Ryuuzaki, you're twenty-five years old and you've never sat on a rocking chair. That's just... sad," he said, exasperated. "Really. You'll be fine. I won't let you tip over."

Light could tell there was a Kira Percentage brewing behind those big, black eyes. Why had _he_ been the one handcuffed to the single most annoying creature on Earth? Honestly.

Well, he supposed it could have been Matsuda...

Light shuddered. Then: "Just sit on the chair," he demanded.

L considered the innocent piece of furniture. "Impossible," he decided. "I do not have the balance necessary."

"They're _made_ to not fall over, you know."

"They are not, however, created to support someone who sits as I do."

Light closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "All right. Fine. Whatever. You win this one."

"Excellent," L said cheerfully, and dragged his prisoner as far away from the chair as possible.


	58. Counting Sheep

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: There is more than one name for the fear of sheep; this is the one I went with.**

**Also! It is my birthday. :)**

* * *

Light groaned and rolled over to look at the insane insomniac to whom he was handcuffed. The man kept tossing and turning, and Light was about ready to kill him for it. Not that he was Kira, of course.

"Would you just stop _moving_?" he finally cried, exasperated.

"I cannot sleep, Light-kun," L replied calmly.

"What _else_ is new?! Just count sheep or something."

L's eyes went even wider than they usually were and he shook his head frantically.

_"What_?" Light demanded.

"I am fearful of sheep," L said.

Light's genius mind sputtered pathetically to a stop.

"..._What?_"

The detective cocked his head, biting his thumbnail. "It is not unheard of. Haven't you any irrational fears, Light-kun?"

"But... Ovinophobia? Seriously? Ryuuzaki, have you ever even _seen_ a sheep in real life?"

"How do you know the name of such an obscure phobia off the top of your head? And of course I have seen them, Light-kun," he said, as if the idea that he was a recluse was ridiculous. "I have been all over the world, and have come across many pastures of sheep and multiple petting zoos."

"_Petting zoos_?!" Light's image of L was falling apart around him. The space-time continuum was in serious danger.

"Yes. As a detective, I must know as much as possible about as many things as possible. That includes everything from the most abstract theoretical quantum physics to the texture of a goat's horns, which is most easily discovered at a petting zoo."

Light tried to picture L at a petting zoo, surrounded by children, getting very strange looks from parents as he petted animals while not accompanying a child, and ignoring the humans while observing the behavior of the animals. He imagined him holding animal feed in a flat palm like you were supposed to and offering it to anything that wasn't a sheep. He could just see the evil eye he would give the sheep, and the worried looks of the other adults as they hurried their children away from this strange, slouchy, sheep-hating man.

"So why are you afraid of sheep?"

L shrugged. "I do not know. They simply terrify me. I have no explanation for it."

"I see."

We stared at each other for a long time.

"So counting sheep is out?"

"Indubitably."


	59. Misa is Sadly Oblivious

**Disclaimer: I STILL do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Misa, Matt, Mello (Wooo!! Lots of people!)**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I really do like Misa... she's just an easy target for my imagination. XD**

* * *

"Liiiiiiight," Misa cooed. "You never told me about these friends of yours!"

Light looked at Matt and Mello, who were giving Misa an almost unbelieving look. It probably had something to do with the fact that she was prancing around in pink lace panties and a bra. Matt was trying (and largely failing) not to laugh.

L, handcuffed at Light's side, simply looked innocent.

"Hi! I'm Misa Amane. I'm Light's girlfriend! It's nice to meet you!"

Matt's and Mello's jaws dropped open, and Matt nearly folded in half as his laughter took his breath away and started to become actively painful.

L looked even more innocent.

Mello smirked, glancing conspiratorially at Matt who was looking slightly... blue. "You know he's gay, right?" he said to Misa.

Misa laughed. "Of course he's not, silly. I'm his _girl_friend!"

Everyone looked at Light, who tried to imitate L's innocent expression. The two inched a bit further away from each other.

Mello was laughing now, too. "You think he's _straight_, Amane? Seriously?"

"Of course he is! Why wouldn't he be?"

"Because he's been taking it from L since they were handcuffed!" Matt piped up at a cheerful gasp, shoulders shaking hard enough to incur dislocation.

"WHAT?! That's disgusting! Light wouldn't do that!" Misa cried.

"Of course not," Light assured her. "That's just how Mello starts a conversation."

Reassured, Misa reattached herself to Light's free arm.

She did not see the silent conversation that passed between Light and L.

_'We still on for tonight?'_


	60. Touch Lamp

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Mello," Matt said, deadly serious, "I think I may have special powers. Kind of like Spider Man, but not exactly. Look. When I touch this lamp, it turns on."

"It's a touch lamp," Mello informed him.

"A what?"

"A touch lamp. It turns on when you touch it."

"Is that _normal_?" Matt demanded.

"It's... normal for a _touch_ lamp, yes," Mello said confusedly.

Matt sagged a little. "Oh, okay."


	61. Follow the Butterflies

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor, some fluffishness (Yes, that's a word.)**

**Characters: Light, L**

* * *

"Ryuuzaki!" Light cried, running out of their room.

L leaped to his feet, alarmed by Light's terrified expression and the dedication with which he was tearing down the hallway. He caught Light as he ran into him, grabbing him and holding him close. "Light-kun, what's wrong?" he asked softly, soothingly.

Light simply shuddered in L's arms, unable to immediately reply. For a long few moments, L simply stood there, holding him, stroking his hair and trying to calm him down. "Light, you have to tell me what is wrong."

"It's in our room," he said shakily. "I... sorry, this is how I get when... well, you understand, being ovinophobic..."

Light felt L tense up. "There is a sheep in our bedroom?!"

"No! No, don't worry." He paused for a second. "Ryuuzaki... how the hell would a sheep get into our bedroom?"

"It can be done, Light-kun," he said solemnly. "Please, though, tell me what has upset you."

"There's a butterfly in our room."

This time, it was _L's_ genius mind that sputtered pathetically to a stop.

"You have... mottephobia?"

"And you're ovinophobic, remember? Don't make fun of my phobias when you have an equally stupid phobia!"

"Yes, Light-kun, but sheep are at least large enough to step on your foot. It is _possible_ for them to harm you to at least _some_ extent, unlike..."

"I don't care! Just kill it!"

"I do not wish to kill an innocent butterfly."

"Then take it outside. Bring in fucking PETA if you have to, I don't care, just get it the hell out of our room and let me see it happen or I'm never going back into that room!"

L sighed dramatically. "Very well, Light-kun. I shall destroy an innocent creature simply for your ever-so-delicate psychological homeostasis..."

"I'd appreciate that."

"However, I still think it is-"

"Shut the fuck up, sheep-boy."


	62. Fanfiction is Real

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, romanceish, parody**

**A/N: Because everyone has either read or written a fic where the characters find fics about themselves.**

**Also, no matter what I say about fanfiction dot net having an uncreative name, I adore this place. That should really be obvious by this point. XD**

* * *

"Matt, you've gotta see this," Mello called.

The redhead glanced over at the blond, who was on the computer. He dreaded what Mello wanted to show him.

"Matt, get your ass over here!"

Too slow for him, apparently. Matt sighed, walking to him. "What is it?" he grumbled, annoyed that his game was interrupted. "More gay porn?"

"Yeah," Mello replied, unaffected, "but not how you're thinking. Look."

He was on some fanfiction site with a remarkably uncreative name.

"What?"

"I found a fanfic about you and me finding a fanfic about us."

"What the hell?"

"I know. And it's M and romance, if you know what that indicates. You wouldn't believe how many people write porn about us. We hold our own against LxL, believe it or not."

Matt waved a hand. "I know. I wrote a good half of the M-rated MxM," he said dismissively.

"So _that's_ why some of these are so accurate," Mello mused, scrolling through a particularly descriptive one and catching the words "his quivering entrance." He storymarked it for later.

"Yeah. I'm pretty popular. I like it when people say I make you OOC. Just 'cause I write about how sometimes you cry, _during_."

"What the fuck, Matt?! You _tell_ people that?!"

Matt shrugged. "It's just fanfiction."

"Yeah, numbnuts, but that doesn't mean it's not _true_."


	63. Abstinence is Bliss

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

* * *

Mello slipped his hands under Matt's shirt, kissing his neck, nipping, blowing a hot breath on him to make him shiver. "Matt..." he breathed, and the redhead shivered from his pelvic bone to his neck, right up his spine and back down it. Taking this as a positive sign, Mello let a hand slide down Matt's body and to the front of his pants.

Suddenly, Matt sat up. "No."

Mello groaned but removed his hand. "Matt, come _on_."

"Mello, _no_. I love you, but we can't do this."

"_Why_? You want to wait until we're married or something?" he asked sarcastically.

"Because my parents always used to tell me that abstinence is bliss," Matt said seriously.

"That's _ignorance_, retard."

Matt considered that. "Really?"

Mello rubbed his eyes. Matt was the only person in the world who could exhaust him like this. "Yes. The phrase is 'ignorance is bliss.'"

"You're not making this up just so you can fuck me senseless?"

Mello considered being offended that Matt was calling him a liar, but, to be fair, it was something he would do. "No."

Matt thought for another moment. "Well, okay then." He grabbed Mello by the face and smothered him in a kiss.


	64. You Would Know

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor, actually not romance despite the slashy hug at the beginning**

* * *

In a rare display of affection, Mello rolled his eyes, drawing Matt close to him and wrapping his arms around him, holding him tight. Matt relaxed into his best friend's arms, sighing with content.

"Matt," Mello said suddenly.

"Yeah Mel?"

"Excited to see me?"

Matt pulled back from him and raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Mello grinned. "I said, are you excited to see me?"

Matt glanced down at himself. "Mello, you're hallucinating."

"Matt, your fucking chode was digging into my leg, all right?" he exploded. "Forgive my trying to be subtle!"

"You've never been subtle once in your damn _life_!"

"Because every time I try it just flies right over your head!"

"...I do not have a chode!"

"That's what it _felt_ like!"

Matt grinned, right back to his usual state of calm. He could never yell at Mello for long- he found him too amusing and it took more emotional strength than he had to stay pissed, anyway. It annoyed Mello to no end because, of course, Mello could stay mad at anyone for as long as he damn well pleased. And did.

Matt reached into his pocket and withdrew a tin of lip balm. "Is _this_ what you mistook for my penis, O Smart One?"

Mello turned bright red. "Possibly."

"Believe me, Mello," Matt said smugly. "If it were my dick, you would know."


	65. Monster

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L/Light**

**Genre: Romance, angst, hurt/comfort**

**A/N: I don't remember writing this, so it must have been early in the morning (like... reeeeeally early in the morning). But I thought it was cute. :) And someone requested fluff, soooo...!**

* * *

I lay on our bed in his arms and as usual I knew there was no other place for me. That there was no other _person _for me, other than him; this man I loved so much but knew almost nothing about, including his real name, because he was worried I would kill him. Which, if I were Kira, I would.

Luckily I wasn't Kira, and the fact that Kira was after the life of the one I loved was only more motivation to catch him. I wouldn't let him lay a finger on Ryuuzaki. I'd die before I let that happen, and anyone who knew me knew that I wouldn't say that unless I meant it. Not that anyone but Ryuuzaki actually knew me well enough to know that.

I felt him shift a little, and a smile touched my lips before I gave my face permission to express my emotions. "Ryuuzaki, what were you like as a child?"

I didn't have to look at him to know that he was tilting his head. "As a child, Light-kun?"

"Sure. It's not a strange question."

He wanted to put his thumb to his lips, I knew, but he didn't want to let go of me either. That desire took priority and his hand didn't even twitch.

"I suppose I was... inquisitive," he said finally.

I laughed. "Wow. _So _much has changed, then."

"Perhaps more optimistic and less cynical, but there's no way to quantify such a thing so-"

"Were you always so objective?"

"Not always. I once let someone cheat off my test at school for the personal reward of a cookie. I would never do such a thing now."

I tried to imagine a very young L beating himself up over that decision, the cookie long-eaten and immediately regretted. The image was so cute that I almost jumped when he asked, "Light-kun, what were _you_ like as a child?"

I cringed in his arms, and they tightened comfortingly around me. I should have known he'd ask it back. He'd asked me about everything_ else_ in the known universe, so why not that? Especially right after I'd asked _him._

I _had_ known he would, if I was being honest with myself; I'd just hoped he would never get around to it.

"I was..." I started, but I didn't quite know how to explain it. How can you tell someone that you've _always_ been dysfunctional? That you've _always_ been completely out of control? A liar, manipulating people for your own pleasure... twisting people's words until even _they_ didn't know what they were talking about anymore.

"I was..." I stopped. He loved me, right? As I was? So it shouldn't matter, should it? I sighed and finally said, "Exactly like I am now."

"In what way?"

"In... _every_ way. I've always been like this. A monster." I mumbled the last part, an afterthought.

The moment I said it, though, I realized it was true.

Maybe I wasn't Kira. Maybe I hadn't killed thousands of people. But I was a monster.

"A monster, Light-kun?" he asked in a small voice.

I had been hoping he wouldn't hear that part.

"Yeah, I'm... well you know me."

"Perhaps you are," he said thoughtfully, propping himself up on one arm so he could see my face. "Regardless, I would prefer you never change."

"...I love you too."

* * *

**A/N: For those days when we feel like monsters.**


	66. But Also

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matsuda, Sayu  
**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Sayu," Matsuda said awkwardly to the slightly younger girl in his arms. He had just confessed his feelings for her, and she had hugged him. He had never been happier.

But _That Thing_... it was nagging at his mind.

"Sayu," he said, "I love you, but I also shot your brother. Six times."


	67. Eating Apples

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor, CRACK**

**A/N: I'm warning you right now, this is crack. My friend and I came up with this late at night after watching the live-action DN movies. You ever notice how Light suddenly starts getting apples all the time, in the movie? Like, EVERY time he walks in the house, he's picking up an apple for Ryuk. Well... Alli and I wondered... wouldn't you think Light's parents would notice such an increase?**

* * *

Light walked past the kitchen on his way to his room, pausing to grab an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. Looking at it from every angle, he tossed it into the air and caught it with a satisfying slap of skin against apple flesh. Ryuk, invisible at his side, was jittering with excitement, bugging Light to get to his room so he could eat it without frightening the humans.

Soichiro, sitting at the kitchen counter and reading a newspaper, looked up at him.

"Light."

Light froze. It was The Voice. He didn't get it a lot, but when he did he knew it was bad. It was usually followed by 'you're grounded' or, even more rarely but worse by far, 'I'm disappointed in you.'

He slowly turned his head to look at his father, putting the apple back. "Yeah, Dad?"

"Please come here."

Shit. This was bad. It was worse than 'you're grounded' or even 'I'm disappointed in you.' No, coming over to _him_ meant that he wasn't in trouble...

It signaled The Talk.

Which could only mean one thing. That his father had found out about him and Ryuuzaki. And that he either thought or knew what they had been doing when there was no one else in the Investigation Building. He must have figured out why L kept sending the _whole_ team, except him and Light, out on errands that would take two hours. Or why L absolutely refused to let any of them move into the Building, even after Aizawa changed his mind and asked to bring his family there, and made Matsuda stay _way_ at the other end of the place.

So his father must know. And now he was going to get The Talk combined with the Safe Gay Sex Talk, two of the most awkward talks in the world, all wrapped up into one big, awkward talk thing.

Needless to say, Light was uncomfortable.

However, when your parent tells you to 'please come here,' every well-disciplined knows that it's much better to drag your ass 'here' before they dragged it 'here' _for_ you. And so, reluctantly, Light came to his father.

"Sit down," Soichiro said seriously.

Light sat.

"Y-yeah Dad?"

"Light, I've noticed something recently."

"Um... yeah."

"And I think we need to talk about it."

Light cringed. "Do we have to?"

Soichiro nodded solemnly. "Yes, son. I'm afraid we do. I know this might be an uncomfortable topic for you, but as your father, I have to do this. Light. Son. I know how you feel, but if you keep doing this..." He sighed. "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you. You're going to get diarrhea."

Light blinked. "How can sodomy give you diarrhea?"

Soichiro stared at him. "Light... you _are_... _eating_ the apples, right?"

"Apples?" Light stared right back. Then it struck him. All the apples he had been taking for Ryuk... it was six or seven a day. His father thought... "Oh! Right. Apples. Yeah, by 'sodomy' I meant 'apples.' What were you saying?"

"Son... are you... what are you doing with the apples?"

"Nothing Dad. I confuse those words sometimes. How can apples give you diarrhea?"

Soichiro explained at length about how eating too much fruit can give you the runs, looking funnily at Light the whole time. When he finally finished, Light said, meaningfully, "I'm glad we had this talk, Dad."

"Um... yes." Soichiro pulled at the skin of his face. "Light... I'm your father. You know I love you no matter what, right?"

"Yeah Dad."

So, his father might have thought he was having sex with apples, but at least he didn't know about L, right?


	68. Gay Pride

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Soichiro (Light)**

Genre: Family

**A/N: I adore Soichiro. He's such a good person that I can't even stand it. And he's so stable throughout all of Death Note. He loves exactly two things- Justice and his family. He is truly a good man. And that is why I write about him so much. :)**

* * *

Soichiro glanced around uncomfortably before taking a deep breath and just going for it. Once he was in the little store, however, he managed to relax, despite the fact that he was surrounded by things he had no name for and much of the time was rather glad he couldn't identify. A young man with bright pink hair passed by, not even glancing at him. These were people who were proud of who they were, or who their loved ones were. He wished he could be like that, and he knew he _could _be, but...

Well, he was going to need a little more time. It had only been a week ago that his supposedly straight son had introduced _the_ L as his lover- and Soichiro had really thought he'd loved the model Misa Amane. It was certainly strange to him, the thought that Light liked... men. Homosexuality had barely been a topic when he was growing up, and now he was presented with this highly unexpected situation, which he had to accept. He wasn't even certain exactly how it worked with two guys. He knew the basics, but... like... how did... _that_... fit _there_? And why would they _want _it to?

But unconditional love was unconditional love. He would love Light even if he really _was_ Kira, although he supposed the fact that L was willing to be intimate with him suggested that he couldn't be. Who knew with those two boys, though? Who could understand either of them, aside from each other?

It was probably that, that brought them together.

Selecting a wristband that said 'gay' in rainbow colors and a T-shirt that bore a picture of two tenderly interlaced male hands, Soichiro sighed. At least he wouldn't have to worry about Light getting his lover pregnant anymore. One less headache as a father, right? And as STDs went, the model was _way_ more likely to have one than the reclusive detective, right?

He hesitated, then picked up a shirt that read, 'I'm proud of my son AND his boyfriend' superimposed over a Pride flag, and brought the lot to the checkout counter. "And that, too," he mumbled to the cashier, indicating a bottle of lube.

The worker nonjudgementally rang him up, handing everything back in a bright rainbow bag that still somehow managed to be thin enough that anyone could see its contents. Soichiro cringed at the far-from-subtle packaging, taking a deep, fortifying breath and exiting the store with his purchase.

Someone stared at him in obvious disgust, and suddenly Soichiro was furious. Was this what Light would have to deal with? Did people stare at _him_ that way, too, when he took his lover's hand? _He_ could take Sachiko's hand anywhere he liked, without fear and without even getting looked at, even in Japan. Did this person _dare_ suggest that the love his son felt was somehow not _love_, simply because the other man had a penis, too? Did he suggest that Light was so shallow as to love someone for what was or wasn't in their _pants_?!

Swelling with righteous indignation, Soichiro stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and stared right back until the person, embarrassed, walked on, muttering, "Fag."

And suddenly, Soichiro really _was _proud.


	69. Sayu's Response

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Matsuda, Sayu**

**A/N: RavenFire40 requested a continuation of 'But Also,' where Matsuda tells Sayu he shot Light. It's even shorter than the other one, but here it is.**

* * *

"...six times."

To Matsuda's surprise, Sayu shrugged.

"I've wanted to do that for _years_."


	70. Not Subtle

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Characters: Light, Sayu**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: It's Matt and Mello's actual death days. Right date, right month, right year. Tonight, Matt and Mello die. Thus, this fic has nothing to do with them and is purely humor. Because the death of Matt and Mello honestly hurts. T.T**

* * *

Upon reflection, Light... reflected... he really should not have been surprised on the day he discovered he was into guys. After all, he had never exactly been the manliest of men. _Sayu_ was often more manly than he was, and she spent half her time taping pictures of Hideki Ryuga to her walls, fangirling.

Incidentally, it had been she that had made him realize it. His little sister had come up to him one day, sat him down, put a hand on his shoulder, and told him, "Light, you're gay. You're seventeen and you haven't figured it out, so I'm _telling_ you. You're into guys."

He had denied it, of course, having previously believed himself to be straight, if a bit on the feminine side, and Sayu had sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes.

"_Think_, Light. You're brilliant- look at the clues."

"I really don't-"

"You had the biggest Beanie Baby collection within a 100-mile radius."

"That doesn't-"

"Your favorite toy was My Little Ponies."

"That's a stereotype and I resent-"

"You still have them."

"Just for sentimental reasons!"

"You're clean, well-dressed, and you smell good."

"It's called metro-"

"You blast Lady Gaga from your room, and you know all the words to the _entire_ musical Mama Mia."

"Well..."

"You saw it live. _Six times_. Alone."

"It's a really good musical!"

"I once heard you moan 'Hideki Ryuga' in your sleep- heard it from my _own room_, no less, and-"

"Okay!" Light cut her off. "Got it. You think I'm gay! _Got_ it."

Sayu sighed again and shook her head, going back to her room.

Light did the same. Going to his closet to change his clothes, he averted his eyes from the huge Hideki Ryuga poster taped to the inner wall.

...Yeah. In retrospect, he realized, it really shouldn't have taken him nearly eighteen years to figure it out.


	71. Yagami's Home for Extraordinary Kiras

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This was The Original Gamer (previously known as Miss Mattie)'s idea. Used with permission.**

* * *

Light had been happily ruling the world as Kira for seventy years now. No one opposed him anymore, and his worship rate was increasing exponentially as young children were baptized into and raised in the faith. There hadn't been a war in seven decades and crime was down to a measly five percent. Misa was even dead. In short, Light was a very happy camper.

There was one detail, however, that was niggling at his brain.

He was really freaking _old_.

Light knew he wasn't really a god, of course; even if his delusions of grandeur extended to almost everything else in his existence, he knew he wasn't immortal. He couldn't see his own lifespan, but he was now 92 years old and it didn't take a genius, which he was, to figure out that he probably didn't have much time left before he was sent screaming into Hell. Or Mu, if the thoroughly unreliable shinigami was to be believed.

And, like L so, so long ago, Light needed an heir. Someone to take his place as Ruler of All Humanity when he was gone. Someone who wasn't corrupt, but also agreed completely with Kira. He also had to be less groveling than Mikami, who was also thankfully dead.

In short, he needed someone who was exactly like him, but young.

And what had _L_ done when he'd needed an heir?

Light smiled.

He even knew what he'd call the place.

Yagami's Home for Extraordinary Kiras.


	72. Nine Months Later

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, some Misa**

**Genre: Family, Angst**

**A/N: Takes place nine months after 780 Days, the chapter! :D It's not humor, though. Also, it's Light's POV.**

**Also- it's Light's death day. Please don't review saying "YAY!" because Light being dead actually makes me sad. T.T**

**We only get one day to recover from M/M dying, and then BAM Light dies too. T.T**

* * *

I looked down at the tiny child in my arms, still filthy, soaked, barely toweled off before being plopped into Misa's arms, and then mine.

It stared at me. Blank. But it didn't cry after the initial life-giving wail.

As I stared back, I remembered the nine hellish months that had led to this one. I didn't like Misa on a _good_ day, let alone when she was even _more_ emotional than she was on a daily basis. She had switched between moods faster than anything I'd ever seen. It was ironic that the only reason I was in this situation- where she wouldn't shut up- was because, nine months ago, I had finally given in to her pleas in an attempt TO shut her up.

And now there was a baby, and it would either be like me or like her. I couldn't decide which would be worse, but it had to be one or the other, because our personalities couldn't possibly cohabitate in one body.

And someday I would have to explain to it that I have never loved its mother.

Which Misa still didn't know.

(L, by the way, had been extremely amused when I had finally had to tell him. I tried not to think about that memory a lot. L didn't laugh often.)

I felt awkward just standing there, holding it while people walked around me, but Misa was looking at me like the pair of us was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and, to her, it probably was. The one she loved holding her child, the product of their union...

I looked down at the baby again, as an excuse for somewhere to look.

Could I love this creature? I supposed the first step would be to stop mentally referring to it as 'this creature.' But this unresponsive lump of flesh? So fragile and helpless that everything had to be done _for_ it? That couldn't even lift its head?

That would someday start to grow. Learn to read. Ride a bike. Drive a car. Go on dates. Go to college (if it was more like me than Misa), get married (if it was more likeMisa). Someday it would talk, and it would call me "Daddy" and someday it would ask about me and 'Mommy.'

I would lie, of course, and tell the child I loved Misa, and that I loved _it_, too. I would say it regularly, and act like I did. I was good at that and didn't doubt my ability to convince a child of it. I had no desire to neglect a child, nor to raise one with the psychological issues that 'not being loved' would cause (although it would get more than enough love from Misa alone, who had loved it since it was frikin _sperm_. Add that to the love it would get from Matsuda, Sayu, my father, and especially my mother, and it would be fine) and so I would lie.

The baby was totally limp, breathing calmly, more peaceful than I had ever seen a creature _be_.

I couldn't love it. And I was _trying_ really hard. I tried to think of all the cute things Sayu did when she was a baby, but the plan was inherently flawed- I knew I didn't love Sayu, either. I _cared_ for her, of course, but I wouldn't be too bothered if she died. Sad for a moment, but _nothing_ would compare to the wreck I'd be if _L_ died...

I forced his mind away from that thought, almost shuddering.

And if this child died? I waited for the shudder, but nothing happened. I waited for the desire to go 'ungh' like people did when they heard news stories about people hurting children or children dying. I waited for some sense of guilt or something, in relation to the fact that I was holding a tiny baby and wondering what it would be like if it died.

Nothing.

I had always known I was _cold_, but...

Why couldn't I care? I _wanted_ to care. I knew I _should_ care. But I looked into the brand-new eyes and felt nothing, even as they stared back at me.

For my own child, I could feel nothing.

I entertained, for a moment, the idea that perhaps it _wasn't_ my child... but that was absurd. Misa would die before being unfaithful, and all the dates matched up.

So yeah. For my own child, I could feel nothing.

I was scum.

My skin crawling with self-loathing, I passed the child back to its mother. I kissed her on the forehead. "I'm gonna go tell them."

"Okay, Light," she said dreamily, gazing at her baby with a level of emotion that I wished _I, _too, could feel for it. She held it so gently, so purely full of love...

I hurried out of the room to update the waiting people who loved my child more than _I_ did.


	73. Tennis

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L/Light**

**Genre: Parody, romance**

**A/N: This is a parody of the tennis game in volume three. Some of it is word for word, but some obviously had to be changed to make sense here.**

* * *

Their faces bumped together, experience on Light's part, intuition on L's, as Light deepened and dominated the kiss.

Suddenly, he hesitated. If he went for seme, would L think he was Kira? _'He couldn't possibly be planning to do some psychological profile of me'_ he thought,_ 'as Kira, just from whether or not I want to top.'_

L, pressing into his lips, parting them to encourage Light's tongue, was, like Light, always thinking. _'This is just a simple human interaction. It's not enough to determine if he might be Kira. But Kira hates submitting... Relax, Yagami. Kira hates to lose, but you don't have to be Kira to want to top.'_

_'If I try too hard for seme,' _Light further thought as he kissed L over to the bed, pushing him down, _'does that make me seem like Kira? On the other hand... if I go for uke on purpose, he'll think that I thought dominating him would make me seem like Kira. So agreeing to take it makes me seem like Kira too- right?'_

L moaned a little as Light's hands slipped up his chest, under his shirt. Light smiled smugly. _'Same thing. There's no way he'd profile me though sex. He's got some other reason for doing this. So I'll go for seme_.'

_'See?'_ L thought as he traced his tongue down Light's jawbone, making the younger male groan. _'He's trying to top.'_

Light dipped his head down to L's neck, kissing and biting, tonguing and gently blowing, as L threw his head back.

"Ryuuzaki..." he panted, holding L by the face and kissing him deeply. "Stop trying to figure out if I'm Kira."

L smiled into the kiss and began to move his lower body against him. "Very good, Light-kun. _Are_ you?"

Light gasped at the friction and clenched his teeth against any further vocalization. "No. I'm not," he lied.

"Good," L whispered into his neck. "Then you won't mind if..."

L flipped him.


	74. Touche

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

L looked innocently at the ceiling. "Whatever you say, Kira-kun."

"Shut up, L Lawliet-kun."

"...touché."


	75. The Prostitute Conundrum

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: The ellipses ("...") are the other person talking. I thought that was clear but I wanted to make sure. ^^**

* * *

"No," L repeated into the phone, working hard to contain his annoyance and anger. "I will not take the case. ... I said _no_. ... She's suing him for _theft _and not _rape_?... She's a prostitute? ... _No_, counselor, I'm still not interested, I don't take these kinds of cases, I- And _he's_ suing _her_ because he was displeased with her services?! ... There's no satisfaction guarantee on hookers, Mr. Whetherford! ... He didn't even pay her so what exactly does he want _back_- ... How the hell is she supposed to return that!? ... I don't care, I still don't want the case. ... Because it's absurd! Good day!"

L hung up heavily and sighed, shaking his head at the phone, massaging his temples with long, pale fingertips.

"What was that, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked casually.

"Light-kun... legally speaking... if you rape a prostitute, is it stealing?"


	76. Rem's Announcement

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Rem, Matsuda, everyone**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Believe it or not, I'm STILL not out of ideas. Which means you're gonna hear more from this fanfic. AREN'T YOU JUST SO EXCITED?!? *crickets* XD **

**Ignore how this one is completely impossible time-line wise. Yes, I went through and listed every character minus the shinigami in How to Read, my mind, and the cast lists in Change the World (the novel) and LABB. You can skip that paragraph. I just got a little carried away.**

* * *

Matsuda groaned, stretching his back and cringing as he heard his vertebrae audibly pop. If he wasn't careful, he was going to end up like L, and no one wanted that. Especially his chiropractor who was, incidentally, the same one L went to, since that was the one covered by L's health benefits for the Task Force members. Matsuda was pretty sure that the chiropractor would kill himself if he had another patient whose back was as bad as L's. Matsuda wouldn't blame him.

Aizawa smacked him to get his attention. "Why are we here?" the temperamental man demanded of him.

"How should _I_ know?" Matsuda said defensively.

"Because you made us all _come_ here!" Aizawa growled, gesturing at the room full of people. The task force (including Light, L, Misa, and Soichiro), Light's other immediate family, the students and staff of Wammy's House (including but not limited to A, BB, C, L, Mello, Matt, Near, Linda, Roger, and Watari), the SPK, Mikami, the Yotsuba Group, Ryuk, Rod Ross, Jose, Takada, Ukita, Kitamura, Takimura, Aizawa's wife and daughter, Raye Penber and Naomi Misora, Believe Bridesmaid, Quarter Queen, Backyard Bottomslash, Professor Nikaido, Maki, Kujo, Suruga, Matoba, Q, Aiber and Wedy, Jack Neylon, Zakk Irius, Glen Humphreys, Rashual Bid, Demegawa, Takuo Shibuimaru, Kurou Otoharada, Kiichiro Osoreda, Lind L. Tailor, David Hoope (President of the United States!), Geroge Sairas, Steve Mason, and Yitzak Ghazanin; everyone in the series had turned up for this supposedly important announcement.

"Hey, I was just doing what the shinigami told me to do," Matsuda said, putting up his hands, palms out. "I don't want to die."

Suddenly Rem floated into the middle of the room, and the whole place went quiet.

Solemnly, in her slow, expressive voice, Rem said, "I suppose you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today."

This should have been obvious, seeing as how this room was full to the brim with (impossibly) conflicting groups, such as the Mafia and the Japanese police, so no one said a word.

"The thing is... I've been hiding for too long. There is an essential part of me that I can't cover up any longer. It's not fair to me, or to any of you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, and I know this might come as a shock to you, but... I... am a lesbian."

Rem cast her strange gaze over the silent crowd, thrown off that not a single person in the room looked surprised.

Suruga raised his hand. "Um... I just met you three minutes ago and I've already seen you check out that blond girl in the goth lolli. Eight times."

Misa crinkled her nose.

"Me too," Demegawa yawned.

President Hoope shook his head, stood up, and left, mumbling something about 'President of the United States' and 'waste of time' and 'who cares which way a shinigami rolls?'

Everyone filed out one by one, until only Ryuk was left with the very dejected Rem.

"You know..." Ryuk said, "If you ever want a girlfriend, I'm totally okay with that. I mean... girl on girl is..."

Rem stared at him, rolled her eyes, and floated away.


	77. Redecorating

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L and Light**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"I redecorated! And I got you a present!" Light trilled excitedly, grabbing L by the wrist and jumping up and down.

L was not surprised by this extraordinarily Misa-like behavior. While Light wasn't always your typical gay guy, he certainly had his moments. Like this, for example. Random redecorating, and then the bouncing thing. It was almost enough to convince L that Light couldn't be Kira. Kira would simply never be that perky. Delightedly, Light shoved a package into L's hands. "The present first. Open it," he ordered.

L sighed and tore it open. Inside was a white, sweater version of what he currently wore.

"Thank you, Light-kun," he said emotionlessly, putting it on. It _was_ kind of chilly in the Building today. Still worried, L asked warily, "What did you redecorate, Light-kun?" Usually what Light redecorated ended up looking actually very good, since Light was just naturally amazing at everything he attempted. Sometimes, though, it was just a little too... _pink_... for L's liking.

"Our room," Light supplied, tugging on L's sweater to set it right. "Come look?"

L allowed himself to be dragged to their bedroom, where Light placed him in front of the closed door. All of a sudden, Light was back in character. "Open the door, Ryuuzaki," he said calmly.

L missed the smile Light was fighting to contain as he reached for the doorknob...

Light ripped open the door and shoved L inside, slamming it behind him and throwing himself against it so L couldn't get out. L frowned and tried the door. "Light-kun, why have you locked me in the room?"

"Turn around," he heard from the other side of the door.

A sense of doom came over L. Slowly, reluctantly, L turned around.

S-sheep. Sheep everywhere. Sheep wallpaper; cartoon-y, dancing sheep, smiling sadistically and wearing colorful bows in their evil wool. Sheep bedspreads of detailed, realistic sheep grazing in a field. Sheep pillows of the same cartoon sheep as the walls, intended to be cuddly and in contrast decidedly terrifying. Abstract paintings of sheep all over the walls, squares and triangles painted together into various creative, demonic, geometric impressions of the deadly mammal. A landscape of a peaceful pasture, dotted here and there with the murderous creatures, eating grass like they weren't _plotting_, their shifty eyes practically following L when he moved.

And to top it all off, in the middle of the bed was a sheep plushie with long, gangly legs and googly eyes, its tongue sticking out of one corner of its mouth as if it were rabid.

Frozen in horror, L could only stare at the monsters surrounding him, imagining the carnage that would occur if these sheep actually existed.

The finishing touch- on a timer, set to go off just when L was at his most vulnerable- was one of those little machines that plays soothing sounds like heartbeats and ocean waves to help you fall asleep. To L's terror, his one, in some kind of farm setting, played the distant, gentle 'baas' of the evilest of God's creations.

L shrieked and threw himself at the door, but Light must have propped a chair under the door, because it wasn't letting up. He checked for hinges, but they were outside. He was trapped in this place. This sheep-Hell from which there would be no return.

"Light..." he begged, "please let me out."

Light knew he had probably taken it too far- he also knew that L would most definitely have his revenge, being just as childish as he himself- but he couldn't resist one more push, the one that would make L need at least four years of therapy. He did let L out of the room, however, and stepped aside so that L could stumble out easily.

"And L?" he said innocently.

"Yes, Light-kun?" the detective whispered exhaustedly.

"The sweater I got you?"

"...Yes?"

"It's wool."

* * *

**A/N: Nope, I still wasn't done with the sheep thing. XD I may be done with it now, though. No one really knows. *mysterious music***


	78. Quoting

****

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Star Trek.

**Characters: L, Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This is dedicated to my lovely fanfiction wife, The iPod Addict. You should really, REALLY go read her stuff. It's hilarious. Without fail, everything she writes makes me laugh hysterically. READ IT.**

* * *

L was playing with his sugar cubes again, stacking them up until the tower inevitably toppled to the table. He never seemed to mind that part, however, as that was when he was able to actually _eat_ the sugar.

Light, next to him, sighed. "Ryuuzaki, you're like a kid. Do you know that?"

"The more complex the mind, the more the need for the simplicity of play, Light-kun."

"That's from Star Trek," Light replied without hesitating.

L shrugged. "That does not make it untrue."

"I'm pretty sure it does."

"How do _you_ know the line, Light-kun," L challenged, "if you did not watch the show to satisfy your complex mind's need for simple play?"

Light didn't answer, subtly hiding behind his back the Starfleet Academy logo on his wristwatch.

* * *

**A/N: The scary thing is, I'm not even close to being out of stupid ideas like this. Not even close. O_O **

**READ THE IPOD ADDICTS STUFF!**


	79. Posture

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Roger**

**Genre: I don't know**

**A/N: I admit, this one is underdeveloped. But the idea has been killing me and I can't think of anything else to do with it.**

* * *

Matt slumped in his seat, so focused on his game that he didn't even notice that he was practically folded in half.

Roger smacked him over the head with a book about cicadas. "Matt, sit up. _**L**_ would be ashamed of your posture."


	80. Irish Wristwatch

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Light, L**

Characters: Humor

**A/N: You're going to have to say this one out loud with the characters or you're gonna think I'm completely insane. XD**

* * *

"Ryuuzaki," Light said, of course speaking in Japanese, "say 'Irish wristwatch' in English."

"Why, Light-kun?"

"Just do it."

Switching to his native language, L translated. "Irish rishwash." He frowned. "Irish rishthwatch. Irish rishwash. Irish ristchwatch! _Shirish wrishwash_! **Airish rishrasch**!!!"

Thoroughly displeased, L simply turned back to his computer and pretended he hadn't just been defeated by a tongue twister.

* * *

**To anyone for whom English is not their first language- did this make any sense? And do you find it hard to say? Let me know!**


	81. L's Eyebrows

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Because we all wonder about L's eyebrows.**

**Also- I can't reply to all reviews anymore. T.T It is simply impossible. I'll of course still answer if you ask a question, and I promise I read all of them, but I could write a whole new Short in the time it takes to reply to all the reviews. (It's a little late to be saying this, but over one thousand reviews??? That's so freaking incredible! Thank you!!!!!) I assume you'd rather have a new chapter than a reply that says "Thank you for reading" or "Thanks!" **

**AlsoAlso- My keyboard is giving out, believe it or not. Do you know a place I can get a cheap one? XD**

* * *

Light heard an agonized scream from the direction of L's room. Not even hesitating to look at Watari, who was about to tell him not to worry, Light took off in a mad dash to see what was happening and, if necessary, save the world's three greatest detectives.

He burst through the door, running to L's attached bathroom when he didn't see any signs of struggle. "Ryuuzaki, are you okay!?!" he demanded, flinging the door open dramatically.

L looked at him, wide-eyed. "Yes, Light-kun. Is there a reason you have come charging into my bathroom?"

"You sounded like you were being stabbed!" Light accused him.

"Worse," L said solemnly.

"What's worse than being stabbed??"

L held up a strip of waxing tape.

"Ryuuzaki... what were you just waxing?"

"My _eyebrows_, Light-kun. I realize that you are a teenager, but let's try to keep our minds out of the gutter, shall we?"

"You wax your eyebrows?" Light demanded. "_Off?_"

"Obviously. Did Light-kun really believe that I simply _had_ no eyebrows?"

Light didn't have a good answer for that, so he asked another question. "_Why_?"

"Because I am L," he answered mysteriously, as if that explained everything.

Light, with his perfect eyebrows, shook his head, sighed, and left the strange man alone to return to work.


	82. Roger Hates His Job

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or House, M.D.**

**Characters: Roger, (Everyone else)**

Genre: Humor, friendship

* * *

It was a normal day in Wammy's House; Near was sorting animal crackers by animal, Mello was rampaging about the place for no apparent reason, Linda was sobbing in her favorite corner, BB was violently murdering something while C laughed, A was writing his fourteenth suicide note, and Roger was having a mental breakdown, trying to deal with all of it.

This was simply not a job that Roger would ever have signed up for, if his best friend hadn't begged him on his knees to take over the place. He had originally come for administrative purposes, _not_ to deal with all the insane, genius children. Roger loved Wammy like a brother, but he was pretty sure he'd never be able to forgive the man for using Those Eyes. They had grown up together at an orphanage, and they weren't _young_ men, so Wammy should know that Those Eyes simply weren't _fair_. Wammy might _seem_ like a gentlemanly English butler, but Roger knew differently.

His best friend was, in fact, a manipulative little bastard who always somehow managed to make Roger do whatever he wanted.

Like this. Like leaving him in charge of the terrifying little monsters while Wammy went out and worked with L who was, incidentally, one of the only Wammy Lads that Roger could halfway stand.

Kids were germy. Kids were snotty, both literally and in terms of personality. Kids whined. Kids hadn't yet really learned to control their emotions. Kids lied _all the time_. Kids were often afraid of insects and made him kill them.

In short, Roger simply could find nothing to like about kids and really, _really_ didn't want this job. Had he mentioned that he didn't want to be doing this? Like, at all. He _really_ didn't want to be doing this. He hadn't even liked kids when _he_ was a kid.

"Roger, I have a splinter," said a small voice from the corner.

Roger almost cried. They had a nurse at Wammy's House. 'Nurse,' in fact, was a serious understatement for the man and more of a job title than an actual, accurate description of him. He had a medical degree and had worked for various presidents across the world. He had gone head-to-head with Doctor Gregory House, and actually managed to equal him. He had been the personal physician to the Queen of England, and would have continued to be except that Wammy had snatched him up. And yet this kid, whoever he was, had come to _him, _to _Roger_, with a splinter.

Roger didn't like kids, but kids sure as hell seemed to like _him_.

Reluctantly, Roger turned around. He relaxed when he saw who it was. Matt. More importantly, Matt without the ten-year-old hellion anywhere in sight. Matt was tolerable when Mello wasn't around. Roger wouldn't admit it out loud, but he _may _have had a bit of a soft spot for the kid. Maybe.

"All right. Did you bring the tweezers and rubbing alcohol?"

Matt nodded.

"Come here."

Obediently, Matt walked over to Roger, presenting the rubbing alcohol, tweezers, cotton ball, and injured finger.

Roger had removed so many splinters in his time that the whole process took only minutes. It was conceivable that he was better at it than even the (highly, _highly_) paid doctor under his employ.

Next came the part that Roger pretended to dread but that, in reality, made the job he hated, rewarding. Matt hugged him quickly around the neck, thanking him, and dashed off to rejoin his best friend in whatever they were terrorizing.

...Maybe Roger didn't _completely_ hate his job.

___________________

**A/N: Awww, Roger.**


	83. Misa is Converted

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Misa**

**  
Genre: Humor**

* * *

Misa, as usual, was checking through Light's computer's search history. She wasn't checking _up_ on him. Quite the contrary, she wanted to go to the sites he'd been on so she could go there too, and they'd have something to talk about. It was definitely closer to stalking than it was to 'possessive.'

She was quite surprised to find a link to fanfiction(dot)net. It didn't seem like Light's style, but nevertheless, she followed the link. He was already logged in, so she didn't even have to try to hack it. She had actually gotten pretty good at it over time, although she didn't understand why one of Light's favored passwords was 'LxL4ever.' Or why his username for fanfiction(dot)net was LsNightlyLover69.

She drifted over to his favorite's list. Skimming over the summaries, she saw that most of them either said 'fluff' or 'PWP' in their description, although none of them ever said both. She was used to not understanding things, so she didn't think too much into it.

The next fic she saw said 'LxL yaoi PWP.' Misa knew what 'yaoi' meant, all right. It was that nasty guy-on-guy thing that lots of girls she worked with totally loved. Why did _Light_ have that on his _favorites_ list?

Determined to be the best girlfriend she could be, she braced herself and clicked on the story.

Her eyes got wider with every passing sentence. This was... this was... well, basically, _written_ _porn_. With two guys! And it was... hot? Misa recognized the feeling that had previously never been brought on by two guys going at it. Yes, she was definitely turned on, but _geeze! _This story had no plot at _all_! Not that she was really complaining by this point. But they hadn't even said the character's _names_!

But then they did. At the come scene, the two guys shouted each other's names. One shouted 'Ryuuzaki'...

The other shouted 'Light.'

Misa nearly died of blood loss.

When she finally managed to crawl up off the floor, she read every single fanfic on Light's favorites list that day, all of which were yaoi, most of which were Light and L. She hadn't read so much in _years_, but it was worth it:

Misa was officially an LxLight fan.


	84. Alphabet Song

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the alphabet song. Sadly.**

**Characters: L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"ABCDEFG..." the kid sang.

L shuddered.

"HIJK..."

"Child, please stop."

"LMNOP..."

"Child!"

"QRS..."

"CHILD! Cease and desist!"

The kid, alarmed, ran away and caught up with his mother.

The alphabet song had always made L kind of twitchy. Aside from the unpleasant memories brought up by A, B, and C, he found it a little bit disturbing that children stated the name of the name of the most twisted killer L had ever faced, and in sing-song. Beyond Birthday was not something to be joked about- L _still_ had nightmares. Then, of course, there was the fact that he always felt like whoever was singing the song was calling him, since his name showed up in it. He also felt like he was getting yelled at in a group, since Wammy and Roger, when L was a child, would often have to yell at several of them. "H, M, L, and R! Get down to my office this instant!"

That, and it always felt a little bit like the kid was revealing the identities of everyone at Wammy's House.

The whole thing just made the twelfth letter of the alphabet, understandably, incredibly uncomfortable.


	85. Sweeney Todd

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Sweeney Todd.**

**Characters: Light, Misa**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This one just exists for the last line, lol. XD**

* * *

Misa, Johnny Depp fangirl extraordinaire, had finally managed to make Light (_closet_ Johnny Depp fangirl extraordinaire) watch the movie version of Sweeney Todd. As the credit music rolled, Kiras one and two could only stare in horror at the screen.

Because, aside from the actual demographic of people he was killing, even Light had to admit that he was behaving quite like the character on-screen.

Misa seemed to have noticed the same thing, at least in respect to how similar she inarguably was to Mrs. Lovett. "You wouldn't throw Misa into an oven, would you?" the model asked weakly.

"No," Light lied.

But the movie had made him think. It was then that he knew he had to give up Kira; to run into L's arms and never kill again.

And thus countless of lives were saved by musical theater.

* * *

**Alternate Ending: "And thus countless of lives were saved by Johnny Depp." XD**


	86. Suspicious Behavior

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: OC, Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This idea came from my friend Alanna. :) You know, the one that dragged my sorry butt through Beautiful Disaster? Yep! Everyone wave to Alanna!**

* * *

It was my fourth day at this sucky job, and already I was so sick of it I could throw up. I couldn't quit for a long, complicated reason that I didn't care to explain, but my boss was definitely (okay, so it was more like _maybe_) a creeper, so there was always a chance that Kira might kill him, incidentally freeing me from this job. I was holding out for that, but not overly hopeful.

Suddenly my attention was dragged from my own thoughts to the face of the guy next in line at my register.

He was gorgeous. He was dressed up but he still looked comfortable, so he might be rich, and he seemed both disinterested and dangerously intelligent, judging by his bright, sepia eyes.

My gushing was interrupted when he glanced at his watched and sighed. Damn, he was gay. That was the most blatantly gay sigh I'd ever heard.

He ignored me completely when he got up to the register. I had to actively force myself to stop gawking at him as I rang up the contents of his cart. It was really, really hard to focus. To make myself look away, I stared at what he had bought.

Ballpoint pens.

I glanced into his cart. _More_ ballpoint pens.

Glanced at what I had absently already rung up. Yet more ballpoint pens.

He paid and left without a word, but I couldn't help but wonder what one person could use so many pens for.


	87. Going Green

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, the Death Note (?)**

Genre: Humor, Alternate Ending

A/N: So, DN could have ended at a million different points, if a single character had done a single thing even slightly differently. Starting now, you will occasionally see 'Alternate Ending' shorts. Assuming I come up with more. They will probably mostly be humor. :D

* * *

Light stared at the little black notebook in his hand, flipping it open. "The human whose name is written in this Note shall die?" He rolled his eyes. "Whatever." On his way home, he dropped it in a recycling bin.

That night, in his cram class, they watched a movie about recycling for reasons Light could not fathom. Wasn't this class supposed to be preparing them for the entrance exams??

The narrator in the movie talked much too excitedly and dramatically about something as important but thoroughly unexciting as recycling. This movie was clearly intended for kids, which made Light, for the millionth, wonder what he was doing wasting his time in this room.

_Once the recycling bin has been collected and sorted, the different types of recyclables go to different factories. Let's follow the paper, shall we?_

Much too cheerful for Light's taste.

_The paper is shredded and melted down into __**wood pulp**__. _

The definition of 'wood pulp' popped up on-screen, and the other students hurried to write it down. Light looked around for a knife or a rope or a gun.

_After it is melted down, it is treated with various chemicals to clean it. The paper is then molded into shape and redistributed, often into new notebooks, making our Earth... a little greener._

Light groaned as the announcer tied in the title of the movie as if he was unbearably clever, but at least the blasted thing was _over._

---

The next day, mass hallucinations of monsters were reported, as well as hundreds of heart attack deaths.

Bio-warfare was suspected, connected with a particular company's brand of recycled notebooks.


	88. Birthday Suit

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**  
Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Puns FTW! Only funny if you know who Beyond Birthday is. ^^**

* * *

Light burst into the room. "Ryuuzaki, you've gotta stop him! He's making Matsuda cry again!"

"What seems to be the problem, Light-kun?"

"Watari's running around in his birthday suit!"

L's head shot up. "What?" he asked sharply.

"Watari's being naked in public again!"

"Oh, that's a relief," L said.

Light stared at him. Then, "Are you gonna go stop him, or what?"

"Yes, yes," L said cheerfully, looking around for Watari's pile of clothes and locating them in a corner. "I'll be back momentarily."

Looking much too happy, L gathered up Watari's underwear and went to go make him decent.

* * *

A/N: You know... 'cuz... _birthday_ suit... beyond _birthday_? XD Fail.


	89. Serve it Cold

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I **_**do**_** own C.**

**Genre: Horror, slight MxM romance**

**Characters: Mello, Near, C**

**A/N: This was going to be in Beautiful Disaster (would have been right after L and Light find out from Watari that Mello and Near were kidnapped), but I decided that I didn't want to switch POVs yet again. XD I liked it too much to get rid of it, soo...**

**Anyway, it's terribly incomplete. I think it will mostly make sense independent from BD but... well, maybe not.**

* * *

**Mello POV**

When I woke up, I wasn't entirely sure I had opened my eyes. I mean, wasn't I supposed to be able to _see_ when my eyes were open? I raised my hand to my face, but there was nothing covering it. So either I was blind or it was really, really dark.

I fumbled for my cell phone in my pocket- I could use it as a flashlight and if there was reception (unlikely) I could call for help- but I wasn't surprised when I found it distinctly not there. That probably meant that I had been abducted, right out of my bedroom. And if _I_ was...

A wave of terror and panic crashed through my entire system and I sprang to my feet. "Matt?" I called frantically. "Matt! Answer me!"

"He's not here," a soft voice told me from my left. "Now calm down or you'll attract attention from our captors."

Fuck.

Why, of all the people in the _world_, did I have to be kidnapped with _Near_? Wasn't the situation bad enough?

Although, I guess, better him than Matt, right? I mean, if we're both going to die, it might as well be Near. Me. Anyone but Matt.

"Where are we?" I demanded, trying to keep my voice down with little success.

I could picture him twirling his freaky albino hair when he answered. "Upon telling you that Matt is not among us, I have told you everything I know about the situation we are currently in. I speculate, however, that we have been kidnapped."

"No shit," I muttered.

I heard the soft rustle of fabric as he shrugged.

Godiva I hate him.

I picked a direction and started walking until I met a wall. It was cold and smooth under my fingers, and I followed it all the way around until I met a crack that could be a door. Using my fingers, totally blind, I traced the slit along the tall rectangle it formed. It was definitely a door, but there was no knob on this side and the hinges must have been on the other side, too.

I knocked on it. Reinforced steel. Wasn't going to happen.

I sighed, coming back to the Q-tip in the center of our square room. "So, what's the plan?"

"I have no plan at this time," he informed me, cold as usual. "I intend to wait until the situation develops."

I stared in his general direction. Wait until something happens?? What happens when the thing that happens is someone coming in and shooting both of us? What do we do then, aside from bleeding to death on the floor? (Thinking of the floor, I tapped it hopefully with my shoe. Also steel. No tunneling.) No. Every prison in the world is physically escapable if you're really determined; it's only psychology that keeps you in it. If you accept that you're a prisoner, you stop watching for ways out, even if you_ think _you're still looking...

This was something I knew, because I had successfully snuck out of Wammy's- and then back in- fourteen times in the last two years. Never been caught. And the security at that place, when it fully locks down at midnight, is _incredible_.

Wammy is a fuckin' _inventor_ after all.

Which begged the question- how'd whoever kidnapped us get _in_?

Also, how did they get past Matt? The kid's like a dog- he wakes up even if you just walk by. And he'd hardly have let them take me, even if there was a gun to his head. That's just how he is.

Okay, so far, we have a ninja with a forte in security breaking.

The motives for something like this. Okay. Power, money, drugs, sex, anger...

"Hello boys." The voice was calm, cool, terrifying, and absolutely the least welcome sound in Mello World, even including Near if he ever giggled.

"I presume you now know why you're both here," it continued.

Right. That damn other motive.

Revenge.

* * *

**A/N: So yes, the voice at the end was C who kidnapped them for a long, complicated revenge-thing about BB. :)**


	90. Cacti Are Sensitive

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do, however, own a cactus. He is still alive. I know- I'm just as surprised as you are. *hugs George* ...Okay, so, for future reference, don't hug cacti.**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

* * *

In tears, Matt hugged Mello around the middle, burying his face in his shoulder.

The last time he had done that, Mello recalled, was two years ago, when his game system had given out from sheer overwork. They weren't meant to withstand that kind of abuse.

But Matt's game systems were all in working order. Mello knew this- he checked them all every day before Matt woke up, and instantly replaced them (he had one of each in a closet that Matt never went in) if they had died in the night. If they died in the middle of play, he would lure Matt out of the room and very quickly switch them out, then call Matt back in and tell him he'd fixed it. He DID NOT want Matt to go through that again. It was like a beloved pet dying. He had had to replace Matt's 360 not a month ago. He suspected he knew, but as long as Matt was happy, Mello didn't care how it happened.

So not a game system, then. Definitely.

Another thing about Matt was that, although he'd come up to you and seek physical comfort like a hug, as he was at that moment, he wouldn't tell you _why_ unless you asked.

So Mello asked. "Matt," he said gently, putting his arms around him, "What's wrong?"

"Kitty is dead," Matt said sadly.

Mello tried to remember who 'Kitty' was. Tried hard. Was she someone at Wammy's? Was she his sister or something? No, Matt had been an only child.

Matt looked up at him with big, wet eyes, and Mello sighed.

"Matt... who's Kitty?"

"My cactus, remember?" He didn't seem surprised or offended that Mello didn't remember. He loved him, after all. With Mello, that was kind of something you just get used to.

Mello remembered. Matt had made him go out and get it _for_ him. Then it occurred to him. "Matt. How the fuck did you kill a cactus?"

Matt buried his face miserably back into Mello's leather. "It's easier than you'd think. I looked it up online. I didn't get her the right kind of dirt. And I guess she got too cold or too much sun..."

"Too much _sun?_ Is a cactus a desert being or not?!?"

"I dunno. She's just dead."

"How can you even tell?" Mello demanded.

"She's all shriveled-up and brown," he sighed. "It's so depressing."

Mello held him for a minute longer, until he said, "Do you want to bury Kitty next to your Nintendo 64?"

Matt nodded and collected the dead plant for its funeral.


	91. It's a Reflex

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

**A/N: It's scary how easy it is going to be to hit 100 chapters. T.T**

* * *

"Light-kun, did you know that I have no gag reflex?" L asked in his most innocent of Innocent Voices.

Light turned to stare at him, mouth open.

"What could the uses for such a disability possibly be?" L mused.

"You," Light croaked, "are evil."

L cocked his head, smiling a smile that contradicted such an innocent action. "In what way?" he asked, putting his thumb to his lip, grazing it very, very lightly with his teeth.

"Just... evil," Light replied, strangled.

"Light-kun," L said scoldingly, his fingers tracing up his own neck and into his hair. He moaned a little and ran his fingers through the black locks, letting his eyes slip half-closed. "I'm not _evil_..."

"Bastard."

"That was uncalled for. Just because my mother was a prostitute and so never married my father, making me _technically_ a bastard, does not give you the right to call me such a-"

Light stopped paying attention to what L was saying when he noticed that the detective's hands were going down, now. Down... over his chest, over his nipples, over his taut stomach, over his abdominals, lower...

"Dammit, Ryuuzaki!" Light yelled, crossing his legs. "Can you stop being a fucking living porn novel?! You're killing me!"

"Of course, Light-kun," L said brightly, pulling his hands out of his pants and returning to his computer. "All you had to do was ask."

Light stared at him for a long time.

"..._Damn _I love you."


	92. Thin Walls

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Genre: Humor, Alternate Ending**

**  
Characters: Light, Soichiro**

* * *

Light stared at the long-haired man on the TV in his room. The man frowned at him. "Kira. I think I've got a pretty good idea of why you're doing this. But what you are doing... is evil!!"

Utterly shocked, Light gaped at the television for a moment as if the thought had never occurred to him. He ducked his head, and suddenly his hair was covering his eyes. "Me... evil?"

His eyes went huge with fury and he shouted, "I am righteous!! I'm the hero who's liberating people from fear! I'm the savior who's going to be like a God of this perfect new wor-"

Soichiro froze, his hand on Light's doorknob. _"What?"_


	93. Light is Not Normal

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Ryuk (Light)**

* * *

Ryuk was bored. Even harassing Light wasn't giving him a thrill anymore. A bored shinigami is an unpleasant shinigami, and lately the other shinigami in the Shinigami Realm were giving him a hard time. They kept calling him gay, just because he followed a very ~pretty~ human male around all the time and because he hung around Rem too much.

Ryuk certainly didn't have feelings for Light that surpassed _he's amusing_, so he decided to finally do something about all the rumors and call it field research. They couldn't understand his fascination with him? Well, he'd show them that Light wasn't a normal guy. As Light would say, lists make everything better.

**Ways in Which Light Yagami is not Normal**

_1. Most human males keep a condom in their wallet. Light Yagami keeps a piece of the Death Note._

_2. Most human males think it is a bad idea to taunt the world's greatest detective. Light Yagami asks him if he knows that gods of death love apples._

_3. Most human males are at least moderately excited when their home country's top model is sitting on their lap wearing only a bra and panties. Light Yagami takes this opportunity to think about the world's greatest detective, who is already dead._

_4. Most human males who look at porn do so for their own pleasure. Light Yagami looks at porn to hide his activities as a serial killer._

_5. Most human males are not affected by the existence of a rule that says they can't kill someone under 780 days old. Light Yagami thinks the Death Note is, quote, "inconvenient."_

Ryuk looked approvingly at his list, then realized that he had written it in the Death Note and that his amusement was dead six times over on the floor at his feet.


	94. Revenge

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Nope, **_**still**_** not done with this idea. XD Besides, my fanfiction wife asked me to write this. How could I refuse? There's one more after this, then I'll stop with this arc.**

Also, to everyone who has requested or suggested chapters of things: I have all your ideas written down, as well as a note of who requested/suggested it. Some are even half-written. I'll most likely get to them. XD

* * *

Light would have had to have been completely dense to not notice the fact that L had been staring at him for the last seven hours straight. He wasn't sure, but he _thought_ he had seen him blink at least once in that time. Maybe. He might have just been narrowing his eyes.

Regardless, it was not a good sign. Light was nervous.

Suddenly, L stood up and left the room in the direction of their bedroom. He didn't come back out.

Now Light was outright terrified. While it was a good thing that L was no longer staring at him as he tried to work, Light _would_ eventually have to go to their bedroom. There were other bedrooms in the Building, of course, but none of them had his special shampoo in their adjoining bathroom. He couldn't go too long without the stuff or his hair would cease to be proof of a god that loves us and wants us to be happy.

He waited as long as he could until finally, finally, at midnight, he decided to bite the bullet and gave in.

He stood in front of their bedroom door for a long time. Then, hesitantly, he reached for the doorknob...

Which wouldn't budge. Shit, L had locked the door.

He heard a soft sound from inside the room. What was that? It sounded breathy and... wet? Was L... was L _crying_?!

Light waited patiently for the space/time continuum to come screeching to a halt, but nothing happened so he knocked on the door gently. The sound ceased immediately, replaced by L's voice. "Yes?"

"Um... can I come in?" Light asked awkwardly. He must have been imagining it. He sounded completely normal. There's no way he could be...

"No," L replied abruptly. "I wish to be alone."

Part of Light's brain died a little. L might really be upset in there. "Is something wrong?"

"No," L said too quickly.

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing_, Light-kun. I just wish to be alone."

Light frowned. He wanted to go in there and be with L. Kiss the problem away, if he'd let him. You never knew with L what mood he'd be in, at what time.

"Ryuuzaki... please?" he used his sweetest, gentlest voice.

He heard L hesitate. "...I do not wish you to see me like this."

"Ryuuzaki, I've seen you bleeding, showering, sobbing, naked, screaming, groping Misa's butt under the pretext of stealing her phone, and beating Matsuda up. I don't think it's going to change anything."

"Very well, Light-kun. But before I open the door, I must warn you. You are not going to like what you see."

"It's okay," Light said gently. "It's _me_."

"Very well..."

Suddenly, L flung open the door and dived at Light. Light screamed and was knocked to the floor, and L crushed him in a hug.

Normally this would not be a problem.

Normally, L was not dressed in an enormous butterfly suit.

Light struggled, screaming and cowering as the music from Psycho started playing on a recording from somewhere inside the room, trying to shove the older man off of him, darkness creeping around the edges of his vision. L clung to him, letting himself be tossed around. "What's the matter, Light-kun? I thought you said it didn't matter how I looked. I thought we were friends. I thought you _loved_ me!"

"Ryuuzaki... Ryuuzaki, please, I'm sorry, just please get off, I'm sorry I decorated the room with sheep, I shouldn't have done it, I'm an ass, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

And then Matsuda and Mogi appeared behind L in equally giant and brightly-colored butterfly costumes, and Light lost consciousness.


	95. Unexpected

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

* * *

"Hey, Matt?" Mello said tentatively from behind me.

Uh oh. If there was one thing I knew about my lover of fifteen years, it was that he didn't _do_ 'tentative.' He was always either one extreme or the other. There was no in-between, ever, for any reason.

So this could only be bad.

"Yeah, Mello?" I replied carefully, putting down my game and turning towards him to give him my full attention.

He sat down next to me on the couch and didn't say anything for a long moment, staring at his hands where they were folded on his lap, his pretty hair falling around his face. I put my hand on his knee and to my surprise he pulled it away. He had never done that before, no matter how bad it had been. I was the one person he always wanted. What, had he discovered that my parents were actually alive and then murdered them or something? What could possibly be so bad that...?

"Matt, we need to talk."

Well that couldn't be a good thing. That was usually what people said before they...

He didn't say anything for a few very long moments. Fuck.

Finally, I said, "Mello, you're killing me. Just spit it out."

"Matt, I think straight."

My mind went blank. Empty. White. I could hear wind in my brain as what he said simply did not compute.

I couldn't even get it through my head that he was breaking up with me. That I was losing the most important thing in my life. No, I was stuck trying to figure out how in the hell it could be _possible_ that Mello liked girls. His hair. His voice. His clothes. His habit of ripping off my clothes and throwing me to the floor or some other convenient surface.

"...Seriously?" was all I could come up with.

A huge grin split his face in half. "Fuck no," he laughed, and grabbed my face and proved it.


	96. Lucky Charms

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I've written this over 150 times now. Which sucks! Nor do I own Lucky Charms. Which also sucks, but significantly less. XD**

**Genre: Humor**

**  
Characters: Light, L**

* * *

Watari had swine flu.

L could function without him, of course. He wasn't completely incompetent. He could feed himself, bathe himself, find his own way to the bathroom. All without any assistance whatsoever.

Handcuffed to Light, though, he couldn't go grocery shopping. It simply wasn't going to fly in Japan; two guys handcuffed together. Maybe in Shinjuku, but they were in _Tokyo_, and it would be a problem. It would attract unnecessary attention, and L had no interest in getting stared at, with Kira at large. Thus, there was no food left in the Kira Investigation Building.

Light sighed as he pawed through one of the many empty pantries. They had finished the last morsel of food the day before, and Light was a teenage boy. The embodiment of perfection or not, he needed to eat. A lot. All the time.

And L was out of sweets. Light had never seen a sweets-less L, and he didn't want to. He imagined that it would not be pretty.

He gave up on his current pantry and moved to the next one, moving aside several bags of flour as L did the same in another.

He almost cried when the only thing their search turned up was Lucky Charms.

Light supposed he could make paste out of water and the flour, and eat that. It would be better than Lucky Charms.

Putting it on the counter, Light and L stared at the colorful box morosely. When they noticed that they were both upset about this find, they looked at each other.

"Ryuuzaki, I would think you would like Lucky Charms," Light wondered aloud. "They're so disgustingly sweet."

"The marshmallows, yes," L agreed. "But the other... _things_... I cannot stand. I would think _you_ would like Lucky Charms, Light-kun, as they are disgustingly _not_ sweet."

For the combined IQ in the room, it was remarkable that they didn't figure out the most obvious solution much sooner than they eventually did.


	97. Not Justice

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L (Light)**

**  
Genre: Angst, romance, different interpretation**

**A/N: This is just an alternate interpretation of L. This fanfic does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the writer. XD I'm also not trying to convert you to this belief. I just like how L (and every single other character in DN) can be interpreted so many different ways.**

* * *

Everyone assumes that I had the integrity to turn Light in if I found definitive proof that he was Kira, despite the fact that I undeniably loved him. They assume that my title as 'L' would come first, that my apparent love of Justice would never allow my personal feelings to get in the way. I believe that even Watari felt that way to some extent, and he knew me more completely than anyone, with one glaring exception.

I have no idea why anyone assigned to me that kind of morality. I have done nothing to deserve it. Nothing about my nature suggests that I would do something unselfish. I have given no one reason to believe that I would ever sacrifice someone I loved for an ideal that I only pursued in an attempt to stave off the boredom that was a mind-numbing constant in my life. Why would anyone come to the conclusion, then, that if Light was Kira, and if Light was the one who made my life interesting, that I would happily ship him off to prison to rot- thoroughly uninterestingly? _Especially_ if I loved him.

I believe that people saw me as a martyr, as someone willing to die for what I believed in or, at another extreme, kill the one I loved for what I believed in. In reality, I was ready to die to _not_ have to kill the one I loved, and more content to die than to kill him and go back to that terrible boredom.

I could have proved that Light was Kira. There was a moment when we were talking quietly together, holding each other, that I knew that if I accused him- _asked_ him, really- he would confess. He stared at me, and somewhere in his eyes he was _begging_ me to ask him. He didn't want to lie anymore. He wanted it to be over.

I didn't ask, the moment was lost, and I never got my definitive proof that my lover was also the worst serial killer in history.

And so, I am not Justice. If I ever was, I am not any longer. I am a man, and, especially since meeting Light, I have so many emotions that much of the time I do not even know what to do with them. Perhaps love changed me; perhaps I have always been this way. I can no longer remember. All I know is that the NPA, the President of the United States, and the rest of the world put far too much faith in my objectivity- an objectivity that never existed. It is easy to imprison random criminals whose cases you solve. It is _not_ easy to send to his death the one you love.

I am a liar, a criminal, a hypocrite, and a generally selfish human being.

And _that_ is not Justice.


	98. Fun with Yoga Class

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Romance, humor**

**A/N: And now you'll never think of yoga/Pilates without thinking of Matt and Mello. :D**

**Also, there's a lot of drama in the DN fandom right now. Can we all just... stop? This is such a peaceful site, and we're killing it. :( Anyway, have a **_**happy**_** chapter, to at least partially make up for the madness that makes us all want to curl up into a little ball.**

* * *

In retrospect, the inevitable result of Matt and Mello's attendance to Thursday evening yoga/Pilates class was blindingly obvious.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Mello was nothing if not tense, and yoga was supposedly good for stress relief. Matt, of course, could just use the exercise.

Needless to say, the police were far from amused when they had to get four exceptionally large officers to assist in pulling Mello off of Matt in the middle of the room. The call had come from a concerned and deeply scarred classmate during the Downward-Facing Dog pose.

Reports had Mello on record shouting, "I regret nothing!" as he was led away.

Similar reports had Matt on record as turning red and wriggling back into his spandex yoga pants.


	99. Thought You Knew

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**  
Genre: Fluff, Romance**

**A/N: This was going to be a full-length story, but it was just too unoriginal. :) So it goes here! XD**

* * *

"Dude." Mello jabbed me in the ribs with his elbow. It hurt, but that was the deal: put up with immeasurable amounts of crap, get Mello. It's worth it.

"We have Mrs. Updike first period. She's the stupidest sub _in_ this place."

That perked me up. And I had thought class would be boring that day! "What're we gonna do?"

It was Mello's call, of course. I'd do whatever he said and he knew it. I'm a pretty simple person like that.

Plus, I mean, it's _Mello_. He treats you _so_ good if you obey him, but if you _don't_, he'll shoot you. Literally. He'll shoot you. There are no guns in Wammy's but he would find a way to get a bullet into your vital organs.

Scary, but sexy as hell.

He shrugged. "Let's trade names."

"...Seriously?"

"Sure."

"But that's so..."

"So what?"

"So _tame_."

"I thought you'd like that."

"I do, but..."

"Just don't fuck up my grade for the day," he warned me.

I rolled my eyes. I was smarter than him, and we both knew it. I'm just lazy. So, _so_ lazy. But if it was for Mello, of _course_ I'd pay attention for a day. It was just one day, it wouldn't kill me, probably.

...No, it definitely wouldn't kill me.

Okay, good. So I was gonna pay attention.

"Don't get me in trouble," I countered.

Now _he_ rolled _his _eyes. "You're always in trouble. Guilt by association, because _I'm_ always in trouble."

"Whatever," I grumbled.

"You know you love me," he mocked.

Damn my red hair and fair complexion. I blush like a fucking tomato. It makes it SO hard to lie. Because he said that all the time, and _every_ time I blushed. He wasn't an idiot. At some point he _would_ figure it out, if he hadn't already.

"Well, I love _you_, you hater," he said when I didn't respond.

That one was new. I blushed even more and forced out a laugh. "Homo."

He didn't laugh quite as quickly as I would have liked. When he finally did, he shoved me and chuckled, saying, "Takes one to know one."

"You wish," I said before I could really think about it.

"Every day," he continued lightly, and crossed his legs where he sat on a couch and flipped his hair.

Sometimes I almost thought _he_ was gay. But Mello? Yeah, right.

I glanced around and, seeing no adults or tattletale students, I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. I'd always smoked, but I'd done it in moderation before. Mello has made me into a chain-smoker. Not even lying.

"Really, Matt?" Mello sighed.

And then he did something I really hadn't expected. He stood up, stepped over to me, and straddled my legs on his knees. He sat, and, taking the cigarette out of my mouth, put it between his own lips. I was immediately jealous of that cigarette. He puffed in my face and he looked so damn _pretty_ doing it that I had to forced myself to remain calm. Potential awkward situation. Well, potentially _more_ awkward.

"I know you like me," he informed me.

I froze. "Excuse me?"

"You've been completely in love with me for years."

I opened my mouth but nothing came out, so I closed it.

"I wasn't joking, you know," he went on. "When I say you love me. I knew you did. And I love _you_."

"Why didn't you say this sooner?" I demanded.

A shrug. "Thought you knew."


	100. Code 1179 Blue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

**A/N: Chapter one hundred! And for some reason, multiple people have expressed their sadness that the fic is coming to an end. It's not! I have many, many more stupid ideas! I have a page front and back of written down ideas. Believe me, this isn't over yet, lol. XD**

**Also: ****blueheartfire,**** I'd love to reply to your message, but you've disabled your private messaging feature and I can't respond to you. If you would enable it and message me again, I'd be happy to fangirl with you, as per your request! :D**

**Last chapter of the sheep/butterfly arc. :D**

* * *

"Okay... Ryuuzaki?" Light said uncomfortably. L turned around slowly. Whatever that tone was, it wasn't good. It was... bad.

"Light-kun," he replied carefully.

"Um, so you know how I'm afraid of butterflies and you're afraid of sheep?"

"Yes..." L said cautiously.

"Well... um..."

"Light-kun..."

"It's not what you're thinking!" Light insisted.

L's shoulders relaxed.

"Actually," the younger detective mumbled, "It's probably worse."

"Light-kun! What did you do!?"

"I was... going to bring a sheep here- a real one, I mean- but..."

"But you _didn't_," L said firmly. "You didn't, because you wouldn't do such a thing to me even if you _would_ decorate our room as a sheep corral and even if I _did_ attack you in a butterfly suit, because you love me."

Light laughed awkwardly. "Actually, I kinda did."

"Did _what_, Light-kun?" L asked dangerously.

"...Brought a sheep here."

L tried his absolute hardest and actually managed to prevent himself from going Chuck Norris on Light Yagami's perfect face. "Very well," he said through gritted teeth. "And where is this sheep?"

"See, that's the thing. I kind of... lost it. Somewhere in the building."

Light was expecting L to blow up. He wasn't disappointed.

"YOU LOST THE SHEEP?!" he shrieked, already hooking his cell phone out of his pocket and holding down the first speed dial.

"Watari. We have a code 1179 Blue. I repeat: code 1179 Blue. There is a sheep loose on the premises. You are authorized to use deadly force to restrain it. Should it become violent, do not hesitate to defend yourself!"

Light heard Watari sigh. "Ryuuzaki..."

"This is not a drill!" L shouted into his phone, and then snapped it closed and flipped it around in his hand. With his trembling thumb, he slid the backing off of the cell phone, where the battery went.

Next to the battery was a small red button.

"I never thought I'd have to use this," L said somberly, then pressed the button.

Lights and sirens screamed into life all around the building, along with a rather annoying recording of L's voice calmly saying, '_1179 Blue. This is not a drill. 1179 Blue. This is not a drill'_ on a loop.

L seized Light by the wrist and dragged him through a door that Light had never seen before. It was dark; the only thing Light was sure of was that he was going down lots and lots of stairs, and that it was getting colder and colder.

They walked for what felt like hours, until finally they were in front of a vault door. L turned the lock expertly, mumbling something about how he was glad he had practiced this so many times, and then shoved Light into the panic room, closing the door behind them.

"It is a good thing we were alone in the Building," L said absently.

"...Why..."

L cocked his head and looked at him. "Because it would be unfortunate if there were residents who did not escape the gas."

Light opened his mouth. Light closed his mouth. Then he said, "Ryuuzaki, I'm sorry."

"What for, Light-kun?" L asked cheerfully. "The situation is under control."

"Not that. I mean, I'm sorry about that, too. But isn't this childish? We keep doing this back and forth to each other. It has to stop. I mean, I could have gotten an entire building full of people _killed_ for messing with your phobia."

L slumped a little. "And I suppose that attacking you in a butterfly suit was uncalled for, as well."

"See? We're better than this." He came around to be in front of L and held out a hand. "Truce?"

"Truce," L agreed, and shook.

As if it were a sign of their peacemaking, a peaceful, beautiful butterfly fluttered gently past their hands where their fingers were interlaced and landed on Light's thumb. Light sensed the slight pressure and look down.

He shrieked, waving his arm wildly as the butterfly flew away in terror, and L laughed. "I apologize, Light-kun. I released them all into the Building _before_ we made our truce. I swear."

"Call an exterminator or you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life."


	101. Questions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, awkwardness**

**A/N: I GOT MY BRACES OFF TODAY!!!!**

* * *

"Hey, Mello?"

The blond sighed. That was Matt's I-have-an-awkward-question voice. The last time he had used it, he had been asking him to define 'horny.' The time before that, when they were little, he had been asking where babies came from. And the time before _that..._

But it was better that Matt hear it from _him_, right? At least _Mello_ wouldn't make something up to confuse or embarrass him. "Yeah?" he said warily.

"So... um... sodomy."

Mello raised his eyebrows. "What about it?"

"It's... um... well... how does it work?"

Mello considered being offended that Matt would ask _him_ this question, but, to be fair, it wasn't like it wasn't _obvious_ that Mello knew a thing or two about it. Then it occurred to him. "Wait, Matt. Why? Are you considering it?"

"Um..." Matt said uncomfortably. "No, I'm just... curious."

All right, so Matt was lying. Mello had always been able to see right through him. He smirked. "Whatever, man. Where you choose to put your dick is none of _my_ concern."

Matt blushed a deep red. "Could you just answer the damn question?"

Mello leaned back in his chair, grinning now. "All right. Well, I assume you know the basics?"

"I know anything you can know from reading fanfiction."

"Okay, then... well, what's left to ask? Fanfiction authors tend to go into a lot of detail and there's not much they're afraid to say..."

"Well, I mean, there's one question I have that I've never read anything about, and it's not like I can look it up online without some really weird search results. So... um... I want to know how... number two... isn't a problem."

Mello opened his mouth, then paused. "Um... yeah..."

They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment before Matt mumbled something about internet research and slinked away.


	102. Outing the Death Note Boys 1

**A/N: I bet I can give at least fairly-plausible evidence for why every male in DN is gay, with the exception of Soichiro and Gelus. Submit your challenges: suggest specific characters! Rules concerning this are at the bottom.**

**Each fic will probably be in conversation form between the only two straight guys- Gelus and Soichiro.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. This idea came from a conversation between The iPod Addict (my FF wife) and me. A lot of it IS our actual conversation!**

**Characters: Gelus, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor, crack**

I'll start this out:

* * *

Soichiro and Gelus the shinigami were sitting side by side for a good, valid, and completely logical reason. They tried not to look at each other as Light and L began to kiss passionately behind the corner, thinking they were being subtle but really failing miserably at it.

Gelus said kindly, "This must be uncomfortable for you."

The human nodded. "It is. I always thought Light was straight, especially because he had a huge crush on that pop star Ryuga and still played with his My Little Ponies. I mean, not to stereotype of course, but what's gay about that? But I guess I don't really know my son," he replied sadly.

"Aw, don't worry, Yagami. You and I are the only two straight guys _in_ this fandom."

This seemed to cheer Light's father. "Really?"

"Absolutely!" Gelus encouraged. "Just think about it. Higuchi, Demegawa, Mogi, Aizawa, Matsuda, Mello's Mafia guys, the SPK, Lind L. Taylor..."

Soichiro's mouth fell open. "All of those guys?!"

"Yeah! Come on, don't tell me you don't see it. Higuchi wanted Misa- the bastard- but he never said anything about actually _wanting_ Misa. He just wanted the prestige having a pretty model as a wife would bring him. Demegawa, well, isn't there a yaoi fic about him out there? Mogi, that's not even hard. He's the teddy bear type- big and quiet. Aizawa loves Ide- they spend so much time together. Matsuda? He obviously loved Light! That's why he fell to his knees when he found out Light was Kira. Mello's Mafia guys all got to their ranks by sleeping their way up. Gevanni and the rest of the SPK are all gay; Rester and Gevanni are obviously sneaking around behind Near's back. Lind L. Taylor was in _prison_. And you know about human prisons."

"What about the kid who was outside that store and said his mom was useless and late picking him up? Or that new guy on the police force in the epilogue? Or that guy who replaced Demegawa when Teru killed him?" Soichiro suggested wildly.

But Gelus just rolled his eyes. "The complaining kid is having issues with his mother because he recently came out, and that's why she's late. Actually, she's not even coming to get him, because she can't accept him. He'll end up living on the streets until some nice, older man takes him in. The new guy on the police force in the epilogue? Clearly wants Aizawa, who still wants Ide. Poor Eriko. And Demegawa's replacement was actually Demegawa's lover/cousin- yeah, creepy, I know- who took his job when he died, out of grief."

"That bully who threatened a nerd to get money for the arcade?"

"That was his way of flirting."

"The nerd _getting _threatened?"

"He was sad because he loves the bully and wishes he wouldn't do such things to him."

"...Ukita?!"

"The only way he could be that prissy and emotional was if he were gay."

"The guy on the bus that Light controlled so he could get Raye's name?"

"So gay. But he hated himself for it, because he was raised by homophobes, so he got into drugs and that's why he looks like that."

"What about Armonia Justin, Nu, and Midora? And the shinigami king?" Soichiro asked desperately, flipping through the shinigami section of How to Read.

"Nu and Midora are girls. Armonia Justin? Major shinigami closet case. Not that it matters because shinigami can't have sex, but still. And the king? He made all those sexy male shinigami to surround himself with, and all the females look like _Rem_. And Nu and Midora."

Soichiro stopped, thinking hard, trying to come up with more Death Note boys...

* * *

**Does this sound interesting? :D If so, here are the rules for suggestions:**

**1. It can't be Matt, Mello, Light, L, or Near because that's just too easy.**

**2. The obscurer, the better. They don't even have to have a name.**

**3. The more minor the character, the more creative liberty you're going to have to give me.**

**Don't be offended. I don't **_**actually**_** believe that every DN boy is gay. But goodness, it's just too easy. **


	103. Dude Looks Like a Lady

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Character: Matt, Mello, Near**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"I'm telling you," Near repeated, "if you want to prove that Light is Kira, then this is the best and safest way to do it."

"I'm not fucking doing it!" Mello screamed, snatching the garment out of Near's pale hands and flinging it, hard, at his head. "You're psychologically disturbed!"

"Mello," Matt said patiently, seeming much less stirred by Mello's outburst than Near did, "This _is_ the best way. Light Yagami almost compulsively uses women, and he'll try to seduce and recruit you if we make it convincing enough."

"But why _me_!?" Mello demanded, hands at his waist, his hip thrust out to one side.

Matt looked pointedly at the distinctly-feminine posture.

"...Matt! I'm not fucking wearing that dress!"

Near looked at Matt hopelessly, and Matt switched tactics. Taking a step closer to Mello, he touched him gently at his exposed midriff and whispered in his ear, "Please? _Please_ Mels?"

Mello's shoulders slumped and he grabbed up the dress from where it was tangled with Near's face. As he stormed out of the room to go put it on, he asked, "Why does it have to be so damn _pink_?!"

"It matches your skin tone," Near said solemnly, and Mello could hear Matt choking with laugher as he slammed the door.


	104. That Probably Has Side Effects

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Characters: L, Light**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Forgetting, in his excitement, to see if L was watching, Light crumpled up the little square of Death Note upon which he had just written Higuchi's name. Trying to be casual, he brought it to his mouth and ate it, grinning.

L, sitting right next to him in the helicopter, blinked. "Light-kun... why did you just eat a piece of the Death Note?"

"What? No, I didn't," Light answered quickly. "That was... a gum wrapper."

L tried to figure out how it could possibly have taken him this long to prove that Light was Kira.

"Light, I just _saw_ you write Higuchi's name, then he died. Then you ate the evidence. The question is not, 'are you Kira?' the question is, 'do you really think that there will be no physical consequence to ingesting a piece of a magical murder notebook?'"

Light blinked back at him. "You're right," he said worriedly. "I probably could have found a better way to destroy that."

For a long moment, they just stared at each other.

"So I'm going to take you to the hospital now."

"Yes, please."


	105. Baking

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Light was very, very good at many, many things. He could program a computer more quickly than most people could get one open. He could seduce any passerby of any age, race, or sexuality. He spoke four languages fluently, and knew conversational amounts of five others. Yes, Light was good at many things.

Unfortunately, baking was not one of them, Light realized as his fourth cake in a row burst into flame for no apparent reason. Light sighed at the tragic death of logic as he smothered the cake with his apron-clad torso: he wasn't anywhere near fire.

He considered briefly just giving up. In most cases, a Japanese man could easily go his whole life without ever _needing_ to bake something.

Most Japanese men, however, were not sleeping with The Great and Powerful L, for whom baking was pretty much a mandatory quality in anyone who intended to spend any extended amount of time around him. His lover was no exception, and Light was smart enough to know this. And, as he wished to _continue_ sleeping with The Great and Powerful L, Light Yagami knew he needed to learn how to bake, and soon.

So Light had signed up for a baking class with Miss Schweda, the owner of the local bakery. Sadly, Miss Schweda had been lost in the fire from the third cake-combustion incident.

Light was not deterred. This was _L_ we were talking about here, and he'd go though as many cooking instructors as he had to.

After all, it was only a matter of time until he _accidentally_ got one right. The law of chance demanded it.


	106. Outing the Death Note Boys 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Soichiro, Gelus**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Sorry about the removal and repost. I forgot the heading and the disclaimer. XD**

* * *

"Wait!" Soichiro exploded. "What about Raye Penber? He was getting _married_!"

But Gelus just shook his head wisely. "He's a six on the scale, Yagami. He's just never been able to accept it. That's why he wants Naomi to quit and stay home from the FBI- he feels insecure if there's a strong woman in the house. That's also why he's such a jerk to her. He feels like he has to dominate her to prove his manliness."

"That one makes sense. What about that first guy Light killed? The guy who was holding the little kids and the teacher hostage? Or the second guy that he killed that tried to rape that girl? Or the rest of the guys in his motorcycle gang?"

"The first guy that Light killed, Kurou Otoharada, was clearly holding the kids and teachers hostage to get his gay lover to come back to him, because the teacher was his ex-wife, who he was still friends with. And the biker dude wanted to rape that girl to try to prove to his gang that he wasn't gay, so that they would all stop hitting on him, since THEY were all gay, clearly. Did you see their pants?"

"Okay, just no. Not _everyone _can be gay. Ryuk?!"

"He loves Light, obviously. That's the real reason he never killed anyone to help Light- because _he_ would have died, because he loved him."

"So _that's_ how you kill a shinigami."

"...No it's not. What are you talking about? You're stupid."

"Sidoh?"

"You heard his voice."

"The Old Person Kira?"

"..._Who_?" Gelus demanded.

"The guy in the bonus chapter who gets a Death Note and kills old people and anyone who wants to die."

"Oh! Well, he started out killing old people, not out of mercy like he thought, but, subconsciously, out of hatred of old people. He was raised by his great aunt and great uncle, who beat him because they caught him kissing a guy when he was thirteen."

"The three cops that quit initially because they didn't want to be killed by Kira?"

"They weren't afraid for their own lives, they were afraid for each _other's_ lives. They all went up together, all at once, as a form of moral support. They have a very confusing but fulfilling threesome relationship going on."

"Rod Ross."

"That's one of the Mafia boys, but, well, him specifically? You've seen his outfit. Who walks around shirtless like that in a roomful of men, unless they want the men? Plus, with _Mello_ walking around... well, who _wouldn't_ want to strip naked?"

"Well... Watari couldn't have been gay!"

"He grew up with Roger Ruvie from the time they were four. They were in the same orphanage, and they were each other's first- and last- loves. Roger was the only one who believed in Watari's dream of building Wammy's."

"Those boys who were watching Light play tennis?"

"How many straight guys would see L and Light and _come over to them_ to watch them play? Anyway, they were there together on a date, so..."

"The guy in the anime who said he wouldn't mind grabbing Misa's butt?"

"He was there with this girlfriend he hates. He thought that by acting like a dick and saying something like that, she might dump him, leaving him free to pursue guys."

"A?"

"He was in love with L. That's why he worked so hard to be him, not because he really wanted to be _L_."

"Beyond Birthday?"

"Have you read Beautiful Disaster? Honestly. Don't make me go through that again. He was totally gay for C. But, I guess, if you want to keep canon, he had the hots for L, too."

Again, Soichiro had to pause to think of more characters.

* * *

**A/N: There are more, I just didn't want to put them all in one chapter, so I haven't forgotten the others you suggested that aren't here yet.**


	107. Confession

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Light**

**A/N: First fanfic typed and posted on my BRAND NEW laptop! :DDD Forgive any formatting errors as I try to adjust to Windows 7. :) ...And to using a laptop as opposed to a desktop computer.**

Light sat nervously in the confessional booth, awkwardly fiddling his thumbs. He examined his shoes, inwardly cursing Mello for being so damn convincing and converting him to Catholicism. That whole 'eternal salvation' and 'dying for our sins' stuff was just too tempting, and Light had decided that Heaven sounded a Hell of a lot better than Mu.

And so there he was.

He almost twitched with anxiety when the priest slid into the other side of the booth. Light tried and failed to see through the screen between them. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he said awkwardly.

Light couldn't see it, but the priest relaxed. He could tell from the voice that the person on the other side was a young adult. He'd probably just say something lust-related, or maybe he cheated on a test. The priest kind of dreaded the confessions of older people- sometimes they were terrible, and he would have to deal with the guilt and hurt he could hear in their voice.

Of course, it always felt good to tell the person that God had already forgiven them, the moment they apologized…

Needless to say, the poor man nearly had a heart attack when Light began to list every single person he had ever killed, by name.

"…Aiber, Wedy, all of the Yotsuba group, L, President Hoope, Demegawa…"

"Uh… um…" Father cleared his throat. "Well, um…"

"Oh, and the sodomy and the lying."

Father was going to need backup.


	108. Outing the Death Note Boys 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**  
Characters: Gelus, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: At some point, they're going to start repeating. I'm trying not to, but there are a LOT of characters.**

* * *

"David Hoope," Soichiro said triumphantly. "Or Hope, depending on your translation. The President of the United States."

"He passed a bill legalizing gay marriage."

"Oh. Um... Mikami?"

"Come on, that's too easy. How could he possibly be that obsessed with Light without being completely in love with him? The man walked around calling him _god_!"

"Aiber! He had a wife and kid!"

"He became a conman after his first love- the gay-looking blond guy on the train in the third movie- kicked him out. They had been living together, but the blond guy kicked him out and he was left with nothing. He had to resort to conning to get by. Unfortunately, during one of his cons, he knocked a woman up and married her. She was rich, so he was pretty much willing, despite the fact that to this day he has to think about the blond guy to get it up for his wife..."

"That's so sad."

"I know, it really is tragic. These boys all have had such hard lives."

"Even Namikawa?"

"Yep. He has the gayest hair in the entire series, and that's _seriously_ saying something."

"You seem really determined to prove that every guy in Death Note, except for us, is into guys."

"That's because they are."

"Well, what about that guy at shop who dies as example for Raye?"

"Light said he raped several women. What he left out is that he raped several men, as well."

"What about the guy Mello held hostage?"

"He loved every second of it. Again: _Mello_."

"Misa's stalker? Don't tell me Misa was actually a guy..."

"No! No way. No, Misa's stalker only wanted to cut her up to bring her home to his lover. He was a serial killer, too, and they planned to eat her together for their two-year anniversary."

"The police officers who shot Matt?" Soichiro was grasping at straws.

"The reason they overreacted and shot him to death was because they were too distracted by Matt's sexiness to form coherent thoughts. Actually, it was just one guy who _started_ firing. The rest of them were dreaming about taking Matt hostage and torturing him for information in a kinky way. But when the first guy fired, it was like 'the shot heard around the world,' and everyone else just fired as a reflex."

"The administrator at the To-Oh entrance exam who told L to 'please sit normally?'"

"The reason he wanted L to sit normally was because he was getting turned on by the weird way L sits. Hard to blame him. Pun gleefully intended."

"The bus driver!"

"He was a kept man- do you know what those are? No, you're probably too straight-laced. Okay, he was the pretty boyfriend of some rich, older man. Usually, these kept men just stay at home and exercise and cook. Their job is to be a pet, and in return they get a life of luxury. So yeah, the bus driver just took up a job with his 'master's' permission, to kill some of his free time."

"Do you remember the blond murderer guy from the first movie? And his accomplices? The ones Light followed to the bar. What about them?"

"That was a gay bar."

Soichiro sighed. This was going to take all night.

* * *

**A/N: Still have more from suggestions. Again, just want to break them apart a bit.**


	109. Outing the Death Note Boys 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Gelus, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: It's exhausting trying to remember who all these characters are. Honestly, I officially accuse some of you people of going through the books and finding the most obscure characters you could find. XD That's what I asked for, though, so I can't complain. :D**

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Soichiro and Gelus had agreed to take a day off from outing all the Death Note boys. When the regrouped the next day, it was with a renewed determination- Soichiro determined to find a straight guy, Gelus determined to prove, once and for all, that they were the only ones.

"Light's teacher in the first episode," Soichiro challenged.

"He was in an advanced, all-boys school, and he was an English Literature major. There just aren't a lot of straight male English Literature majors who teach at advanced high schools or colleges. That, and he was sleeping with one of his ex-students, who graduated a number of years ago. Also known as... ready...? Masahiko Kida, the Yotsuba guy who collects eyeglasses, who is thirty-two years old and graduated from To-Oh. He went to Light's school for high school and had Light's teacher, then he went to To-Oh because it was close. Then he hooked up with Light's teacher."

"The kid who was playing a video game under his desk in class?"

"That was a hentai yaoi game. God bless Japan."

"That guy who, during the Pro-Kira/Anti-Kira debate on Sakura TV, walked into the screen because he was controlled by the Death Note so Mikami could see all the people who were against Kira and kill them?"

"He was at the debate with his lover, which was especially tragic since his lover was the first one to die, and the guy had just enough life left in him to see it happen."

"Kira's a dick. What about Hatori?"

"The other Yotsuba guy? The illegitimate son of the current Yotsuba President, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, his father had a string of affairs and not all of them were women, if you know what I'm getting at. Hatori grew up with a full knowledge of this and although his mother resented his father, he loved him. Thing is, when he was nineteen, he loved one of his father's male lovers _differently_. His father could never accept it and that's why he has never claimed Hatori as his son, leaving him with no real place in the business except the place he earned, much to his father's chagrin. And he's into ceramics, which is just begging for a gay joke."

"He's married."

"The woman he married is the ex-wife of his father's ex-lover with whom he had an affair. She decided to change teams after such a bad experience with her husband, but since she was a prominent businesswoman as well, she needed to have a family to present. Hatori was heartbroken that his father's lover left him for yet _another _man, and married her also for appearances. They have two children and are great friends, but they never sleep with each other unless it's to make more children."

"Damn that's complicated."

"Isn't it? And I suppose you're going to ask about Takeshi Ooi next."

"Yep."

"Well, his profile says he's a weapons enthusiast. He's also forty-three and single, and ugly as sin. The reason he's so into weapons is because he grew up in a small town where homosexuality was not at all acceptable, so he had to learn to defend himself. There were at least three serious threats to his life, but once he became known as 'that gun-fanatic fag who lives down the street' everyone stopped messing with him for fear of being shot. When he got out of that place, the fondness for guns just stuck."

"Shingo Mido?"

"Pretty hair, pretty face, clean, nice-smelling, suits... _fencing..._ Let's just say that he didn't get into fencing for the love of the sport, but because he wanted to tell perspective boyfriend he 'knew how to fence.'"

"Takahashi?"

"He likes surfing just because of all the guys in swim trunks. He's married, but technically he's only married in Canada, and his child is adopted."

"Suguru Shimura?"

"I'm telling you, _every_ Yotsuba guy is gay. Shimura was a rugby star, raised by a single mother who supported him as best she could on her minimum-wage job. To get by, he sold himself on the streets. After a while and a few female clients, he figured out that he really _was_, coincidentally, into guys."

"The NPA Deputy Director, Kitamura!"

"He joined the police force because he likes men in uniform."

"X?"

"How do you even know about him? All right, well, he was into Y, who was into Z, who was into X. It was quite the love triangle, and sadly they all killed themselves."

"The kid leaning on the wall in the flashback who looks like BB in the manga and Matt in the anime? Or is it the other way around?"

"In the version where he was Matt, he loved Mello. In the version where he was BB, he loved L. It's all very complicated and actually it has a lot to do with dissociative identity disorder, but, long story short, Mello and L. Homosexuality was really the only thing his personalities ever agreed on."

Soichiro groaned and rubbed his head. "Let's go out to breakfast."

"Won't it look a little weird for you to be sitting alone at a table and talking to thin air?"

"Probably, but I have every right to go insane since, in this series, my son is Kira, my daughter gets Posttraumatic Stress, and I'm murdered."

Gelus shrugged. "Whatever. Make sure to order me a coffee."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: AND THERE'S STILL MORE. XD Not lying.**


	110. Love is Love

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, (Matt)**

**Genre: Religion, romance**

**A/N: You don't have to agree or disagree with this; this is just Mello thinking. Also, I AM NOT bashing anyone's beliefs here.**

If you think it's not hard to be gay _and_ Catholic, then you've been walking around with your eyes shut.

It's not that they won't let me walk into a Church. It's not that they kick me out of places or look at me any more strangely than anyone else does as I traipse around in my leather. It's not the Catholic _people_ that give me a problem with... well... existing. It's not even the faith.

It's the theology. And not just Catholic, either, but _any _religion that says that what I do with the one I love is a sin. It scares the hell out of me. Or, you know, _into_ me. I don't scare easily, but there has always been one thing that keeps me awake at night and, when it doesn't, gives me nightmares. I'm _damn_ afraid of going to Hell.

I've done a lot of things a whole lot worse than gay sex, so it's over for me anyway. The list starts with murder and gets uglier from there. I accept that I'm doomed.

But as for the sex... Matt's the only one. I've never even _looked_ at anyone else, let alone slept with them. How can it be that the purest, most beautiful part of my existence is a sin? How can it be that the one person who _keeps _me believing in God is the person that will drag me down to Hell? When loving him and being with him is the reason that I've gone clean from everything else, the reason I've repented and found my faith again after so long?

And worse, am I dragging Matt down with me? Is he damned just because I love him? Just because he has the compassion, the gentleness, the grace, to love a sinner like me?

We were created in God's image. When I was little, I remember a priest saying during a sermon that that image was not some biped with teeth and hands and hair. That it was love. That God is love, and we are created in God's image, with His immortal and unconditional love.

I don't believe that God hates gays. Not for a second. Even if it really _is_ a sin to take it up the ass, I don't accept that it nullifies God's love for us. It's pretentious to believe that anything ever _could_ take away His love. To apply mankind's naturally variable emotions to God.

If God is love and we are made in God's image, then by the transitive property we are love. And if that's true, which I believe with all of my soul, then... I mean... how could love ever, _ever_ be a sin?

And more importantly, at least to me, I have to wonder: how could the only Good part of my entire life be just another one?


	111. He Cares

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Romance, angst**

**Characters: Mello, (Matt)**

**A/N: Not running out of ideas, just getting distracted by original fiction writing. :)**

I don't always treat myself as well as I should. I mean, I don't smoke like Matt and I quit doing drugs a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I'm into health and clean living now. In fact, I think the only thing I do regularly is bathe.

The basic truth, the underlying cause, is that I work much, much too hard. Being a workaholic is one thing, but going _days_ without sleeping or eating anything outside of chocolate is not normal behavior. And I do it. A lot. I stay awake until I start hallucinating too much to work, and then I crash for about 30 hours. I may or may not eat during that time, but there will definitely be chocolate.

I'm amazed that I'm still alive. The human body is remarkably resilient, even when the mind inside it is fucked up beyond belief.

I'm also amazed that Matt has never noticed. Of course, I make sure to hide the damage I'm doing to myself from Matt. Because, seriously. What would Matt do if he knew I'm trying to die?

I'm not suicidal, per say. I'm not gonna shoot myself or jump off something tall. I don't want to _kill_ myself.

I'm just... it would just be okay with me if I were to die. That's all.

But Matt wouldn't see it that way, which is why I go through all the effort.

He cares about me a hell of a lot more than I care about myself.


	112. Passionless Existence

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: Matt (Mello)**

Let me tell you: a passionless existence sucks. When you have likes and dislikes, and people you care about and who care about you, but when you have no passion? When you can, for example, play video games for hours on end, every day, to the point where you feel like an addict in withdrawal if you don't, but still feel... nothing? Even when you win, feeling nothing beyond mild satisfaction?

I remember when I loved video games. When they hadn't yet become just 'what Matt does.' When I would get excited at the very _thought_ of them. Now... nothing stronger than a passing sense of pleasure. Overjustification's a bitch. I overdid it, and now it's empty. Smoking was like that, too.

Which is why, for me, it's so important to have Mello.

I never get tired of him, because there's nothing to get tired of. He changes too fast. I can never wear out how I feel about him. He is simply too unpredictable and full of life for me to ever finish with him. He makes me _feel_ when nothing else can, for long.

He's also the only thing I'd never be able to replace. Yes, because he is a human as opposed to a mass-produced video game, but specifically because he is the one I love.

I'll- quite simply- never love anyone else.

I know that sounds really lovey-dovey, but it's more like a statement of fact. I simply do not have the emotional capacity to ever love someone else, after having loved him, and for so _long_. I mean, I've _always_ loved him. Can you imagine the emotional, physical, and psychological effort it would take to replace that?

Also... since, you know, I could never love someone unless they were exactly like Mello, and since no one in this world or any other _is_ like Mello...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if he died. My throat always closes up when I let my mind go that way, so I usually switch it to 'what if he left me?'

It's silly to wonder, though, since I know exactly what I would do. Or, and I suppose more accurately, what would happen.

Nothing.

My life would get significantly calmer. My stuff would be significantly less thrown into walls. I would be able to sleep without something thrashing around next to me. And there would be no point.

But nothing would happen. I would still function just fine.

It would all just be as empty as my cigarettes and my games. Because Mello... he's amazing like that. He's fire.

On the days when I _really_ hate myself, I wonder what it would be like, not if he died, not if he left me, but if I somehow found out that the last sixteen years... the friendship starting at age five, to the best friendship, to the boyfriends, to the lovers, to the partners... were all a lie.

_That_, I don't know what I would do.

Mello is the only part of me that I can't predict. Sometimes I actually get mad at him, a novelty to me as someone who never feels strong emotions. You have no idea what... I can't begin to describe what it's like to _feel_ like that, when everything else is blank.

I'm terrible at controlling my emotions, because I'm so unused to them. When I'm scared, I tremble. When I find something funny, I laugh too loudly. When I hurt, I cry. When I get mad, I attack.

Never him, of course. Never Mello. I'd never hit _him_.

But when someone screws with him?

It's not like he can't take care of himself. I know that. But like an attack dog, if someone comes at him, even if my master has a gun and can perfectly well defend himself, I'll go after the attacker. He calls me a puppy all the time, and I don't think he knows just how true it really is.

Mello doesn't know that I'm like this, which makes sense because I'm never like this _around_ him. He knows how much he matters to me, but he doesn't- can't- understand that nothing _else_ matters to me. He's never been indifferent towards something in his entire life, how _could_ he understand? He thinks my games mean something to me, just based on the fact that I play them all the time. He thinks I get some kind of addict's pleasure out of smoking.

I wonder if he'd really _want_ to know the truth.

That's quite a weight to bear- being someone's reason for living.


	113. Superglue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I got this idea from Axcent. :D AND, I just went to ACEN, and it was awesome. Highly awesome.**

"I'm becoming convinced that you're truly retarded," Matt growled, tugging on his hand.

"Look, it was an accident," Mello snapped. "An _accident_. A _mistake_. Us mortals _make_ those occasionally."

"No, this isn't a mistake, this is a catastrophe of epic proportions. You have somehow managed to superglue our hands. Both of them. And not even hand to hand. Oh no. _You_ take idiocy to a new level. You, _somehow_, have managed to glue one of your hands to my ass cheek, the other over my face, and both of _my_ hands to your crotch. That, Mihael Keehl, is skill."

And really, there was no way Mello could respond do that.


	114. Upholstery

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Watari (Light, L)**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: As of today, I have been on this site for six years. That's both depressing and awesome, lol. XD**

Watari was walking through the tower on his usual rounds, at three in the morning. He slept about as much as L did so it wasn't a problem to be awake at that time, although he got less credit for it because, as he was old, he had more experience hiding exhaustion. Only L knew that Watari was always awake when _he_ was.

Something caught his eye and he stopped dead in his tracks.

He groaned. Not _again_.

In all honesty, he supported L and Light's relationship. Truly, he did. He was no homophobe, what with his history with Roger. He didn't even mind the investigator/suspect thing, or the age difference, because he knew that the two boys were brilliant enough to transcend it. Kira would still try to kill L, as he should. L would still try to capture Kira, as _he_ should. And the whole time, Ryuuzaki and Light could be together.

Watari just wished they would stop being so... _creative_... about the places they exercised their relationship.

He was really tired of replacing the upholstery of that chair.


	115. Ninety One Percent

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death note.**

**Characters: Light, Misa**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This is an actual statistic. :D Don't ask me why Misa knows a statistic...**

Misa watched emotionlessly as Light pulled the car over, brought out the Death Note, and wrote a name.

"What'd he do, Light?" she asked as the car next to them burst into flames and screeched wildly away.

"He was picking his nose. It's disgusting. There is no place for him in my new world. Luckily, he had his name tattooed to his neck where I could see it."

"Light, ninety-one percent of people pick their nose."

Light's eyes narrowed as he stared straight ahead, pulling back onto the road. "Then ninety-one percent of the world's population must die."


	116. Supersaturation

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

I was bored, and when I'm bored, I get a little bit odd, at least for me.

After all, that is absolutely the only way in holy Hell that I would be fiddling with anything Ryuuzaki had ever touched. The germs. I could only shudder at my own actions as I picked up his teacup.

_L's teacup_ was actually in my hands. L's unhygienic _lips_ had been on this thing, and I doubted that he ever washed it until Watari stepped in and forced him to. The tea was cold; I could only imagine how long it had been sitting there.

I heard him start to come back into the room, so I quickly put the cup down. Only moments later, he slouched into the room and curled up on his chair as usual. How he could do that on a swivel chair was beyond me.

He picked up the teacup.

"It's cold," I warned him idly.

"I know," L replied, and took a sip.

My brain screeched to a stop. Cold tea. Urgh. L seemed unphased, though, even content, which simply didn't make sense to me.

"You just drank cold tea," I informed him.

"Yes," L confirmed without looking up from his computer.

"...And you're okay with that."

"Yes. In fact, I prefer it that way."

"How the hell could you _prefer_ cold tea?" I demanded.

"Supersaturation."

"...Excuse me?"

"Light-kun," he said scoldingly, "you know what supersaturation is."

"Yeah," I snapped, "but I have no idea how it applies to your tea."

"When water is hot, it is more soluble. When my tea is hot, I add sugar until it will no longer dissolve, then I let it cool. The water retains the sugar even though it is cold and would not normally be able to contain that amount of a solute."

"Why do that, though? It would taste the same. There's not actually _more_ sugar in it."

L shrugged. "I just like the idea of supersaturated tea. It is fully a placebo effect."

I sighed. "I'm never going to figure you out."

He took another sip of his tea. "No one ever has."


	117. Fish Kira

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, fish**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This idea came from my lovely fanfiction wife, The iPod Addict. Quite a while ago, lol. XD**

"NO!" L snatched the Death Note out of Light's hands, tossing it straight into the ocean. Light shrieked and tried to dive in after it, but L caught him around the middle, preventing him.

Two months later, every single fisherman in the world had died of a heart attack.


	118. Maiden Name

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Light**

**Genre: Questions about the Death Note.**

**A/N: This is a question I have about the Death Note. Problem is, the only married woman in DN that we really see is Sachiko, and we never see her name above her head.**

L put his thumb to his lip, tilting his head. "Light-kun, you have an understanding of the Death Note."

Light nodded.

"We have already explored the question of whether or not it is possible to kill a pregnant woman with the Death Note. The results were inconclusive and succeeded only in bringing up the 'when does life begin' debate most commonly found in discussions of abortion. Light-kun, when you are trying to kill a married woman, do you need her married name or her maiden name? If you have the Eyes you see the name you need to kill the person, but which would you see?"

Light grinned. "Marry me, make the trade for the Eyes, and find out."


	119. Acne

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor  
**

"Light-kun?" L said, honest confusion in his voice. He reached out to brush something off of Light's face, but it didn't come off. "What... _is_ that on your face?"

Puzzled, Light fished his compact mirror out of his back pocket, expertly flipping it open and checking where L had brushed.

He stared.

No.

It was impossible.

L stared in confusion and fascination as Light burst into tears and, dropping his compact mirror, and ran from the room.

The genius detective calmly removed his cell phone from his pocket and called Watari. "Watari, please help me find Light-kun. He seems to have had some sort of emotional breakdown, and I cannot help but be at least mildly concerned."

"No need, Ryuuzaki- I can see him right now."

"Where are you?"

"On the roof."

L ran to the stairs that led to the roof as quickly as his legs would carry him. He exploded out of the door, only to find Light standing on the very edge of the rooftop, looking down.

"Light... why are you on the roof?" L asked carefully.

"Because I'm going to jump," Light replied flatly.

"Why?"

Light turned around, tears flinging from his eyes dramatically. "Can't you guess?" he cried.

"Look..." L said, walking closer to Light, slowly, holding up his palms. "Light, you don't have to do this. I know you killed a lot of people, but this isn't how you should make up for it."

"What?" Light demanded. "How could you be thinking about Kira at a time like this!"

L blinked. "Then why are you-"

"It's a pimple!" Light shrieked as if that justified considering flinging oneself from a rooftop. "I have a damned pimple! Right there on my face! My _face_, Ryuuzaki!"

L just stared at him. "A pimple."

Light burst into tears again and turned back towards the edge of the building. "Yes," he mumbled, hanging his head. "A pimple."

L shook his head and opened his mouth, but even he couldn't come up with something to say to that.


	120. Heatwave

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

**A/N: I posted this on MB originally as a comment fic for Guns and Games with the prompt 'heatwave.' :D I changed a few words and fixed a typo.**

Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a _huge_ fan of the heat wave that was currently wiping out all activity in LA. Seriously. I even 'became a fan' on Facebook of "The LA Summer Heat Wave of 2010." That's how much I like it. And while everyone else in this city is miserable, I'm walking around completely blissed out.

Because I live with Mello.

See, we have no air conditioning in our shit apartment and we can't afford a fan, so it's just as hot in here as it is out there, except there's no breeze so really it's even _hotter_. Fantastically, wonderfully, beautifully hotter. Yes, I'm boiling. Yes, there's a good chance that I will die of heat stroke. Yes, I have had to stop playing games because my hands were sweating too much.

But none of that matters. None of it.

Because Mello, he _hates_ the heat. He'll do anything to cool down. He also doesn't have that 'shame' gland in his brain that everyone else has.

So he just walks around the apartment stark naked, and to him it's not even a problem.

It's excellent.

Naked Mello almost makes me believe in God. That's how good it is. Naked Mello creeps around the apartment like a panther, his wiry muscles moving under his skin, drops of perfect sweat rolling off of him and leaving little tracks of wetness. Naked Mello lays sprawled out on the floor on his back, panting softly, desperately trying to cool down. Naked Mello constantly runs his hands through his sweat-damp hair, leaving it sticking out in every direction, exactly how it looks after sex. Naked Mello constantly eats popsicles, looking at me out of the corner of his eye and making sure the motions are very, very familiar to what he sometimes does to _me_, licking melted juice off his sticky fingers...

So yes, summer is good.

And that is why I make damn sure we never have enough money to afford a fan.


	121. Little Known Rule of the Death Note

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Still. Sigh.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I love this image. XD**

* * *

Light, shaving his legs in the bath, was flipping through the Death Note, perusing with a sense of pride the names he had written. There were so many of them. He truly was a genius to be able to get away with so much. A manly, manly genius.

As he shifted to shave the fair hairs of a hard-to-reach part of the back of his knee, the Death Note slipped out of his hands. Directly into his strawberry-scented bubble bath.

Instantly, Light dropped dead.

_The Death Note- How to Use It: If the Death Note is made unusable under absurdly gay circumstances, the Human who destroyed it shall die._


	122. Spock

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Star Trek.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This isn't going to be funny to you unless you know something about Star Trek. :) I've been getting into Spock/Kirk again lately... it's nice, lol. Also, it's hard for me to type 'Kirk' without accidentally typing 'Kira.' Lol, too much time in the DN fandom. :D**

**

* * *

**

"Light-kun," L frowned, curiously watching Light where he sat, watching a scary movie online.

"Huh? Yes?" he replied distractedly. "No! Get out of the shed! He'll corner you!"

"Light-kun, why do you so persistently shout advice to the characters on-screen?"

"Because they're being idiots," Light supplied promptly.

"But it is illogical. You know perfectly well that they cannot hear you."

Light rolled his eyes, focus still largely on the screen. "Yes, Commander Spock, I understand that it's illogical."

"And yet you continue to do it."

"It's fun," Light shrugged before jumping a bit in his seat and berating the female lead for her classic stupid behavior. "And wear a bra!" he demanded.

It was silent for a moment until Light sighed and said, "Yes, Ryuuzaki, you can say it."

L smiled a bit to himself, then said in his best monotone, "Fascinating."


	123. Noel

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Matsuda**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Merry Christmas! Yes, I know it's July. What's your point? Have you seen/read A Christmas Carol? Then you know to keep the spirit of Christmas with you ALL THROUGH THE YEAR or you'll be haunted by a total of four ghosts, if we include Jacob! Yep. What? No, I haven't seen A Christmas Carol over seventy-five times! What are you talking about?**

* * *

It was Christmas in the Investigation building, and Matsuda intended to make damn sure that everyone knew it.

For the first six days- the festivities started promptly on December first- the thoroughly haggard members of the Task Force were able to put up with it.

By day seven, things were getting a little tense.

By the eighth, Mogi and Aizawa had begun to plot Matsuda's unfortunate demise.

And by December ninth, everyone in the Task Force had been dressed in festive sweaters (even Light, who drew the short stick and got the demon-Santa sweater), stuffed with nauseating amounts of burnt Christmas cookies and eggnog, and could recite every word of A Muppets Christmas Carol- even Soichiro, who initially knew only a few words of English.

Surprisingly, it was not Light, with his sweater, who cracked first. It was not even the temperamental Aizawa.

It was L.

Matsuda had made the mistake of attempting to go caroling- to L- while they were all working.

"Noooooooooel, Nooooel, Nooooooel, No-"

No one seemed overly upset when L kicked Matsuda so hard in the head that he went down and didn't get back up for a while.

"I do not like that song," L grumbled. "I do not find it festive to suggest my demise. There is not, in fact, 'No L.'"

* * *

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


	124. tlhIngan

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, Fluff**

**A/N: And yes, this is all legit... well, you'll see what language at the end. And this idea came from xGaaraPSHAWx a LONG time ago. **

**Microsoft Word just about had a seizure when I typed in this language...**

* * *

"Wov-kun..." L said in the voice that Light _knew_ meant trouble. Well... the _good_ kind of trouble.

Knowing that 'Wov' was his name, Light gulped a little despite himself and replied, "Um... yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"HlghoS." A guttural sound, punctuated by short syllables, suddenly came from his lover, and if Light didn't know what it was, he would have been _very_ alarmed.

"Luq," he replied weakly, following L's command to come to him.

"BlleSnlS."

Light didn't know any more of the language, but he _did_ know that something about the way L spoke it was making his pants mysteriously tight in the front.

"ToH! QaStaHvlS wa'ram loS SaD Hugh SljlaH qetbogh loD."

"I am so in love with you right now," Light said bluntly.

L, finally switching back to Japanese, grinned and said, "And Roger always led me to believe that Klingon would never be useful."


	125. Bad News

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Light-kun, I do not know how to say this delicately..."

Light closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Ryuuzaki... is it better or worse than the time you nearly gassed everyone in the building because of a sheep?"

L thought quietly for a moment. "Worse," he said finally.

"I don't want to know!" Light shrieked, covering his ears with both hands to block out his lover.

"Light-kun..."

"No! Don't tell me!"

"Light-kun!"

"Shut up!"

"Light-kun, this is very much something that you need to know."

"Lalalalala!"

"Light-kun, I am pregnant!"

Light actually went silent for five consecutive seconds- proof of God. Finally, he said, "...Seriously?"

"No."

Light let out a sigh of relief and leaned back in his chair. "You scared the shit out of me," he informed him.

"Light-kun," L scolded, "it is definitely not possible for me to become pregnant. I have no uterus and no ovum, nor a vagina or-"

"Yes, Ryuuzaki, I understand the difference between boys and girls," Light snapped. "Now. What do you have to tell me that's _so_ bad you had to soften the blow by nearly giving me a heart attack?" All things considered, bringing up 'heart attack' was probably bad form, but L didn't seem to notice.

"Ah, yes. Well, you see, I seem to have spent all of the money in one of my accounts. Eraldo Coil's account, to be specific," he said pleasantly.

For a long moment, Light just stared at him. "You spent... millions of dollars."

"Correct."

"How the _hell_ did you manage to spend millions of dollars?"

L shrugged a little awkwardly. "I made some poor investments."

Rubbing his temples, the younger male asked, "What does Watari say about this?"

"Therein lies the problem. He mustn't find out. You see, the accounts are technically kept by him to prevent just such a thing as this from happening."

"...You broke into your money and invested in something candy-related, didn't you."

The detective shifted. "...Possibly."

"You're an idiot."

Ignoring that in light of the situation, L continued, "So now I must find a way to replace 42.3 million dollars by the time Watari gets a report from the bank. I would prefer the method to be legal but at this point I am open to suggestion."

"...Why can't you ever do things normally?" the brunette demanded. "This wouldn't _happen_ to most people."

"I am fully aware of social norms, I just choose to ignore them."

"And invest millions of dollars into a candy company!"

"It's a disorder, Light-kun!"

"Great! Just what you need! Another disorder!"

"Sugar addiction is a very serious thing!"

"Just shut the hell up and let me think of a plan to save your ass!"

L instantly quieted himself, looking like a dismayed panda. _Whatever a dismayed panda looks like_, Light thought.

After a few long minutes of them sitting and staring at each other, they came to the same conclusion at the same time. Recognizing the spark of an idea in each other's eyes, they both groaned.

"We're going to have to," Light confirmed aloud.

"Light-kun, that is a terrible solution, not only will it expose our faces to Kira, it is very embarrassing and-"

"Who are you more afraid of?" Light interrupted. "Kira? Or Watari?"

Without a word, L stood up to go fetch and sell for money the bedroom security camera tapes of him and Light showering, sleeping, and... doing other things together.

Unsurprisingly, they made the 42.3 million dollars back with time to spare.


	126. L, Did You Know? Cats Love Apples

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, Romance maybe**

**A/N: So... pointless... XD**

* * *

"What?" L asked innocently as Light gaped at him.

"I can't believe that just came out of your _mouth,_" Light managed.

"Would you like to hear it again?" Suddenly L's voice wasn't so innocent and Light felt it for sure in his pants.

"Uh... ah... I... an..."

"What seems to be the matter, Light-kun? Shinigami got your tongue?"


	127. Rejected Rules

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: The Shinigami King**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Really absurd, but I thought they were funny. My friends and I came up with these and... XD We were laughing hard. If it at least makes you smile, then I'm happy. :) Most of them came from Miharu is Haruka's Love Child.**

* * *

The Shinigami King was about five minutes from beating his head against the nearest boulder.

He was lonely, and bored. He had this whole Shinigami Realm to himself, but nothing to do and no one to talk to but the aforementioned boulders, which were thoroughly unresponsive even after all these centuries of pleading. All he could do was watch humans day in and day out... walking around, eating, sleeping, dying... very, very dully.

It occurred to him to create a pastime. Something to do with the humans would be nice. Maybe... he could kill them! Yeah, that would be fun!

But how, was the question. Some kind of action... maybe... writing? On what?

_The human whose name is written on this... ostrich... shall die._

No, ostriches were stupid. They were always putting their head in the ground, which would decrease the space available for writing. A notebook would be much more convenient and easier to keep on his person.

Enthused by his progress, he realized that the notebook would need more unnecessary rules if he wanted it to be interesting. There had to be a few conundrums or he'd get bored too quickly. So he added a few random rules about needing the human's face and some time specifications.

What about...

_If the Human whose name is written in this Notebook writes a name in the Notebook while under the effects of the Notebook, then both Humans shall die from uncontrollable laughter._

No, that went against the subsequent deaths rule. Hm... well, he already had about four pages of rules, so what was next? Ah... what if a _human_ got hold of a Notebook?

_The Human who uses the Death Note cannot exceed 2 pages worth of names in one night or all further names shall not result in heart attacks, but random cornobbling._

No, that wouldn't work. Most humans didn't remember what cornobbling was nowadays.

_If The Human who writes in this Death Note sneezes on a fourth Tuesday of October during a leap year while eating pickled peppers in a tent near a tree, then proceeds to write in the Note, they shall get carpel tunnel syndrome and the Note shall be rendered useless._

That one was _too_ complicated. After all, what were the odds of all that happening? Plus, he didn't want his Death Note to be rendered useless on the off-chance that it did.

Finally, the Shinigami King thought of a rule that he would absolutely keep.

_The male Human who first writes in this Notebook must use a pen from the Shinigami Realm or they will develop a strange habit for eating potato chips dramatically._

Excellent.


	128. Cussing

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Light, Matsuda, Task Force**

**Genre: Humor**

**Warning! If you don't like cussing, you're going to be offended by this fic. In many, many languages. Also, keep in mind that I'm not 100-percent sure what all of these mean. So... yeah... if there are racial slurs or something... sorry. XD**

**A/N: Again, with help from Miharu is Haruka's Love Child.**

* * *

"Light-kun," L said thoughtfully, bringing his knees up to him and- BANG!

L hit his knee on the desk, hard enough to make Light next to him actually flinch. "Are you okay, Ryuuzaki? That sounded like it really hurt and-"

"Ow! Damn it! _Ow_! Chinga ni madre! Okole! Bakayarou! Fux! Fish slapper! 0100011001101 010110001101101011! Avada Kedavra! Sweet-n-Low! Pinche puto! Pudor tu! Elif air ab tizak! Ribanc! Peeshka Glava! Zit howa! Aye chingado! Varool! Uck-fey! Yebo ti kogn krwavim kurtzem sestru na maychinom grobu! Chilaka! Govedo! Jebo ti konj trudnu sestru na majcinom grobu dok ti otac retardiran gleda iz invalidskihkolica! Clothed Light Yagami! Bliad! Schlemeil! Wala kang puwet! Vlaca! Tha se xiso sti mouri! MILF! Dick-sucking cunt-licking SON OF A BITCH USELESS PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT _TABLE_!"

By this point, everyone in the room had frozen to stare at him. Mogi was actually eating popcorn.

When L finally stopped cussing, he blinked at them. "Resume your work," he ordered distantly. But they were still too much in shock.

"...Bloody _Hell_," Matsuda finally said, whistling appreciatively.

"Ah, yes, thank you, Matsuda. I _thought_ I had missed one."


	129. Don't Drop the Soap

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

* * *

I couldn't believe it. Bewildered, I could only stare at him as he stood there, watching me, _not turning me in_.

I had just confessed, and it was out of love for him. I didn't want to lie anymore. That, and if I continued to be free to operate as Kira, I would eventually have to kill him.

That, I could not stand.

So I had walked up to him and outright admitted to being Kira, and a whole five minutes had passed and I had yet to be thrown in jail.

It was then that I realized:

Ryuuzaki must really, truly love me as much as I loved him. If he, _the_ L, was willing to not turn me in... if he was willing to go against everything he was, everything he stood for, everything he _believed_ in...

My heart swelled with love for him, for this man with whom I had agreed to spend my life.

"Ryuuzaki," I breathed, "you're really not going to arrest me?"

"No," he replied promptly.

"Wow," I mumbled to myself, taking a step closer to him. "You love me enough to do that for me? To keep me here with you, free?"

He frowned. "For you? Light-kun, I do not keep you out of prison for you happiness."

I blinked at him. "Then why?"

He smacked my butt, making me yelp in surprise, then smiled innocently and said, "Because that ass is mine and I'm not sharing it with some prison inmate."


	130. Rubix Cube

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Near, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Suggested by Sonar a long time ago.**

* * *

Near grunted in an unusual display of emotion, tossing the Rubix cube across the room. It hit the wall, leaving a little dent with a much-less little clatter as it met the floor.

L came shuffling around the corner, faster than usual. "Are you all right?"

"Yes," Near replied, in control again. "I was momentarily frustrated by that contraption." He indicated it with a nod of his head.

L slouched over to it and picked it up. Two minutes later, he had it solved. He placed it in Near's hands.

"Here you are," he said pleasantly, and wandered away.

When he was long out of earshot, Near mumbled, "Asshole."


	131. Confession Denied

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Light and L were typing away at the big computers in Task Force headquarters. Light paused and gazed at the detective next to him for a moment, and suddenly he was exhausted. It had to be over.

"Ryuuzaki, I'm Kira."

Light cringed, waiting for hell and prison to rain down upon him, but L just ignored him.

"Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes, Light-kun?" he replied innocently.

So he hadn't gone completely deaf or something...

"Did you hear me? I said I'm Kira."

L pounded his fist on the table and spun his chair to give Light a glare that actually made him shrink back in his seat.

"Dammit, Light-kun!"

"What?"

"Why would you confess that?"

"Because I want this to be over?"

"No!" L yelled, jumping off his chair and stomping his foot petulantly. "No! I wanted to prove that you were Kira! I didn't want you to _confess_! That's so _boring!"_

Light stared at him. The detective... had clearly lost his mind.

"You're... pissed at me... because I confessed to being the criminal you're trying to catch."

"Yes, damn it! You know what? I'm going to go erase the security tapes that caught you saying that. _I, _L, am going to catch Kira, and _you_ are going to stop confessing so that I can prove it!"

Light stared in confusion as Ryuuzaki stormed off in the direction of the security room.


	132. L Drools

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Romance, Humor**

* * *

L had actually fallen asleep before Light, much to the surprise of the younger male. It took Light a minute to even notice, in fact, since the only difference between sleeping L and thinking L was that his eyes were closed and his head was tilted slightly to the side. For a moment, Light could only stare at this phenomenon as if it were Hailey's Comet. How many people had ever _seen_ L sleep? Watari, probably. And Matsuda had claimed to.

That was all Light knew for sure.

Shifting around to get a better look at his dozing companion, Light was tempted to take a picture as proof that L was, in fact, human. That would probably be taken as Kira-related, however, so Light contented himself with leaning forward to get a better angle.

It was then that he saw it.

It was clear, it was liquid, and it was gathering in the corner of L's slightly-parted lips.

L was... _drooling_.

Of _course_ The Great and Powerful L would drool. Why wouldn't he? It made perfect sense that the most incredible person Light had ever met would do the one thing that Light had always found...

_Adorable_.

By all means, Light was a neat-freak. He grouped his pens by color and vacuumed _under _furniture every time he cleaned- about three times a week. He carried four different scents of hand sanitizers with him everywhere he went. So there was absolutely no reason that a drooling person should ever be considered cute to him. Drool was unsanitary and disgusting and even on _principle_ it was offensive.

But there was something about it.

When Light had first held his sister as a baby, she had drooled on him and he had immediately loved her. When Light had once found a puppy on the streets one day, it was drooling all over the sidewalk and hadn't stopped when he picked it up and brought it back to its family. That one really hot actor drooled in that one movie.

Maybe it was more that cute things drooled than the action of drooling itself, but in the end it didn't really matter; L gurgled out one little snore and made a sound of contentment, burrowing a little more into his covers, curling up and tucking his nose. His back was warm against Light's side.

Light knew it would be awkward when, someday, L asked _when_ Light had known he loved him.

Because then the neat-freak Light would have to say, "The night you drooled," and there was no way the detective would ever let that one go.


	133. Misa Just Asks

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Misa, L**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

**A/N: Sorry that I keep updating this. XD I know I should let it go, but I have to get these plot bunnies out of my brain somehow and this is pretty much the only way. I won't be offended if you take this story off alert so I stop clogging up your inbox. XD If you don't feel that way, then yay! And see you next chapter! And the next... and the next... XD**

* * *

Light was very pleased with the current situation. He had gotten to top L the night before, they were together at the moment, working, and, best of all, Light had hot tea that had escaped from L's sweetening fury.

The only flaw, Light thought as he took a sip, was that Misa was also in the room. He was willing to overlook that, however, in light of how good this tea was.

His good mood dimmed considerably when Misa decided it was time to talk to him.

He took another sip of tea to brace himself as she delicately pulled a chair over and sat next to him.

"Light, have you been fucking Ryuuzaki?"

Light's mouth dropped open and his cup of tea slipped out of his hands, shattering on the floor.

L glanced over at the exchange, saying to himself, "Fascinating..."

"I... uh... we..."

"I'll take that as a yes," she said cheerfully, and skipped away leaving Light to gape after her.


	134. The Origins of Health Class

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Sayu**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Aww, I'm comforted. Thank you! I would have continued to post either way, of course, but I'm glad to know that it's not annoying, lol.**

* * *

L was not sure when he had agreed to babysit Sayu Yagami.

In fact, he was 94 percent certain that he _hadn't_, but it wasn't like Soichiro to lie. It did, however, sound _exactly _like something Watari would do in his never-ending attempts to 'socialize' the detective.

Nevertheless, the girl was in his hotel room with him and quietly drawing in a pad she had brought, headphones in her ears. She, unlike her brother, did not seem to require constant attention, and L was more than happy to not give it to her.

He would have to speak to Watari about that later, however. It was wildly inappropriate to have the little sibling of his main suspect in the room with him as he worked.

Being the world's three greatest detectives, L noticed when Sayu removed her headphones, closed her notepad, and went to the bathroom.

He also did not miss the blood-curdling scream that followed only seconds later.

Before L was halfway to the bathroom door, Sayu was barreling out of it, and collided with him.

"Ryuuzaki!" she shrieked. "I have to go to the hospital!"

Alarmed, L asked, "What? Why?"

"I'm peeing blood!"

A clump of dread filled L's stomach. No way. Not while _he_ was in charge of her. Yes, she was eleven, and it wouldn't be unheard of... but...

"Are you certain?" L asked hesitantly.

She was pulling on his hand. "Yes! It was everywhere! Why else would there be blood? Come _on_!"

It was. It was exactly what he had feared. That wasn't fair at _all_.

"Sayu, you are not urinating blood."

She looked more confused than relieved, so L continued, "You have just started your menstrual cycle. Judging from your reaction, your first."

"My... what?"

"A period, Sayu. You got your period."

"_What_?"

"You... were never informed of them?"

"Well, I mean, I've _heard_ of them... but I didn't exactly know... um... how it was going to work..."

"I see."

"So... I'm not going to bleed to death?"

"No. The female body is remarkable that way."

"Aren't I, like, supposed to have a tampon when this happens?"

"...For now, go take a clean washcloth from the bathroom and put it in your underwear. When your parents collect you, you can find a better solution."

Sayu nodded and went to do as he said. Relieved that that was over, L returned to his work.

He heard her leave the bathroom, and after a moment he noticed that she was burning a hole into his back with her eyes.

He was tempted to tell her to just take a picture, but it was starting to look like Kira/Light needed a face to kill and it was better not to risk her _actually_ attempting to take a picture.

Instead, he spun his chair to look at her. "May I help you?"

"Ryuuzaki," she said quietly, "What's going on?"

Stunted social skills or no, L could tell that the child was upset, and it is a rare adult who can _not_ feel at least _some_ compassion for a child who is on the verge of tears.

"Well..." he said, "Between the ages of 9 and 15, give or take, a female will begin menstruation. From then on, every 28 days or so, she will bleed for approximately a week."

"But... I mean... where is it _coming_ from?"

"The uterus," L said easily. "An ova descends from the ovaries and, if not fertilized as it travels down the fallopian tubes, is flushed out of the uterus and exits the vagina."

"So... there's _supposed_ to be that much."

"Do not worry. You are functioning as you should."

"And it's going to be like this for the rest of my life?"

"No, just until you are 45 or 50 or so. When you run out of ovum, the process will cease and you will experience menopause."

"Does it hurt?"

"I have heard that it is uncomfortable. Apparently it is followed by hot flashes and other such symptoms."

"It sucks to be female."

"Quite."

"So... um... does all this have anything to do with babies?"

"Have they taught you nothing at school?"

"About this? Why _would_ they?"

"And your parents have not talked to you about it either?"

"No."

L frowned. "Excuse me for a moment."

"Okay."

L made three phone calls, and within 25 minutes there was a health requirement at every school in the world.

And that is the origin of Sex Education class.


	135. Freaking Light Yagami

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Random OMC, (Light)**

**Genre: Uh...**

**A/N: I, Dlvvanzor, writer of Death Note yaoi and gay-related humor, am going to write something completely, one-hundred-percent straight, and the main character not being a girl. Something my grandmother could read. I used to write het (I did! RobinxStarfire!), so I'm sure I can manage this. Maybe. Well, wish me luck. XD**

* * *

I was ungodly nervous, is what I was. Here I sat, staring at this piece of paper, and I was only three feet away from the smartest guy in the school, To-Oh University's freshman with a perfect entrance score, Light Yagami.

Quite frankly, he scared the crap out of me in nearly every single way. I personally got in off the waiting list. I'm no idiot, but I'm _far_ from freshman class Rep, for sure.

As if that's not enough, he's dating Miss To-Oh. Takada. Explain to me how that's fair? How does a prissy pretty-boy get someone like her? Does he teach lessons about how to _be _him? He's probably narcissistic enough. If so, can I afford them? If not, is there some kind of payment plan I can set up?

I wish I had Yagami-san's ease with women. The only girls I can get are the sweet, pleasant-looking, slightly heavy girls with glasses. There's nothing wrong with that type of girl, of course- I'll probably marry a girl like that someday and love her madly- but it would be cool if, just during my youth, I could be a chick magnet. Like Yagami.

And then there's Light's hair. I'm not lying: I once jacked some girl's picture of him and took it to the most expensive hair place I could find. The hair lady looked at the picture and told me that it was impossible to do that to me. She said you had to be born that perfect- that no one could make it happen.

Discouraged, I had returned the picture to the girl before she could notice it was gone.

So, top scoring high school student in Japan, perfect entrance exam score to the hardest college in Japan, and hair so perfect that even a roomful of professionals couldn't recreate it, _and_ he was polite, quiet in class, and funny.

I hated him.

And I'd think of a good reason later.


	136. Debate Class

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Random Wammy's Teacher, Mello, etc**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Ignore the fact that L and MMN are the same age in this chapter. XD**

* * *

"Class," the debate teacher said pleasantly, "today's topic will be gay marriage and its legal, moral, and economic implications."

Every student in the class got quiet and stared at her.

For a moment, the woman really felt like she had missed an important memo, but she chalked it up to the eerie, 'observed' feeling of having dozens of pairs of genius eyes on her and shrugged it off.

"Before we begin our debate," she continued, "I'd like to see where you all stand on the issue. We can recount at the end of class and see how many people changed their minds."

They were still staring at her and she hadn't the foggiest idea why.

"Who here... is against it?"

No one moved.

Not a single student raised his or her hand.

Startled, the teacher said, "Who is undecided?"

Again, not a sound, not a move.

"Well then, _for_ it?"

Fourteen hands went up. It was everyone in the room.

"Oh... okay... well... is someone willing to play Devil's advocate?"

Mello, in his seat, rolled his eyes. "Ma'am, every single person in this room- except for you- is either gay or bisexual."

She cast her eyes over the students in attendance. Mello. Matt. BB. A. C. L. Rane. X, Y, and Z. Holy shit, Mello was _right_.

"Um... okay," an idea sparked in her brain. "Let's change the topic, then. Now discuss: Why are so many genius orphans gay in fanon?"


	137. Proper Noun

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Best way to come out EVER: "Hey, Dad? Could you please pass the salt to me, your gay son?"**

* * *

"Light-kun, would you please get me Cake?"

"Have you become a pirate?" Light demanded.

"Um... no? Light-kun, just please get me Cake."

"Then why are you butchering grammar like tha-" Light turned to look at him. "...Did you just verbally imply capitalization of the word 'cake?'"

"Of course, Light-kun."

"...Why?"

"Cake is a proper noun to _me_, Light-kun."


	138. How Good Teachers Could Prevent Genocide

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Hard to say**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This one is a little different, lol. **

**Ignore the following (nothing is wrong and it's NOT directed at any of you guys, this is passive resistance): "Fuck, fuck."**

**Carry on. :D**

* * *

**Title:** Millionth Request for School Funding

**Name:** Principal Hikaru Takoyashi

**School: **The One that Light Yagami (Kira!) Went to, Idiots.

**Title of Conference or Workshop:** Give Us the Damn Money: We Are Tired of Asking

**Date of Workshop: **August 29, 201-

**Amount Requested: **Same as the last twelve emails.

**Reason for Request:** All right, assholes, listen up. I'm tired of fucking asking nicely and getting no results. Things here have gone to Hell and the Almighty School Board in Its Infinite Wisdom _refuses_ to do anything about it. Things _have_ been going to Hell here for years. Seven years, to be exact, and if you are doing the math (can you DO math?), yes. You're making the correct connection. Things started going to Hell about a year before Light Yagami attended.

Yes. Light Yagami. _Kira_. _The_ Kira. Yeah, he was one of ours. And you know what? The whole Kira genocide thing is _all_ _your fault_, because if you had just given me the damn funding when I first asked for it, _none_ of this would have happened.

Here is my logic: Light was smart. Light's classes were taught badly due to lack of supplies and lack of funds to hire good teachers. Light's classes were not challenging. Light became bored. Light got hold of a Death Note. Light fixed his boredom using the Death Note. Light went crazy and killed _thousands_ of people. Light briefly took over the world.

And so, Vast and All-Knowing School Board, I hope you can see my point. If Light had had proper funding for the school he attended, thousands of people would now be alive.

And it's _all your fault_.

_That_ is the damn 'reason for request,' and if you ignore it again I refuse to be responsible for the next genocide.

Assholes.


	139. Like Light Could Possibly Be Shy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

**A/N: Companion to 'L Drools,' Inspired slightly by 'Minor Annoyances' by Mysterious Penname. THAT is a good fic.**

* * *

See, the thing was, Light was driving him completely insane, and L was nothing if not a little childish, right? He had admitted it time and again and really, besides brilliant (and sometimes 'asshole,' depending on who you were talking to) it was one of the first personality traits people assigned to him. So, he reasoned, when it was over, Light would not be able to truthfully complain that L was 'being' anything besides himself.

And the young man deserved it, L knew. Even if he _wasn't_ Kira, and even if it _was_ technically L's idea to actually handcuff him to his person, Light deserved every moment of discomfort, awkwardness, and occasionally even _pain_ that being handcuffed brought him.

He was simply too annoying.

He sang. He complained. He questioned L. He pointed out when what L had said didn't make sense. And he kept trying to get him to get a haircut.

L growled a little to himself, patting down the hair that still remained at its full length. He was just as anal about his hair as Light was... except _L_ obsessively kept it shaggy. Partly because that's what he was used to, and partly because he knew how much it pissed Light off.

Yes, it was time for some petty revenge. Time to use that childishness of his; that childishness that Light also possessed. Their mutual childishness...es... ensured that Light would retaliate and it would escalate from there, which promised to be quite amusing.

And so, L waited until Light was in the shower, uncuffing him and telling him to wash out the handcuff welts especially well to avoid infection. Light hummed an affirmative.

Poor, poor, unsuspecting idiot.

The moment he was sure that Light was immersed in the pleasantness of a hot shower, L silently grabbed up Light's clothes, the towels, and the bathroom rugs. When he had all of the fabric (the shower had a door instead of a curtain), he left, closing the door behind him without a sound.

Yes! He was victorious! Grinning, he put it all down in the corner of the room furthest from the bathroom. There was no way someone like Light would ever be willing to leave without something to cover himself up with! He would be stuck in there, completely at L's mercy! ..._More_ so!

Almost cackling with glee, L sat on the bed and hugged his knees to him, much too pleased with himself. His plan was foolproof. He heard the water go off. He heard Light get out, heard him shuffling around looking for his clothes. Heard a, "Ryuuzaki? Where are my clothes? And why aren't there any towels? I could have sworn there were some here when I got in."

L squeezed his knees tighter, trying not to laugh.

A few moments later, though, he was really, really glad he was sitting that way.

Because Light- completely unabashed- just stepped on out of the bathroom.

Naked as the day he was born, but significantly better-built.

L tried and failed not to stare as Light stood in the doorway, water droplets streaming off of his mysteriously perfect skin and lightly-toned muscles. L hadn't been aware until that day that he wasn't, in fact, asexual, but it was good to know, because he simply couldn't keep his eyes from dragging over Light's firm pectorals, down his flat stomach, down his gently-sculpted abdominals, and sticking at his huge -

Light put a hand on his hips and surveyed the room, running the other hand through his wet hair, making it stand up in eight different, unbelievably hot directions. L's mouth fell open and a soft, low keening escaped the back of his throat.

"Hey," Light acknowledged L, not even making an effort to cover himself in the slightest. "Have you seen my clothes? I really thought they were-" He caught sight of them. "Oh, there they are."

Oblivious to L's inability to say words (to be fair, Light probably got that reaction a lot and assumed that it was standard), he walked over to retrieve his clothes, water still glimmering illogically on him. His fluid movement caused his muscles to shift under his skin like some kind of panther. Except a panther that L wanted to throw to the ground and-

"How'd they get out here?" Light laughed, bending over to get his clothes, and L came. ...Close to coming in his pants. Besides the fact that Light was pretty much looking like Adonis at the moment, that laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and the way it made Light's face crinkle up and his lips part to display his perfect teeth...

L knew that it would be awkward when, someday, Light asked _when_ L had known he loved him.

Because then the emotionless L would have to say, "The night I saw you naked," and there was no way Light would ever let that one go.


	140. The Importance of Community Service

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor, parody maybe**

**A/N:** **I'm sorry about the break. I'm just starting college so it's taking some getting used to. I want you to know that I'm NOT leaving because of the LU and RB. It's a coincidence. College is just rudely keeping me away from writing. XD**

**This idea came from my dad.**

* * *

Light sat in the back of his limo, legs and arms crossed, his head tilted with arrogance, his perfect hair falling to the side. His eyes pierced the trash that lined the streets, mold crawling greenly across the outermost layer, compressed together from years of rain and snow and people walking over it to do Kira's bidding. It was raining, cold and gray

"Driver," he said icily, "This place is filthy."

Somehow the driver (used to Light's moods and ravings after so many years of faithful service), understood that that was a question.

"Kira-sama, your New World is so successful that there is no one left to clean."

"Excuse me?"

"You've... you've killed all the criminals, Lord Master of All that is Righteous. There are no criminals left to do community service and clean the streets."

Light gritted his teeth and glared out the window.

Over the course of the next two years, everyone contracted horrible diseases from the massive amounts of trash and the population of the earth fell to zero.

And that is why community service is important to any godhood.


	141. If L's Phone Hadn't Rung

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Rem **

**Genre: Angst, romance, ALTERNATE ENDING**

**A/N: So you know how in episode 25, L and Light are having a moment at the footwash scene? And then L's phone rings and distracts them? Well.**

* * *

L looked up from Light's feet where he massaged them, his hair dripping over his eyes and turning him into the perfect impression of a drowned kitten. He stared up at Light through his hair, but neither of them could force the smile that he knew would diffuse the whole situation.

It's just... hard to smile when you know it's the day you're going to die by the hand of the one you love. And, L wouldn't know, but he imagined it was even harder to smile on the day you knew you were going to _kill_ the one you loved.

"You're soaked." Light said it condescendingly, but his touch was gentle when he removed his towel from around his neck and started to dab at L's sopping hair.

"Yes..." L said quietly, dropping his head to stare at the feet he had previously been washing.

Somewhere in the Kira Investigation Building, L's cell phone rang, but L didn't hear it and Watari, confused because it was unprecedented for L to not pick up, simply left a message.

Out on the steps, neither Light nor L moved, and the moment wasn't shattered. This time, L looked up at Light through his hair with big, dark, sad eyes...

And Light's heart clenched and almost told him. He almost told him he was Kira and threw himself at his feet for execution or for mercy, he didn't know which. At this point, he didn't even know which one he would have preferred. He just... _wanted_...

But arrogance- his most essential component- didn't let him.

So he did the next best thing.

Quietly, so softly that he barely heard _himself_ say it, he mumbled, "I love you, you know."

L was silent for a long time, still as stone and unsurprised. The rain poured down on the overhang above them, echoing and creating an environment that was almost painfully appropriate. The sky was grey and there was a clap of thunder that rattled the building. Finally, L replied, "I know."

Light's voice cracked and he stood. "W-well? Shall we get back to work?"

"Yes, Light-kun," he whispered. He stood, and it looked like it took all the energy in his body but he took Light's hand. Light gasped quietly and squeezed, barely perceptible.

Why _now? _Why was he realizing this _now_? And would anything have changed if he had realized it months ago? Would he still have sacrificed L for his New World if he had known before he even _met_ L that he would end up... loving him?

He didn't know, but he knew that the damage was already done. Misa was already writing names again. Rem already knew that Misa could be caught soon. Rem had already realized that she needed to kill L to keep Misa alive and free.

Aching and so, so sorry, Light ever-so-gently pull L to him and brought their lips together.

Rem stared, horror outlined against her already perpetually startled-looking features.

She had known that Light didn't love Misa. She wasn't stupid. She knew love looked like, what it _felt _like, and knew that the way Light was looking at Misa wasn't love.

But this?

Shaking with deep, black hatred, Rem flipped open her notebook with a practiced gesture.

_Light Yagami._

Just outside, Light choked and L caught him, eyes going wide when his brilliant mind realized what was happening. He stared at Light, speechless, desperate, and could only lower them both to the ground as he collapsed.

L's voice was small, broken, as he stared at the boy in his arms.

"...Light?"


	142. Momph Ragaaag Smmrf

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light and L**

**Genre: Fluff, romance, humor, dialogue**

**A/N: I just think this idea is absurdly adorable. :D**

* * *

"Momph ragaaag smmrf."

"I'm not gonna heat up your damn tea for you. The sugar in it would probably combust and we'd all burn to death."

"Mmgrph-mum! Graawrgshm?"

"Yes, I can understand you. Which, by the way, is like learning another language. Do you have to stuff _that _much cake in your mouth at once?"

"Mmf."

"Figures."

"Pshrom umgh eurugund em?"

"Because I spend every waking moment with you, because you have _chained me to your person_ like the sick freak that you are."

"Warefng pougtof moush."

"I'm not surprised. You never chained _Watari _to yourself so you can't really expect him to be able to understand you."

"Urg msmeush."

"Right."

"Ooug wquaimsh ehm?"

"No, I don't. I'm, you know, pretty sure it's impossible to hate you."

"Yomersh. Ung woub ubqueur?"

"Would I have said I didn't hate you if I wasn't _sure_ that I didn't hate you? Do I seem like the type to pretend to like someone I hate? ...Okay, yes, shut up."

"Groshmum?"

"You're too cute for me to hate you, asshole. Even if everything about your entire personality makes me want to strangle you with the chain."

"Koa!"

"I'm not Kira! _Dammit_, Ryuuzaki! And would you stop cramming more cake into your mouth when you know you're in the middle of a conversation? You're the _rudest-_"

"Omgh _earg_ muufh aarsm uo aresgmeh teh."

"I know I said I was going to kill you, but I didn't _mean_ it. What the _hell_ would I do without you?"

"Scmem?"

"Yes, really. You're acting like a puppy dog today."

"Murgh mmg sames aahum eughsm bot, Mmgrph-mum."

"I know you're not a dog. I said you're _acting_ like one. ...Stop tilting your head like that and blinking at me just to prove a point!"

"Om sourdoghomf, Mmgrph-mum."

"...I love you too."


	143. The Cake

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Suggested by Jane3121958. Also, yes, I know, it's been a while. I promise I'm not out of ideas (still have pages and pages and more ideas replacing those I manage to cross out) but I AM out of free time. Dear college, you're a jerk, love, Dlvvanzor. XD**

* * *

"Ryuuzaki..." Light said gently, placing a tender hand on L's shoulder, "I don't know how to tell you this."

He felt L stiffen under his fingers. "Yes, Light-kun?"

"Well, you see, the thing is... you know how Watari said there was extra cake in the fridge for the weekend while he was gone?"

L sucked in a breath. No...

"Well, Ryuuzaki..."

"No..."

"I'm sorry, but..."

"Light-kun, _no-_"

"Yes." He took a deep breath, and then sighed heavily. "The cake is, in fact, a lie."


	144. Picking Teams

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or any of the characters mentioned in this chapter from other series.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt, Watari**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: If any of you are Twilighters... forgive me. XD As far as I know, there aren't a lot of Twilighters in the yaoi Death Note fandom, so...**

**Finally a Mello and Matt chapter!**

* * *

"Team Edward!" Mello shrieked, stomping his foot. "He is the main character and _clearly_ superior to Jacob!"

"Don't you EVEN!" Matt snapped, slamming his laptop closed. "Don't you EVEN call that abusive bastard superior! As much as I hate Bella, I wouldn't wish such a terrible _eternity_ of domestic violence on someone. And how long did they know each other before they broke out the promise rings? Like two weeks or something!"

"We're _not_ going into this again! He's not abusive! He's _protective,_ and, you know what? There are some inherent dangers in dating a vampire!"

"Even a sissy-ass one who can barely be _considered_ a vampire because of his complete lack of any characteristic resembling the actual myth of vampires?"

"_So_ much like your ever-accurate werewolf!"

"He's a _shapeshifter _who just happens to turn into a wolf! At least _he_ is justified! Explain to me what it is about a dead man's skin that makes him _sparkle_ in the sunlight? And why is he immune to stakes and crosses and everything that a vampire is supposed to have a problem with? If none of his traits actually _match those of a vampire_, then he's obviously not a vampire!"

"He drinks blood, damnit!"

"So do pixies!"

The door to the boys' room slammed open.

"BOYS!" Watari yelled. Both Matt and Mello were stunned into silence. Watari almost never raised his voice.

Watari stood in their doorway in a nightcap with a tassel, a nightgown, and old-man slippers.

"Boys, you NEED to have this argument at some time that is _not_ three o'clock in the morning. I am right down the hall from you and I do not appreciate hearing you LOUDLY defend badly-written, two-dimensional characters that play opposing ends on one girl's choice between necrophilia and bestiality! So just GO TO _SLEEP_!"

Matt and Mello both began nodding rapidly. "Yes, sir," they mumbled in unison.

Watari sighed. "Good. Thank you." He shook his head and turned to leave.

At the last moment, he added, "Besides. Team Lestat."

And he left, leaving Matt and Mello wide-eyed in his wake.


	145. National Coming Out Day

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: If you don't know what LGBT means, first off, how are you reading in the yaoi fandom? XD However, if you don't know, it's an acronym for "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender." YAY ACRONYMS! Also, no disrespect is meant.**

**HAPPY NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY! :D If you're in the closet and you want to practice, come out in a review! Or message me! Whatever! For my part: I'm bi and I'm having a RL love affair with Miharu is Haruka's Love Child. Look me in the eyes and tell me if you think I'm joking.**

* * *

"Light-kun," L said conversationally, typing at inhuman speeds and not slowing down even though he was speaking.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"Do you realize that three of the four letters of the term 'LGBT' are in your first name?"

Light glared at him. "What are you trying to prove?"

"Nothing at all, Light-kun."

They typed for a moment in silence until Light's brilliant mind finally kicked in and allowed him to say, "Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes, LesbianGayTransgender-kun?"

"Do you realize that your entire first _name_ is one of the letters in LGBT, _L_?"

"...How do you know that that's also my first name?"

"Silence, Lesbian-san."

"...Light-kun, I am not a lesbian."

"It's National Coming Out Day, Ryuuzaki. You don't have to hide it."

"I know, but I am not a lesbian!"

"Are you _sure_?"

"Yes I am sure! Light-kun should know that I am male after so many viewings of my naked body in the shower!"

"_Describe_ this naked body for me. Maybe I _have_ seen it."

"You are a jerk, Light-kun."

"You're just now figuring this out?"

Silence.

Then:

"Light-kun, how did you know it was National Coming Out Day?"

"...How did _you_ know?"

They stared at each other for a moment, and then resumed typing once again without a word.


	146. Poison Checker

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor, romanceish**

**Characters: Light, L**

**A/N: Y****ou know what? THANK YOU! I nearly die of happiness every time I see that review count, and it's because you- yes YOU- are awesome. Seriously. I mean it. Thank you very, very much! Here, have Mello. -Gives you Mello- He's the perfect gift because he's sexy to just about anyone of any sexuality. Nods.**

* * *

"Oh, here, let me just _check that cake for you _and _make sure it's not poisoned_."

Light plunged his hand into the middle of L's freshly-baked cake, rudely tearing a chunk out of it and stuffing it obscenely into his mouth, chewing.

"L-Light-kun..." L said, strangled. "What are you _doing_?"

"What if Kira poisoned this cake?" Light said, voice dripping mock-concern. "It would be much better for _me_ to die, because _you're_ a big, important detective and _I'm_ just a college student. The world needs you _so_ much more and-"

"Light-kun!"

"-clearly, it's more logical if-"

"Light-kun, listen to me!"

"-for my meaningless-"

"Light-kun, I already apologized for _accidentally_ asking Watari to get you the wrong body wash, and how was I supposed to know you were allergic to strawberry scented things?"

"There is a rash," Light said through gritted teeth, "On _every inch _of my body. Every. Last. Damn. Inch."

L looked at the now-speckled Light and concluded that it was entirely possible that Light was telling the truth.

"Do you know what it's like to itch on _every inch of your body? _Let's assume you don't. Well, L, when you have a rash on _every, single, inch_ of your body, you itch. Everywhere. And it never stops. Constant, unrelenting, maddening, ITCHINESS."

"Surely Light-kun must have _some_ patch of uninfected skin-"

Light shamelessly dropped his pants and boxers.

L stared. "...Light-kun does not have a patch of uninfected skin," he confirmed.

"Correct," Light snapped, getting his pants back up. "But, you know? That, I could probably forgive you for. After all, accidents happen, and I could have read the bottle to check. No. You know the thing that really peeves me? What _really_ pisses me off? The fact that you took me to the dermatologist and he prescribed medication to sate my _constant, unrelenting, maddening itching_, and _you wouldn't get it._"

"It was quite expensive and-"

"You're a billionaire!" Light exploded. "It was a $25 treatment! The _appointment_ cost more than that!"

"You didn't express-"

"Like Hell I didn't express my _discomfort_! I was complaining the entire way there!"

"Light-kun must realize that, as much as I love him, that is not significantly different than what he normally-"

"Fuck you!"

"I apologize to Light-kun for being so cruel. Would he stop yelling at me if I procured the requested medication?"

"Yep!" Light said brightly. All signs of anger gone, Light kissed L on the cheek and pranced out of the room.

It took L 20 minutes to realize that he had just been played.


	147. Plan B

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Watari**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY FANFIC DOT NET! :D**

* * *

"So, Watari, my plan is to get Light Yagami to ask to be confined and then leave him in there. If he confesses, excellent. If he does not, after two months or so, I'll talk his father into an elaborate acting role. If he confesses _then_, that is great. If he does not, after the staged murder-suicide, I will handcuff Light Yagami to myself."

Wammy stared at him. "You'll... _what_?"

"Get him to ask to be confined."

"No, the last part."

"Handcuff Light Yagami to myself."

"...Why?"

"To find out if he is Kira."

Watari blinked, hoping that that would make it suddenly make sense. It didn't. He blinked again for good measure but it just _didn't help._

"You know, Ryuuzaki, in many cultures, when someone finds themselves attracted to another person, they ask them out on a _date_," he said reasonably.

"I am not attracted to Light Yagami," L lied. "It is simply the most logical way to discover if he is Kira."

"...How are you going to shower?"

"Together, I presume."

Watari tried blinking one more time (last ditch effort) with no noticeable effects on the situation.

"If you don't want to ask him on a date, I'm sure he wouldn't turn down an offer of casual se-"

"Watari, could you please focus?"

"Yes," he said, shaking his head sharply to chase out the images. "Um... yes, it sounds like an effective plan, Ryuuzaki."

"Excellent. Thank you. Now, please drive me to a store that sell bondage sup- I mean, handcuffs."


	148. I am Batman

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Batman.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Alfred, Watari**

**A/N: My friends and I came up with this out of nowhere. XD**

* * *

"Ryuuzaki," Watari said, "today I will be taking tea with an old friend of mine. I can personally vouch for his trustworthiness, so do not feel that security is being compromised, and I strongly advise you not to listen in on or otherwise record our conversation- you may not like what you hear."

L cocked his head and frowned a little, but he trusted Watari completely and made no objection when his friend politely inclined his head and left the room.

Watari's friend arrived only a short while later, and they were holed up in Watari's study, drinking tea and eating biscuits and being otherwise British and elderly.

After discussing their illnesses (a favorite past time of the geriatric), Alfred asked conversationally, "How is Roger?"

"Well enough. As usual, he updates me nightly on all the happenings of the House. And your niece?"

"Barbara is a handful," he chuckled. "Your ward?"

"L eats nothing but sugar. Alfred, do you have any idea what it's like to try to bake zucchini into cake in amounts slight enough to not arouse the suspicion of a man trained in poison detection?"

"I don't, my friend. But Bruce, in a similar way, simply cannot retain the fact that fish soup is _supposed_ to be cold. He is bewildered every time I present it to him. And then every time he decides he likes it, and asks for it again, only to forget the next week."

"L refuses to sit correctly under any circumstances, no matter how socially awkward the fact of his deviance may be in the situation."

"Bruce's boxers feature cartoon vampire bats."

"L doesn't wear underwear, and he has 12 identical sets of clothing. He once attended a wedding in his white shirt and jeans."

"Bruce sometimes walks around Wayne Manor in his costume, simply because he likes his cape."

"L refuses, like a child, to go to the dentist. He must be tricked every time, which is a distinctly difficult task and usually involves cake."

"Bruce won't get psychiatric help to deal with the death of his parents."

"Neither will L."

"Bruce has named every statue in the entire Manor. One has been dubbed 'Vagina.' It is a recreation of the statue of David."

"L doesn't sleep, and at four in the morning he often forgets that other people- including myself- _do_ sleep, and he will request my assistance for something entirely benign."

"Bruce never got a driver's license."

"L has been sued fourteen times for various driving-related incidents, including six accounts of very-nearly-avoided or unsuccessfully-avoided pedestrians."

"Bruce sleeps in a cave."

"L is afraid of sheep for no adequately explored reason."

"Bruce can't keep a girlfriend even though he's a handsome billionaire."

"L has never been on a date."

"Bruce spends hundreds of dollars a month on his hair."

"I have to sneak into L's room at night and cut his hair on the rare nights that he _does _sleep in order to keep it from collecting _too_ much assorted garbage or acquiring length. Because of my stealth his whole life, L has come to believe that his hair does not, in fact, grow."

"Bruce gets lost in his own Manor."

"L handcuffed a seventeen-year-old boy to himself."

"Bruce is constantly being chased around by a man who seems to believe himself to be a playing card come to life."

"L has caused the famous Denuve and Eraldo Coil to have mysterious accidents and has taken their names as his own. He uses these names to catch anyone who would go to them in an attempt to find _him_."

"Bruce goes out at three in the morning without telling anyone, and he likes to do it when a particularly potent super-villain is targeting him."

"The seventeen-year-old boy L handcuffed himself to is possibly Kira."

Alfred took a sip. "Bruce chronically dresses young boys in spandex and has no idea why people think he is a pedophile."

"Old friend, I don't know how we came to be associated with these young men."

"I can't say I know any better than you do," Alfred agreed pleasantly. He took out a pocket-watch and looked at the time. "I must go. It is almost time for me to prepare the fish soup that Bruce will have forgotten he likes."

"Same time next month, as usual?"

"Certainly."


	149. Fun With Dying Alone

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Angst?**

**Characters: Light**

**A/N: Hello! :D**

* * *

Light Yagami was halfway convinced that he was going to keel over and die.

He knew it wasn't likely, of course. Healthy, gorgeous, brilliant eighteen-year-olds like himself rarely dropped dead for no apparent reason. And in all reality, it wasn't like the evening was really going _that_ badly.

Not at all. Light Yagami didn't _have_ bad dates. He wasn't capable. No matter who they were, he could give them a good time. Or at the very least a good lay. He had _never_ failed at that.

It was just that this guy was so _boring_ that he was starting to believe that he truly might defy logic and actually experience a sudden, horrific death.

Of course, a lot of people would be thrilled if Light Yagami suddenly dropped dead, but Light obviously wasn't one of those people.

He rather enjoyed breathing, thank-you-very-much.

Anyway, that's what was on his mind as he kissed this guy goodnight and hummed noncommittally when the boy suggested he call him later. Soooo not happening.

Light was Japan's top student. This guy was second, and Light was still so over his head that the poor guy hadn't managed to bring up a single point about which Light had not already thought and rethought... and then rethought a few more times _just_ to maybe make the hours of his life crawl by a little faster.

Granted, that was hard to do. But you would think that Japan's second-best high school student would be at least _close_ to Light's level.

Apparently not. Apparently Light was in a whole other category, one for which there was- possibly- no match.

Apparently he would be alone forever, maybe.

That, or he'd have to hunt down the world's smartest at one particular thing and for the rest of his life only have intelligent conversation about just that one subject. That would be tolerable...?

No, not really.

It wasn't as if he _needed_ anyone, anyway. Nope. He was strong, brilliant, beautiful, self-sufficient, and amazing at literally everything. He had his mind; he could always go learn something new. That was usually fun. Maybe he could get a medical degree, actually try a little and get it faster than anyone on-record. He had his body. He could always run more, tone up just a little more, find a strand of hair that wasn't exactly in place. And it wasn't like he had trouble getting a date, when he felt needy in that department. Anyone he wanted. For fun, once, he had seduced a lesbian and also a straight guy. On the same day.

So yeah. Light would be fine alone. He didn't _need_ anything more than just himself. Because he was pretty darn great.

But, you know. If there _was_ an equal out there, that would be kind of good, too.

Then maybe he wouldn't feel... like... _empty_ all the time.

Maybe.

He sighed and rolled his shoulders to loosen the muscles there. Best not to think about it. Even if there _was_ someone out there, he probably would never find them.

No, he would just be, well, alone.

Always.


	150. Musical Preferences

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of these songs.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: The author does not, through this fanfic, claim to either like nor dislike country music.**

* * *

"All my ex's live in Texas, and Texas is the place I'd dearly love to be..." L crooned, swaying a little as he typed. "...But all my ex's live in Texas, and that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee..."

Light twitched. "Ryuuzaki, would you mind not singing that song?" he asked tensely.

L stopped. "Certainly, Light-kun." And he started in on, "She got a Trans Am, with a trailer hitch, she got horses, cows and Dixie Chicks, goes honky-tonkin' just for kicks... if that ain't country..."

"Anything but that," Light begged.

"So particular," L scolded, but he must have been in a good mood because he acquiesced and started in on a different song.

"I don't know how you do what you do... I'm so in love with you... just keeps gettin' better..."

"Ryuuzaki! Cut it _out!_"

"_What_, Light-kun? Do you object to me singing?"

"Not on _principle_," Light sighed. "But does it have to be _country_ music?"

L looked at him, appalled. "Does Light-kun dislike country music?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"_Yes_!"

"..._Really_?"

"Why would I lie about this?"

"Because you are Kira?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm lying abou- shit."

And that is how L's secret love of country music helped him catch Kira.


	151. Light Comes Out 1, Tutu

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Remember Outing the Death Note Boys? There's, I believe, one more chapter of that coming (eventually) BUT this will be similar... ways that Light can come out of the closet to his parents or anyone else. You suggest them, I'll try to write them. And they have to be ridiculous- fanon Light at his best. :D Good luck!**

* * *

Scratching at the itchy fabric of his waistline, Light crouched in the dark space. He had already spent several hours in here, stifling on the smell of laundry detergent. It _must_ have been at least 10 o'clock by now, right?

He tried not to be upset that his parents weren't looking for him, adjusting in his slump to try to get at least a little bit more comfortable.

He tensed when he heard footsteps near him, readying his muscles...

When his father opened his closet door, Light sprang out of it in a pink tutu.

"Guess what? I'm gay!" he shouted.

Soichiro just gazed at him, sighed, and said, "Was the tutu really necessary?"

Light looked at it, then back up at his father, Sachiko standing behind him and seeming completely unsurprised.

"I thought it added to the overall effect," Light replied reasonably.

"I suppose," Soichiro shrugged. "Son, take that thing off and get to bed. You have school tomorrow."

Light stood there awkwardly for a moment before nodding and edging away to his room.

* * *

**A/N: Points for taking it well, Soichiro!**


	152. Light Comes Out 2, Face Paint

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Task Force**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This method was suggested by Funky Bracelet Chick. Thank you! By the way, this way would probably work in real life. Not that I want to be held responsible for anyone who tries it...**

**Dedicated to Mej Cat. No relation to this chapter, I just wanted to dedicate something to her, lol. XD**

* * *

Light looked in the mirror at where he had covered his face with a painted rainbow, extra careful not to let any of the paint get into his hair. He took a deep breath and nodded, stepping out of the bathroom and heading downstairs to the main Task Force area.

He could do this.

He sat down at his desk, nodding a greeting at L who had no reaction whatsoever beyond nodding back and returning to his work. Feeling a little shaky, he began to scour the internet for Kira sites to comb them for information. It was pointless, of course- these random people on the internet didn't know any more about Kira than he or L knew- but they couldn't justify ignoring them. Just in case.

Poor, oblivious Matsuda came up behind him, looking at a stack of papers and probably preparing to ask some ridiculous question.

Light turned around.

"Light, where are- HOLY CRAP! Ah, um, I mean, why's that on your face, Light?" He forced a grin.

Light gave him his most charming, condescending, 'poor idiot Matsuda' smile. "Obviously it's because I'm gay, Matsuda. Is there any other reason for a person to paint his face with a rainbow?"

Matsuda gaped. "Well, uh, I guess not."

"Honestly, Matsuda, use your head before you ask stupid questions, and then _don't_ _ask them_, all right?"

Matsuda nodded rapidly.

"Now get back to work," Light sighed.

"R-right. Yeah."

Matsuda scurried away, leaving his papers and most of his dignity behind.


	153. Light Comes Out 3, Singing

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thank you, LittleMissAnthrope.**

* * *

"I feel pretty... oh so pretty... I feel pretty, and witty, _**and GAY**_!"

"We _know_, Light-kun!" L finally exclaimed, rubbing his temples. "You have been singing that verse of the song for the last three hours and screaming those two words of it! We have _all_ received the message, I assure you!"

"Okay," Light replied simply. "Just wanted to make sure."


	154. Light Comes Out 4, Fashion Sense

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Project Runway.**

**Characters: Light, Sayu, Soichiro, Sachiko**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thank you Kari Twilight Mist. And, by the way, excuse me while I get sickeningly stereotypical. I promise I don't think like this in real life.**

* * *

Sayu wanted to watch Project Runway, and since it was her day to decide what they would watch for their One Hour of Enforced Family Togetherness, Project Runway was what they watched.

Light saw his opportunity and grabbed it.

Summoning all his considerable charisma, he summoned to his mind Tomas, a boy he had gone to high school with (and, incidentally, fucked once or twice), and who was the most stereotypical femme gay guy Light knew of, besides himself.

He patiently waited for a particularly ugly outfit to strut its way down the runway, then unleashed a lisped fury. "Bitch, _please_. Those clothes are _f-u-g-l-y_! And, like, I can do my makeup better on a _bad_ day than these ladies, for real. And grrl? What the fuck is up with those _pumps_? What, was the designer, like, _blind_ or something? And her hair! I just wanna rip it _off! _Oh my _flying spaghetti monster_!"

His parents and sister had been chatting pleasantly, but now they went silent.

And for the finishing touch, Light added: "Pssh. Where is Louie Vaton when you _need_ him?"

Sayu crossed her arms and leaned into the back of the couch. Smugly, to her parents, she said, "Ha. Told you guys."


	155. Light Comes Out 5, Cake

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Suggested by LittleMissAnthrope! Don't be offended if I don't use an idea you suggested. It doesn't mean it's a bad idea, it means that there's already a chapter similar to it or that I can't think of something to do with it. :) **

* * *

"So, Ryuuzaki, I have some cake for you," Light said cheerfully.

L was instantly a puppy wagging his tale. "Light-kun?" he asked, hopeful. "Really?"

"I wouldn't lie about cake, Ryuuzaki!"

"Why is Light-kun speaking in singsong?"

"Don't worry about itttttt..." Light sang, skipping out of the room. He came back moments later with a very large sheet cake.

He put it down in front of L and then turned on his heels and took off in the opposite direction, running out of the room and slamming the door behind him.

L, bewildered, gazed down at the cake.

In big, rainbow letters, it said, _'I'm gay!'_

As he dug into the cake, eating the rainbow first, L wondered what Light actually wanted to tell him, because there was no way that _this_ was actually expected to be news.


	156. Light Comes Out 6, Sanitary Foodhandling

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

**A/N: Thank you, Ruin Takada!**

* * *

"Mmm... Light-kun..." L gasped, running his hands over the smooth skin of Light's back, pressing their bodies closer together and thinking murderous thoughts at the fabric that was still between them.

"R-Ryuuzaki," Light panted back, kissing him hard, shifting his knee to have it rubbing against L _just_ right.

"Want you."

"Not in the Task Force pantry, Ryuuzaki."

"Why not?"

"We keep food here. You of all people should know about sanitary food-handling procedures."

L grunted, acknowledging that he did, in fact, realize that it would be inappropriate to get it on in their present location, when Soichiro had the misfortune of opening the door looking for coffee grounds...

And finding, instead, a mess of locked lips and limbs so tangled and hair so disheveled he couldn't tell what belonged to which boy.

He _could_ tell, however, what two boys made _up_ this pile of body parts.

His son and his temporary boss.

Realizing the intrusion, they scooted away from each other, but it was pretty much too late to deny exactly what had been going on.

Light looked at his father. "Hi," he said unabashedly. Then he looked at L. "This is my dad. I believe you've already met him." Light looked back up at his father. "Dad, this is your son's boyfriend."

Soichiro and L nodded mutely at each other.

"Can you give us a minute, Dad?" Light sighed, raising an eyebrow and making a face that told Soichiro it was clearly time to close the door.

"Oh! Uh, yeah. Sorry, boys. Um... carry on," he said awkwardly, closing the door.

It was silent for a moment.

Then, through the door, they could hear: "Boys, please both use a condom if you're going to be doing that on our food."


	157. Light Comes Out 7, Psych

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Task Force**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thank you, Mademise Morte!**

* * *

"Members of the Task Force," Light said firmly, arms folded militaristically behind his back, pacing back and forth. "There's something you all should know."

He frowned and looked at them sternly.

"I'm Kira."

Ryuuzaki's eyes went wide...er... and Soichiro gasped. "Light! No!"

Light's face broke into a grin. "No, I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm not Kira."

His father sighed in relief, holding his heart and relaxing back into the couch.

"I'm just gay."


	158. Safeword

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, 'Romance'**

**A/N: One of my friends came up with this a long time ago. :)**

* * *

Light lay there, panting, wincing at the bruise marks _everywhere_ and the searing pain in his rear end.

"I hate you," he growled through gritted teeth.

"Yes, Light-kun."

"No. Really. I hate you. _So_ much."

"I apologize for your pain, Light-kun, but you never said the safe word."

"Ryuuzaki, the safe word was _yukurere_."

"No it was not. It was _ukulele._"

"I said it over and over again!"

"You did not."

"Yes I did!"

"You said something along the lines of-"

"I'm Japanese! I can't pronounce L's!"

"That is a very racist statement, Light-kun," said L innocently. "I expected better of you and-"

"I get to pick the word next time!"

"But-"

"Either I pick the word or you get _nothing_!"

"...Light-kun may pick the word next time."


	159. Yo Mama

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: A, B**

**Genre: Humor, horror?**

**A/N: I understand that this isn't a glaringly original idea, but my roommate came up with this and I couldn't pass it up. XD Yes, I was lucky enough to end up with another yaoi fan who likes Death Note. It's a pretty awesome setup.**

* * *

"You scream like a girl."

"Your _mother_ screams like a girl," A snapped, mothers being a touchy subject at an orphanage.

B's smile was slow, stretched, and chilling. "Yes, she does, in fact. Or at least she did when I peeled her flesh from her bones, piece by piece, and then fed them to her."

A edged away from B, and no one within earshot could even blame him.


	160. Dysfunction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Romance, Fluff**

**A/N: I dunno about this one. But it has been in my head for a long time and they can't ALL be good. XD**

* * *

Light and L were sitting together quietly for once. Light was typing away, trying desperately to find _something_ to prove that he wasn't Kira. Because, at this point, when everything was beginning (to the genius eye) to point to him, it would be just as much of a relief to _Light_ as it would be to L. Light hoped that he (Light) was objective enough that, if he proved that he was Kira, even without knowledge of it, he would put himself away. Turn himself in.

He hoped so, but he _was _human. He couldn't predict for certain how he would act under the threat of death.

And it _would_ be death- he didn't hold any illusions that Kira wouldn't be murdered in jail. Just as cops would kill a cop-killer, criminals would kill a criminal-killer.

It took him a few minutes to notice that he was the only one typing.

He looked at L, and his heart clenched in his chest.

"Ryuuzaki!"

The man was limp in his chair, crumpled up. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly slack. He looked... but no, he _couldn't_ be... did Kira...?

Light sprang to his feet and clutched L by the shoulders, shaking him. "Ryuuzaki!" Terrified, desperate, he clutched him to himself, head darting around for possible venues of assistance, and L's body was cold... but was it colder than usual? Or was he just...?

Light couldn't order his thoughts. He couldn't think- "Ryuuzaki!"- what to do and- "No! Wake up! Wake _up!_"- he was going to die and then he would be dead and there would be no L and...

"_Ryuuzaki_!"

Sharp tears of relief sprung into Light's eyes when the form in his arms stirred, opened his eyes, looked at him calmly, and blinked. "Yes, Light-kun?"

Light tried not to sob. He failed. "What was _that_?" he whispered into L's hair. "Don't do it again. What _was_ it? Did you have a seizure?"

"No, Light-kun," L replied soothingly. The way he was being crushed in Light's arms was probably painful, but he knew it wasn't the time to squirm. "I merely passed out."

"You _passed out_ randomly and you're not concerned?" Light tried to sound annoyed, and for the most part he managed it with his tone, but the way he held him, the way his face was in L's hair, the way he was squeezing him almost breathless, indicated otherwise to L.

"No, it is a regular occurrence. I remain awake until my body overthrows my mind and instructs otherwise."

"And you just... pass out," Light concluded.

"It is what I do," L said softly. "How I function. It has been like this for as long as I can remember."

"...Well, it's not normal," Light attempted to grumble into his mop. "You should get an actual sleep pattern."

"I do not know any other way. For me, this _is_ normal."

"Get a regular pattern," Light ordered L's scalp.

Gently removing himself from Light's vice grip (up by 2 percent for a vice grip), L instead put his arms around Light. "Do not worry."

Light sighed, forced his still-clenched muscles to relax. "Why haven't I seen this before?"

"The last few times, it has occurred while you were asleep."

"Those days I thought you were letting me sleep in?"

"I was quite unconscious, as well."

Light shook his head. "You scared the living hell out of me, Ryuuzaki."

L knew he wasn't expected to apologize again. Instead, he kissed the corner of Light's lips.

"...Go back to sleep," Light ordered.

L chuckled. "Yes, Light-kun."

"I'll watch out for you... make sure you don't roll out of the chair and hit your head..."

"I would appreciate that," L said with mock solemnity. "Goodnight, Light-kun."

"Goodnight."

Smiling to himself, L tucked himself back up in his chair, and only a few moments later he was once again asleep.


	161. Outing the Death Note Boys Conclusion

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Soichiro, Gelus**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: No more suggestions, please. XD I can't finish all of them. I'm sorry. I'm out of ideas. You have defeated me. XD Also, I'm not longer accepting suggestions for Light Comes Out. Believe me, there are more than enough and you'll hate the arc by the time they're all done. :)**

* * *

"Okay, I've got a few more ideas," Soichiro declared.

Gelus woke up from the nap he was taking. "Took you long enough."

Ignoring that, Soichiro suggested, "Misa's father!"

"So, you know the guy that killed Misa's family? Well, he was Misa's father's secret lover. He and Misa's father made a suicide pact but Misa's father backed out because of his love for his family. The lover got pissed off and killed them."

"That's horrible."

"I know it."

"Mikami's father?"

"Why do you think he wasn't in the picture? His wife kicked him out when she found out he was gay."

"The guy in the movie that Light killed on the train to prove that he was Kira?"

"He was on the train to go visit his lover. He was on the train on the way to the international airport. He was going to meet Quarter Queen from LABB in the United States and finally confess his love. They had gone to school together in Ireland, both foreign exchange students, and they fell in love but never told each other. Quarter Queen cried a lot when he found out Kira had killed him. He really was a queen though. Ironic, with his name."

"The guy who came to get a sketch from Linda?"

"He was totally checking Roger out. You should have been there. Roger was really uncomfortable with it, too."

"Those two guys who were jealous when Light and Takada were together?"

"They were jealous of _Takada _for being with _Light_."

"The police officer receptionists who tried to help Naomi before Light got there?"

"He knew Light's name. Right off the top of his head."

"The waiter that served Misa her sundae at the café?"

"He was really excited to meet her. Originally one of the other waitresses was assigned to that table, but Take- that's his name- was just so ecstatic to meet her that he shoved the other waitress down the stairs so that he could have Misa's table. The waitress survived, by the way. Anyway, Take recognized her from her lip gloss commercials. It was the same lip gloss _he_ uses and he just _had_ to meet her."

"The food delivery guy that was paid to use his truck to help Mogi and Misa sneak out with their equipment!"

"How are you coming up with these! Mu! Well, the delivery guy really has two other jobs, the delivery service is just one of many. He _has_ this many jobs because he and his lover decided to adopt an AIDS baby, and the kid's medical bills are so high that he has to work all the time, and the baby's maintenance is so high that the lover has to stay home and take care of it constantly. Poor kid."

"Okay. Volume seven. Page 150. Standing next to Mello."

"What the hell is wrong with you? Did you go looking through the book to give me a hard time?"

"Yes."

Gelus sighed. "Fine, whatever. That guy- he's made it with both Rane and Igloo. Same time. _In_ Igloo's igloo."

"Hideki Ryuga- oh, wait, I can answer that one myself. The hair."

"Actually, he became an actor because, when he was 15, he had a much older lover that abused him. And that lover told him every day that his dream of becoming an actor was impossible, that he was a terrible actor, that he should give up, etcetera. Well, Hideki Ryuga eventually got away from that dick and became the most famous idol in Japan, at least for a while, just to prove his old lover wrong."

"Taro Kagami."

"The death eraser kid? Why do you think he brought those boys back? _Guilt_?"

"The guy who was messing with the girl on the train. The one Mikami killed. He was looking up a _girl's skirt_."

"He wanted to see what that looked like for a girl."

Soichiro opened his mouth. Soichiro closed his mouth. "I give up. Every single guy in Death Note is gay besides you and me."

"Yep."

"How did that happen?"

"Who knows?"

"And why were we spared?"

"Because we're the most stable, predictable, and consistent characters in this series."

"I see..."

They were quiet for a long time.

"So... you wanna...?" Gelus suggested.

"No," said Soichiro firmly. "_Someone_ in this series has to be straight."


	162. Snuggie

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Snuggie.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Suggested by Ellan54.**

* * *

L shuffled by, thumb to his lip, gaze distant. He was probably thinking thoughts that were beyond the understanding of the average human being, and maybe that's why the sight he came across caused him to actually stop in his tracks.

"...Light-kun?"

The boy was curled up on the couch, holding a book, which wasn't unusual. No, it was the zebra stripes that caught his attention.

Light glared at him. "What. WHAT. Got something against my Snuggie? Huh? Does it _bother_ you that I have a zebra-striped Snuggie? Does it _offend_ you?"

"No, Light-kun."

"Am I not allowed to be _warm and comfortable_ or something, Ryuuzaki? Is _that_ how it is? Is it? IS IT?"

"No, Light-kun," L repeated, sighing, and shuffled away.

When he was almost out of earshot, he heard from far away, _"DON'T JUDGE ME!"_

With Light, you had to pick your battles.


	163. Sassy Gay Friend

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: If you haven't see the YouTube videos for Sassy Gay Friend, this will be REALLY random to you. :)**

**Also, I removed the previous chapter, am expanding it, and will post it as a oneshot because I was told to. **

* * *

"Wh-what... what... what are you _doing_?"

The grin that stretched across Matt's face was so large as to be frightening. Unnatural.

Mello, meanwhile, had slapped his hand over his mouth.

"No... WAY..." Matt said. "Mello..."

"I didn't mean to!" he burst out. "It was just a coincidence!"

But it was too late. Matt was already on the floor, clutching his sides.

"This situation..." he gasped, laughing, "...Could have been avoided if she'd had... _fuck, Mello I can't breathe_... a sassy gay friend..." he managed.

Mello, bright red, turned and stormed out of the room.


	164. Leaving Love

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Angst, Romance**

* * *

"Why is _this_ the one you choose to stand up for?" I begged quietly, trying not to let my desperation slip into my voice. Probably failing. "Mel, when was the last time you kept the Sabbath holy? You kill people, steal stuff... you took out five and six when you _killed_ your _parents_. Mello..."

Normally I would never bring that up. They were abusive bastards who had cornered him and nearly beaten him to death- he had shot them in self-defense. It was totally justified but I still didn't talk about it, because, well, when a guy kills his parents, he's understandably uncomfortable about it. The fact that I even hinted that I was aware of this was a testament to how I knew I was losing him. And how I _couldn't_.

Judging from his expression, he knew it. His eyes softened but they didn't surrender. It was over.

"It's the only thing I haven't fucked up. Gotta protect that, Matt. No choice." He was reverting to sentence fragments, which he sometimes did. Never to _me_, though. Before now, anyway.

"Like it matters at this point," I snapped. "Ever heard of going to Hell thoroughly?"

"Matt."

"Mello, just don't leave. I know it was going in that direction but we don't have to, like, sleep together or anything. Hell, you don't even have to touch me and-"

"You're the only one I could love. Consequently, the only _man_ I could ever love. If I'm away from _you_ then I won't be in love, and I won't be in love with a man. Never will be."

Damn it, more sentence fragments. "But-"

"It's the only way. This is better for you, too, you know. Don't wanna drag you down with me."

"But-"

"I love you. _A__lways_ loved you. But you'd better go find someone else, because I there's nothing I can give you."

And he gently but firmly closed the door in my face.


	165. Indecent Exposure

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Matt, Mello, Near, Watari**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: And the most manly guy in Death Note is... none of them. None of them are manly. XD**

* * *

"I'm clearly manlier than you," Matt replied with a frown. "Look at these arms." He flexed. "Clearly manly."

"Yeah? Then why do _I_ top?" Mello challenged. "This hair means nothing. I'm all man."

"I'm more of a man than either of you," Light interjected. "_I've_ dated _girls_."

Mello gave him the finger, and L rolled his eyes.

"The sex of one's partners does not determine one's masculinity, Light-kun. Take, for example, myself. I have never experienced sexual intimacy with a female, but I am clearly more masculine than any in our present company."

"I think it's time, gentlemen," Near said solemnly, "that we 'break out' the rulers."

They all eyed each other.

"...Or we could just, you know... _not_ and say we did," Mello suggested.

"Worried you'll lose?" Light asked innocently.

"_Oh _believe me," Matt piped up. "Mello would _not_ lose that contest."

"Matt has never been with anyone but Mello," Near pointed out. "He has never _seen_ any other-"

"So what!"

"I am still of the opinion that rulers would be-"

"Shut it, Sheep!" Mello snapped.

"I agree with Light-kun," L said. "Mello is afraid that he will lose. I also agree with Near; that it would be prudent to, as the saying goes, 'settle this once and for all.'"

Mello practically roared. "For the last time, I'm _not-" _Watari opened the door "-going to show all of you my dick!"

Watari spun on his heels and left, closing the door behind himself.

He had bathed Mello as a child. He had also walked in on various activities that required nudity in which Mello was participating.

He didn't need to see any more of Mello's naked body than he had already seen, thanks.


	166. You're Now My

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks, korn4457! By the way, it's Mello's birthday. But I didn't have anything with Mello in it. D:**

* * *

Light swiveled his chair to face L.

"I'm gay," he said in a flat monotone. "You're gay. We're both gay, and everyone knows it. We're both hot. We're both smarter than anyone else in the world."

"Light-kun?"

"Basically, you're my bitch now. Just so you know."

And he crossed his legs, swiveled back, and resumed typing as if nothing had been said.


	167. Embarrassing Crushes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Willy Wonka.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Dialogue!**

* * *

"Come with me... and you'll beee... in a world of pure imagination..."

"Matt."

"Take a look... and you'll see... into your imagination..."

"Do you have to bring this up?"

"Living there..."

"MATT!"

"Yes, Mello?"

"Don't do that."

"I'm just trying to remind you of better days."

"Well, don't-"

"Those long-past, simpler times, when- simple, innocent child in Wammy's that you were- you had a crush on Willy Wonka..."

"...Shut up!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Oh yeah?"

"But, you know who can, Mello?"

"There's no safe answer to this question so I'm just gonna-"

"The candy man. The candy man can."

"...I really hate you."


	168. Gravity

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L**

**Genre: Humor, Alternate Ending**

**A/N: My friend's cousin pointed this out. XD You know how in the intro to Death Note, L dramatically does a kick off of a building? Well...**

* * *

Dramatic Death Note theme music pounding through his ears, L sprang off the edge of the building, spinning, completing a perfect kick. The moment was brimming with symbolism and significance, and L, at that moment, was bursting with pride.

Then he realized something.

He had just sprung off the edge of the building.

L had many abilities, but flight was not among them.

It was sad that the series had to end so soon, but gravity is a very harsh mistress.


	169. Neat Freak

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I love writing about Light. It makes me smile.**

* * *

L was bored.

Light was a neat freak.

Watching Light spaz was one of the most entertaining things L knew of.

The math practically did itself.

The best part of the whole thing was, in L's opinion, the fact that Light had no idea he was a neat freak. Seriously. Not a clue.

And so, for the seventeenth time that day, L made sure the chain of their handcuffs scattered Light's stuff all over his desk. He then watched as, for the seventeenth time that day, Light, seemingly unconsciously, steadily reorganized everything- grouped the pens by color, alphabetized his files, and arranged his paper clips in a way that the world's three greatest detectives had yet to decipher the pattern behind.

He wasn't even aware that he chuckled to himself until Light turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. His reaction reminded L that he didn't really laugh a lot, and he made a mental note to self-examine that aspect of his personality at a point when he was no longer handcuffed to Kira.

"What's funny, Ryuuzaki? Surely not the Yotsuba statistics."

"I find Light-kun amusing," he said casually.

"What about me?"

"The fact that you are a neat freak."

Light frowned. "A neat freak? I'll admit to being a bit of a perfectionist, but you don't see me cleaning obsessively or trying to make you bathe or organize your desk."

Looking Light directly in the eye, L lifted his arm in just such a way so that Light's pencil cup- containing exactly 8 pencils of exactly the same length and sharpness- was toppled, casting its contents across the surface of Light's part of the long desk.

"See?" Light said patiently, picking up the pencils, righting the tin, "Clearly, I'm not a neat freak."

L almost burst out laughing, because it really _was that_ funny to him that this brilliant, observant man was completely unaware that his hands were moving. So, instead of bursting Light's bubble, he just smiled and said, "Yes, Light-kun."


	170. Another Parody

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Soichiro, Sachiko**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks ahysea! If anyone want a visual, look at chapter 17 of the manga. I took the dialogue from there. It's amazing what changing only a few words will do. XD This should be similar to the chapter about the tennis match.**

* * *

Light knew there were cameras in his room. He was sure of it. So, really, he had to find a way to convince the police that all the security on his door (the slip of paper, the door handle, the piece of pencil graphite) was for the purpose of hiding something... something that _wasn't_ the Death Note, of course.

Porn.

And not just _any_ porn.

Soichiro stared in horror at the screen as his son brought out a porno magazine.

"This... is the last thing I ever imagined my son doing!" he declared, appalled.

L was unimpressed. "He's 17. It's only normal. But... to me... it looks like he's making a show of saying, 'I was checking if anyone entered my room because I have gay porn stashed inside.'"

Soichiro did a dramatic side profile, his glasses slipping down on his nose, sweat beading up on his forehead. "Ryuuzaki... don't tell me... that my son is a homosexual?"

"Yes, he is... I've placed bugs and cameras in your house and the deputy chief's because everyone in both homes is a suspect. They carried out a brief search of the house when they installed the cameras. But they seem to have missed all those magazines he's hiding there."

They watched as Light complained about the magazine, put it away, and went downstairs for dinner, where Sayu had put on a music program about Hideki Ryuga.

Light didn't bitch nearly enough when Sayu insisted they leave it on.

L turned to Soichiro. "The probability of your son being gay is 98 percent."


	171. Hath No Fury

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Matsuda**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS! And happy birthday Misa! XD Even though it's the twenty-seventh now.**

* * *

"Fuck you, Touta Matsuda!" the woman shrieked, slapping him across the face. With a final swirl, she whipped around and stormed away, leaving Matsuda, bewildered, gaping after her.

"You would be wise to follow her, Matsuda-san," L said sagely. "After all, the saying is true- Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Matsuda nodded wordlessly, breaking into a run after the girl.

"Right, Light-kun?" L asked innocently once Matsuda was gone.

Light nodded sharply. "Right." A beat. Then, "HEY!"

"_Now_ why is Light-kun yelling?"

"You called me a woman!" the younger male accused.

"I did not," L lied. "I simply asked you to confirm that the rage of a scorned female outweighs that of Hell in ferocity."

"And why would you ask _me_ that, unless you were indirectly calling me a woman!"

"Perhaps I was suggesting that Light-kun is a heartbreaker and would most likely have had several women angry with him over the course of his life. Only a very insecure person would jump to Light-kun's conclusion."

"Must my sexuality and/or masculinity be called into question in every chapter?"

L nodded seriously. "In a very high percentage, Light-kun. Yes."


	172. Drop Dead

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: No one important**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: George died. I buried him and it was very depressing. I now have Sam, who is much nicer but just doesn't have the same heart. It's all very sad.**

**However, happy new year!**

* * *

In his frustration, Carl didn't hear the TV announcer in the background as she reported that Kira was now killing criminals who were already in jail. "You know what, Tom?" he said through the little prison phone, held on the other end by his long-incarcerated big brother, "Just drop dead, all right?"

Angrily, he slammed down the phone, glaring through the glass at his brother...

Who had, in fact, dropped dead, his left arm clutched to his chest.

Carl stared, and then stared at his hands, eyes wide.

As the prison doctors rushed around his brother, Carl slowly edged away.


	173. Transfer

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Near, Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

**Request for Room Transfer**

**Name:** Near

**Current Rank:** 1

**Age (must be at least ten for single room):** 14

**Current Room Number: **201

**Requested Room:** First available

**Reason for Request:** Proximity to Matt/Mello's room. Always loud; either fighting, breaking things, or...

**Intended Date of Room Change:** ASAP. _Please._


	174. Can't Unsee

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I finished my BB cosplay and took a bunch of pictures. My favorite one is on my DeviantArt, if you wanna go see it. :P Obviously my dA name is Dlvvanzor. Keeping in mind that I'm not a professional photographer or a professional cosplayer.**

* * *

Mello shot up in bed, eyes wide, gasping for breath, clutching at his Wammy-issue sheets in a cold sweat.

Matt, roused by the chaos coming from his best friend's half of the room, actually leapt out of bed, sleepily casting about for an assaulter.

"Mello! What happened!" he finally asked upon determining that they were not under immediate attack.

"Dude... fucking weird-ass dream..." the blond said, rubbing his eyes. "_Fuck_ that was a weird one."

"You've gotta stop eating the toffee chocolate before bed."

"No lie."

"So, was it turtles or leprechauns?"

"Neither, actually," Mello mumbled. "And you know what? I don't wanna talk about it. Go back to sleep."

The redhead rolled his eyes. "Seriously? After all we've been through? All the times we've walked in on each other? All the times we've nearly gotten expelled together? After having to clean the _entire_ attic with toothbrushes together and then finding an old chest of women's clothes and trying on the dresses? After cutting our palms and becoming blood brothers? After-"

"I had a sex dream about you!" Mello blurted.

Matt burst out laughing. "Seriously? Who was I fucking?"

"_I _was fucking _you_, actually," Mello said cheerfully. "I would clearly be the man in this relationship."

Matt raised an eyebrow and gave Mello a once-over. "Whatever gets you through the night, man."

"I _would_!"

"Why are we even still _talking_ about this?" Matt demanded. "We are _way_ past the point where we can forget this ever happened!"

"Why can't we forget this ever happened anymore?"

"Because we've _discussed _it! All right. Go to bed and we won't mention the little gay wet dream you just had about your best friend."

"Fuck you," Mello said mildly, agreeing, and getting back under his covers.

"In your _dreams_."

A long while of comfortable silence passed between them.

Then, Matt's voice-

"Hey, was I good?"


	175. Close Encounters ofthe Heterosexual Kind

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, romance**

**A/N: Lots of postings in other fandoms. I'm unloading things that have been sitting around in My Documents for a while. :)**

**Title is squished because it was one letter short of fitting. XD**

* * *

Mail "Matt" Jeevas used to be straight.

...

No, really.

For about five full minutes he believed himself to be completely, irrevocably in love with a person who was female.

And then Mello actually _spoke_ and it became clear that that- the last part, anyway- wasn't the case.


	176. L's Deduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thank you, ellan54! This was supposed to be a Light Comes Out, but since he isn't actually coming out in this fic, I gave it a different title. :)**

* * *

Cameras flashed, and a prominent leader of Japan squinted through the blinding light as he said, "To confirm what you've all heard..."

The room went silent as even the reporters held their breath.

"Yes."

There was an audible gasp.

"It is my misfortune to announce at this press release that Japan has declared homosexuality illegal."

The room went nuts, hundreds of reporters speaking at once, and Light, from where he was watching TV, jumped to his feet.

"What?" he raged. "That's totally unfair! How can they make it illegal to be gay? What _is_ this? I'm going to move to England or San Francisco or something! _What the fuck_? What _is_ this _shit_?"

L silenced him with a glare and leaned closer to the TV, putting a thumb to his lip and frowning as a particular reporter finally got called on.

"What influence do you think this will have on Kira's regime? Do you think that Kira will begin to kill homosexuals?"

"Well, Kira enforces most of Japan's laws... I don't know why _this_ would be any different, but of course I can't say for sure..."

L turned around slowly and then grinned creepily at Light.

"What?"

He didn't explain, simply turning back around.

Over the course of the next few weeks, no homosexual people were killed unless he or she had committed some crime for which punishment would have been exacted before.

"Light-kun, I have come to a conclusion."

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked warily.

"Kira is a homosexual."

_Fuck_.

"Well that narrows it down to a certain percentage of the population..."

"Forgive me if I am mistaken, but in the interest of the Kira case... is not _Light-kun_, in fact, homosexual?"

Light's eyes went wide. "PSSH, NO. ME?" he said too loudly. "OF COURSE NOT. I'M DATING JAPAN'S TOP MODEL, AREN'T I?"

"Light-kun is correct. But he has never actually showed a fondness for her..."

"I'M DATING HER FOR HER BODY."

"Light-kun..."

"GO VAGINA! WOOO! YES! VAGINA!"

"Light-kun, _please_."

"THOSE THINGS ARE _AWESOME_. AND SO ARE BOOBS. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE BOOBS?"

L sighed. "Yes, Light-kun."


	177. Scary Movie Night

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, any of these movies, or A Christmas Carol.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I'm aliveeeeee! Stupid. College. Although I love it, it is not conducive to writing. Add a lack of inspiration and a rapidly growing addiction to cosplay, and that equals no writing. Angst.**

**

* * *

**Contrary to popular belief, I was not a fan of scary movies.

Contrary to any form or order of logic, L- the same L who never watched TV except for the news and whose idea of a vacation was to take on an additional case- _was_.

It wasn't so bad the first few nights. Initially, he had us watching things like, oh, Saw. Saw is gross and disturbing at parts, but it's not really _scary_.

But then he gradually started increasing the intensity. The Village. The Ring. The Exorcist. Paranormal Activity.

And yeah. I know people are going to argue that those aren't scary movies.

But guess what?

The third ghost in fucking _A Christmas Carol_ scared me, okay?

And L knew this. I _know_ he knew this because I very explicitly expressed my discomfort the whole time these movies were on. I tried closing my eyes, but the soundtrack was enough to make me too scared to keep them closed. I tried closing my eyes _and_ plugging my ears, but then L just bitched at me for making the chain rattle. I _begged_ him to turn it off or put another movie in. L only glared and resumed watching the slaughter on the screen.

Yet no one ever accused _him_ of being Kira. Asshole.

I bet if _I_ watched gruesome horror movies and _laughed_ like L does, I'd already be in jail by now.


	178. Suspicious L

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

L wasn't sure, but he was starting to suspect that something had been going on with Matt, lately.

For one thing, he just seemed... happier, lately. Bouncier. Calmer, which was saying something because the boy had been calm _before_. More... complete, or something. He had also been walking funny... kind of bowlegged.

And Mello, the boy's best friend? There was something fishy going on with him, too. He had started to smirk all the time and suddenly he was dressing in leather midriff shirts and really tight pants. He kept singing things like "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and doing some kind of gesture that involved a flopping wrist motion. He had also picked up the verbal tic of "Bitch, please."

Matt was following Mello around more, touching him more, looking at him more, and Mello seemed fine with it. Hell, the usually-cold Mello seemed _more_ than fine with it, and in fact touched back and even occasionally held Matt's hand. It all struck L as very, very fishy.

And then there was the fact that Matt kept singing "I Kissed Mell-o and I liked it..." Yes, L was starting to suspect... and he was, after all, the world's three greatest detectives.


	179. Boobies

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Happy birthday, Matt! I couldn't come up with a fic that was Matt-based in time. XD Freaking philosophy paper. As a side note, it is also the birthday of a character from one of my original stories. His name is Luke. He's dead, but it's still his birthday. XD**

* * *

L was zoning out. This was not an unusual occurrence and generally speaking, most of the people who knew L knew that the times he stared into space were the times he was deepest in thought.

This time, he just happened to have zoned out in the direction of Light.

However, the subject of his contemplation _was_ the boy. As L stared, light-years away (no pun intended), he considered his captive.

He had to be Kira. Light was so... different than everyone else. So remarkable, so brilliant and confident while remaining wildly insecure in his deepest of hearts, where maybe even _he_ did not see it. Who else in the world was like Light? No one. And how could the greatest serial killer of all time be anyone else?

As if feeling L's eyes on him, Light turned around. He frowned, but L didn't notice, lost in the twists and turns of his own mind.

After a few long moments, Light looked down at himself, tracing L's gaze.

"Ryuuzaki..." he said slowly...

L looked up; Light's voice always had a way of snapping him back to reality, whether he wanted it or not.

He met Light's gaze. So young, but his eyes were deep, complex, and cold underneath the carefully-faked compassion and the brilliance that he-

"...Are you staring at my boobs?"

Never mind.


	180. Paper Cuts

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Ryuk**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This came from The iPod Addict a long time ago. It was originally going to be very dramatic and angsty with some really horrible side-effect, but after several months of no ideas for it, I made it a Shorts and Sweets. XD**

* * *

"Ow! Shit!"

Light dropped the Death Note, sending it clattering to his bedroom floor, its pages crinkling as it landed, open.

He popped his sliced finger into his mouth, sucking at the blood that blossomed there. He didn't even realize that Ryuk was laughing until he bent down to pick the notebook back up.

"Something funny?" he snapped.

"Yeah, actually. What do you imagine happens to someone who gets a paper cut from the Death Note?"

"...They bleed a little?"

"So, you really think there's gonna be _no consequence_ to the page of a magical murder notebook being introduced to your bloodstream?"

Light opened his mouth. "You... get the Shinigami Eyes for free?" he asked hopefully.

"No, Light." Ryuk was 'hyuking' to himself in that way that Light knew from experience was very, very bad. "Read the fine print."

Light squinted at the page, and then his face went white as a sheet.

_The Human who gets a paper cut from this Note shall..._

* * *

**Fill in the blank! What do **_**you**_** think happens if you get a paper cut from the Death Note? It can be funny or dramatic, whatever. :D**


	181. Chocolate Bandit

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

Characters: Mello, Matt

Genre: Humor, dialogue

A/N: Thanks, Alli! *huggle*

**Go. To. MangaBullet. Join Guns and Games, which is a MxM fanclub. The voice actor of Matt... the English one... they've gotten an interview with him. If you're a member of the club, you can submit a question by Sunday (Feb 20, 2011). Whatever this man says... will become canon... he holds so much power over us at this moment...**

* * *

_"...And in other news, the Los Angeles Chocolate Bandit has struck again, holding up a convenience store at gunpoint and shooting two people, taking nothing out of the cash register but every chocolate-related item in the store. The MO fits that of two previous attacks which..."_

"Mello..."

"No, Matt."

"Mello, are they talking about you?"

"No."

"Mello."

"It's not me, dammit!"

"Don't lie to me. You _know_ what I do in retaliation when you lie to me."

"Fuck."

"Mello, are you the chocolate bandit?"

"I..."

"Mihael Keehl, are you the chocolate bandit or not?"

"...Maybe..."


	182. Dance with the Devil

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Light**

**Genre: Romance, Filler lol**

**A/N: It's been way too long... and all I have in reserve is this bad, cheesy one. XD But college is crazy and spring break isn't for two weeks. So, there will be more fanfiction at that time.**

**It kind of ends outta nowhere...**

* * *

Light blinked in confusion as L stood in front of a wide, shallow, polished wooden box. One thumb in his mouth as usual, the detective struggled with the heavy lid of the box for a few minutes until he finally managed to prop it up. Using only two fingers was not conducive to efficiency.

"Um..." Light took a few steps closer to see what the box was, see what L was fiddling with in it.

It soon became evident. He heard a telltale scratching sound and then music.

Wordless, sweet, and achingly sad.

L's hand lingered on the record player's tone arm for a moment, tips of his fingers grazing the stain almost lovingly. As if snapping himself out of a trance, L shook his head sharply and looked up at Light through his hair. He gave him a small half-smile.

"It belonged to my parents," he said conversationally. "It is all I have. Just a record player."

Light squinted at him as if it would help him understand the strange man. L had never told him anything about his past. Squinting, at this point, was going to do little to no good.

L didn't seem to care that he wasn't saying anything, anyway, his gaze turned inward again at a particular phrase in the music. It was lonely in a way that only a cello can really achieve, and in the dim room, in the otherwise-abandoned Investigation Building... Light subconsciously rubbed his wrist where the handcuffs were until only a few hours ago, watching his favorite enigma. Who it was his duty to kill. Who he had to kill, no matter how he...

"Ryuuzaki?"

L jumped and pretended he hadn't so well that Light himself questioned if it had even happened.

"Dance with me?" L murmured.

Light discovered at that moment that L was capable of a smile that could only be described as _adorable_, and his heart rate almost doubled. He frowned, trying to control it. He failed. "...What?"

"Dance with me," he repeated. As if Light hadn't understood him the first time.

Light twitched at the implicit insult to his intelligence. "_Why_, though?"

L held out a hand, offering no further information.

Trying to make a face that made him appear reluctant, Light rolled his eyes and took the hand. L's fingers were long, thin, and cool, and when he wrapped his own around them he found himself interlacing them. Repressed urges sucked sometimes.

But L didn't seem surprised. He simply squeezed back and gently pulled Light closer.

Light put his arms over L's neck, and L's face flickered in smug approval at the surrendered dominance. As it turned out, L was a good dancer. Logically, Light supposed this shouldn't have caught him off-guard. L was amazing at everything, right?

But he knew where to put his hands, how much pressure, how much force in his leading, how to keep them intimately close without breaking eye contact.

The cello was joined by a piano, the volume and intensity arising in an agony of emotion.

Tears stung at Light's eyes, those pre-wetness prickles that start in your nose. His gaze didn't leave L's for even a moment.

It was impossible to look away.

Because for the first time, L wasn't wearing a mask, and Light could see every single thought and emotion rushing through his eyes.

There was fear, but only a little. And there was acceptance. There was regret, loneliness, sorrow... and love.

So much love that Light wasn't able to see straight for a moment.

His heart clenched and he suddenly knew- he _knew-_ how everything was going to end. He would kill L. Succeed in doing so. And then someday, probably not even too far in the future, he would be killed as well.

He also knew at that moment that he would be hysterically glad to go. He'd probably laugh like a madman on his deathbed.

Really, could he ever have expected it to end any other way?

"I'm Kira," he said.

L sucked in a breath and his eyes snapped shut. He froze in his movement but didn't let go of Light.

Finally: "I know," he whispered.

Light sighed and pulled L a little closer, resuming the swaying. He murmured, "What are you going to do?"

L was quiet for a long time. The song had come to an end and L still had not answered. They stood together in silence, L staring at the floor, Light staring at L, the room dead still as if it, too, were waiting to hear what L would say.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"We will let it play out as it must. You will kill me. My successors will kill you. It cannot unfold in any other way."

"Successors?"

After a slow, exhausted look, L put one long, thin finger on the other man's lips.

"Be still, Light-kun."


	183. Corned Beef and Cabbage

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Happy belated Saint Patrick's Day! XD**

* * *

"Mello, it's Saint Patrick's Day and we're at a restaurant, for once. You _can't_ order a chocolate sundae for dinner."

"Sure I can. _Watch_ me."

"You've gotta get corned beef and cabbage, Mels. It's just _wrong_ not to!"

"I'm not Irish."

"Everyone is Irish on Saint Patrick's Day."

Mello stared at him. "_What_?"

"I said everyone is Irish on-"

"I _heard_ what you said, asshole, I'm just trying to figure out how the fuck that makes any kind of sense whatsoever."

"It's just a saying. Like 'kiss me I'm Irish.'"

"But you _are _Irish. It doesn't make any sense at all to say that everyone suddenly gains a different ethnic background on one particular day of the year!"

"Just get corned beef and cabbage. It's tradition."

"I'm not eating anything with 'corned' in the name. It sounds like feet," he countered flippantly, tossing his hair, crossing his legs, and daintily holding the menu, flipping through pages.

"Get corned beef and cabbage or there will be no Irishman for you to kiss later."

Mello put down the menu and glared. Matt stared right back, unperturbed.

When the waitress came around, Mello got the corned beef and cabbage special.


	184. Free Hugs

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Fluff, Humor**

* * *

"Light-kun, would you believe me if I told you I had never been hugged?"

That... was not a sentence you hear every day.

Slowly, I turned to look at him.

As usual, he was sitting in his pseudo-fetal position, his legs drawn up underneath him. He was looking at me with his huge panda eyes, his thumb tugging at his bottom lip. His hair was as disheveled as ever, possibly a little longer from the passage of time, but that only succeeded in bringing out his porcelain skin. He shifted in his seat and I got a whiff of him- sweets, strawberry shampoo, and newspapers.

Quite frankly, he was _adorable_.

And so, "No," I said bluntly. "I wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because you're too damn _cute_ to have never been hugged."

L made a noncommittal sound and swiveled his chair back to his computer. We typed for a few minutes in silence. Then, "Why do you ask?" I said suddenly.

"I was curious," he answered vaguely, then refocused on his work.

"Ryuuzaki, _have_ you ever been hugged?"

"No, Light-kun."

"Seriously?"

"No."

"Wait. No, you're not serious? Or no, you're confirming you haven't been hugged?"

"The first one."

"Oh."

"I believe Watari hugged me once when I was small. Have_ you_ ever been hugged, Light-kun?"

For some reason, I _really_ felt like he was asking me if I was a virgin.

"Of course I have," I sighed. "This may be Japan, but it's not like we _never _touch."

"I see."

It was quiet for a few more minutes.

"Does Light-kun really think I am cute?"

I sighed again. He had that affect on me. "Like a stuffed panda toy," I confirmed.

"It is traditional to hug plush toys, is it not?"

"I don't know if I would call it _traditional_ but..."

"Then would you care to hug me?"

The Great and Powerful L, omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, was asking me (in his standard, roundabout way), for a hug. If I hadn't spent the last few weeks _chained_ to the man, I would not have been able to catch the faint glint of hope in his eyes. He _needed_ a hug. And clearly he needed one badly enough to accept it from someone who he believed to be Kira.

So I obliged.

I got to my feet, tugging on the chain to make him stand as well. When we were level, I pulled him into me and brought him close, tight, and warm. I gave it my all; my absolute best hug, and held him for a long few minutes.

Finally, I released him, sitting back down.

L, however, just stood there, staring at nothing.

"You okay?" I asked eventually.

He shook his head, returning to his seat. "Yes."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I have merely never been held like that."

"Not even by your parents?"

"My parents were not... _fond_ of me."

"Oh."

There's nothing like child abuse to end a conversation.

"Um..." I said awkwardly. "Well, I'm here, any time you want another one."

He nodded and prodded my shoulder, holding out his arms exactly like Sayu used to and with a _very_ upsetting jolt I realized I was in love with him. _Fuck_.

"I will accept another hug at this time."

I rolled my eyes and held out my arms. "Come here."

He hugged me tightly, then took his seat again.

A few minutes later-

"Light-kun?"

"Don't push it."


	185. Therapy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Ryuk, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor, Alternate Ending**

**A/N: Points to anyone who knows why I had him drawing architecture but being unable to draw people. Hint: Think historical figures.**

* * *

Light looked over, and where there had only moments ago been empty space, now, framed by lightening, was some kind of hideous, clown-like monster, cackling in a distinctly 'hyuk' sort of way.

Screaming, Light fell out of his chair, eyes huge. He couldn't stop. In that moment, when the monster finally came to take his soul for using the Death Note he had found a few days ago, it wasn't worth it. The God complex, the dissatisfaction, the anger, the loneliness, the _boredom_... he should have _dealt_ with it, he should have... he should have...

His door burst open, forcibly kicked down in a way that was _so_ cop that it could only be his father.

"Light! Son! Are you okay?" He ran over to him, collecting him up off the floor, holding him tight for the first time in ages. "What's wrong? You were screaming so much..."

If Light had been more in his normal state of mind, he would have realized that pointing wildly at nothing and shrieking, "MONSTER!" would get him put into intensive psychiatric care.

On the other hand, it allowed him to learn to live with his strange hallucination following him around everywhere, as well as, through therapy, to discover that art (especially drawings of architecture, although he discovered a serious deficit of talent in the realm of drawing the human figure) is equally as effective as genocide in defeating boredom.


	186. Invonteve Sphellling

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: No, I'm not done with this fic, nor am I done with fanfiction as a whole. I just went to college. XD Kinda distracting. Actually, it has been so long since I've written something that it's going to take me a while to get back in the groove. But no, I'm not done.**

* * *

Light Yagami was good at many, many things. In fact, he was good at almost everything.

_Almost_ everything.

The one thing he couldn't do- the one thing he had struggled with for as long as he could remember- was spelling.

Eventually, a pattern in Kira's killings became apparent to the general public: anyone with a name that was difficult to spell was never killed. Once this pattern was noticed, and once Kira became more and more brutal, people got smart:

"Sarah" became "Seeiriehahiah."

"John" became "Joohawninin"

"Taylor" became "Taiayailaur."

And that is how inventive spelling saved the world.


	187. ADD

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Light laughed, the madness that he was less and less able to contain, lately, leaking into his voice like poison. "L Lawliet," he said, breath leaving him with delighted little chuckles, his shoulders shaking, his clavicles sharp from the Death Note's acid influence, his hair faded, his eyes dull. "I finally have you."

Almost hysterical now- but no, he had crossed that line a long time ago- he picked up his pen. His favorite pen, actually, because L Lawliet deserved the best.

With another, equally-demented giggle, he put the pen to the Notebook's page, forming each beautiful letter of the strange man's name one at a time.

_L_... honestly, who knew that it was really his name all along? Sneaky little bugger...

_L...A...W... _oh, the law, law and order, law and justice, law and lawlipop L L L...

_L...I...E..._ a lie. His law was a lie, haha, look at that. L Lawliet's name, L Law-Lie. Lie lie lie L L L...

Oh! Shiny!

Something sparkled outside his window and he took a minute to gaze at it appreciatively. It was enough time for Watari to walk in, see what was happening, and snipe Light. Then he burned the Notebook.

And that is how the world was saved by attention deficit disorder.


	188. Predictions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Light**

**Genre: Romance**

**A/N: I know. Everything is at a dead stop. Why? I stopped writing for so long that it's gonna take a while before I can get back in the groove. Don't give up on me. XD**

**I really feel like I had a fic or a chapter of Shorts and Sweets called Hindsight but I can't find it...**

* * *

There are some things you just don't see coming.

In retrospect, L supposed, it should have been obvious. Really, thinking back now, it was perfectly obvious where handcuffing two young men would lead... two stunning, brilliant, infuriating young men, one completely inexperienced in sex and love and the other so used to constant _stimulation_ that he considered two weeks a dry spell. How could he have not seen the potential conflict of interest? Take two such people, handcuff them together, and leave them alone together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for, so far, a month- he knew enough of psychology to know that proximity is the largest indicator of who a person will...

And L was _supposed _to be observant. Although, especially for L, it had always been much more difficult to predict events that immediately involved himself. Even The Great and Powerful L couldn't be expected to completely remove all traces of this bias: it would be absurd to expect such a thing, and he was going to keep telling himself that until he believed it.

Because, again, _he should have been seen it coming_. It's not like there were no signs. They fought too much, touched too long, stared too hard, and talked too extensively. Had L had a single other friendship in his entire life, he might have realized that this was _not_ a standard one. Everyone _else_ could see how they felt about each other: some kind of twisted, furious, hateful, worship-love between the boys who no one else had a shot with. L could see it now, and it was obvious. He _should_ have predicted it.

But now, here, as Light lay curled up in his arms, naked, and, in his sleep, buried his nose into L's side; as a small but genuine and very, very worried smile graced L's lips, the world's three greatest detectives knew that he never _could_ have.

Love- or the sick cousin of it that was the closest thing to love either of these boys was capable of- was never something you could predict.


	189. Smelly

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Romance, Humor**

* * *

The fact that Matt smelled of smoke- _reeked _of it, more accurately- had never bothered Mello.

Everyone else in the world? It drove them crazy. People would avoid him on the streets, actually circling out of their way once they got a whiff of him. He was kind of a sweaty guy, and somehow this served to amplify his stink, broadcasting it within a several-foot radius. People would look at Mello like he was insane for walking right next to this person, seemingly unconcerned. How could it not bother him?

The truth was that it simply _didn't_. Matt had smelled like that for as long as Mello could remember. To him, that particular stench was the stench of _home_. Of rest. Of happiness, of comfort... of love. Association is a very powerful thing, and Mello had simply always associated this terrible odor with the one he loved.

Mello hated that Matt smoked, of course. Told him almost every day that he was gonna get cancer and die, and informed Matt (in what the smoker knew to blatantly be a lie) that he wouldn't even cry at his funeral if he died of lung cancer. Matt would always just shrug, laugh, and point out that there was little chance that either of them would get old enough to die of cancer.

In keeping with this, when it was becoming obvious that they actually _weren't _going to get old enough to die of cancer, thanks to Kira, Matt began to smoke even more- a _lot_ more- and this time Mello didn't say a word. The increased cigarette intake made him even smellier. Mello didn't say a word about this either. To him, it simply meant that Matt smelled _more_ like home, _more_ like rest, _more_ like happiness, comfort, love. And it just made him adore Matt even more, made him even more desperate to save them from what he knew was inevitable.

So, Mello had never minded how Matt smelled. Even when it made people comically choke on the air, babies in carriages cry, and old ladies give him the fieriest of glares, Mello just didn't give a crap.

Besides. He had blown out his sense of smell on coke _years _ago.


	190. Staying Informed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Watari**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

L was staring intently at his computer screen, clearly very deep in thought.

Wammy, gazing at him fondly, had been around L long enough to know when to talk to him and when to let him be. This was a moment to leave him alone. If the genius needed anything, he would let the inventor know because he knew from experience that no matter what it was, Watari would take care of it. Because that's what Wammy did... what his greater purpose was. L couldn't do the things he did- saving the world, for all intents and purposes, a thousand times over- without him. He had been around L long enough to know that.

"Watari, please bring me a tube of Chap Stick and a hockey mask."

"Why do you...?" Wammy started, then froze. "No, never mind."

In addition to all the philosophical stuff, Wammy had been around L long enough to know that if L didn't tell him, he really didn't want to know.


	191. Beastly

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matsuda, L**

**Genre: Humor, OOC**

**A/N: I'm listening to one of the Death Note soundtracks I have. For the hundredth time, I'm realizing how impossible it is to convey through writing the feeling that the score lends to the show. Especially the Kyrie, L no Kako, and the Coda. Then here I go writing Shorts and Sweets, where not a single person is in character, and even when they are, they're IC with the fanfiction interpretation of Death Note, not the world of the anime. XD The feel of Death Note fanfiction and of the anime are so different.**

* * *

"And once again, you're right, Ryuuzaki," Matsuda conceded.

L jumped to his feet. "YES!" He slammed his fist down onto the desk. "I was RIGHT! I am a BEAST!"

For a moment, the entire world stopped dead in its tracks.

Including L, as he realized what he had just done.

"...I would thank you not to convey to anyone what you have just witnessed, Matsuda-san," he said seriously.

"Already on Facebook."


	192. Pica

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Suggested by The iPod Addict a long, long time ago. Companion to chapter 104, "That Probably Has Side Effects."**

* * *

"So, what you're saying is," the doctor paraphrased, "you ate a small piece of a magical notebook that kills people."

"Right."

"And you did this in order to hide the evidence that you had just killed someone with this piece of paper."

"Correct."

The doctor rubbed his temples. "I'm sorry, Yagami, I just don't think there's anything I can do to help you with this problem."

"Are you telling me that in med school they don't teach you how to save people from ingesting bits of magical murder notebooks?" he demanded.

"No. No, they don't."

Light scoffed. "And you call yourself a doctor."


	193. Poking

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thank you, Alli!**

* * *

"Ow! Quit it!"

Matt didn't say a word, continuing to devote all of his attention to his game. Not entirely unused to Matt ignoring him under such circumstances, Mello rolled his eyes, shook his head, and resumed building his model of the original Hershey's factory.

"Ow! Matt, quit poking me! I want to get this done before class."

Matt made a noncommittal noise, still not looking up from his loudly beeping GBA.

Only a few minutes later-

"MATT! DAMMIT, IF YOU DON'T STOP POKING ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'M GONNA BASH YOUR PIMPLY FACE INTO NEXT WEEK!"

Seemingly unmoved, Matt simply continued playing as if nothing had happened.

_POKE._

"...Someone paid you, didn't they," Mello said flatly.

"Twenty bucks. I have to do this every five minutes for the rest of the day."


	194. Sit!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Watari, Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

L jumped to his feet, too, and met Light's insults head-on. "And _you_, Light-kun, are pretentious, _prissy_, uncooperative, and self-centered!"

"At least I have some semblance of personal hygiene, _Ryuuzaki_!"

"I would much prefer to have a _soul_ than I would to have nice-smelling-"

"Are you saying I'm Kira?"

"For once, what we are fighting about has absolutely nothing to do with Kira! But now that you have brought it up, allow me to bring that into the discussion! Kira!"

"I'm not Kira, dammit!"

"Then why-"

Watari appeared in the room, pinching the bridge of his nose. "This is becoming absurd. Children, sit down."

L turned a relatively hairy eyeball on him. "Watari, I object to your terminology. At 25 years old, I feel that I can hardly be considered a child in any sense of the-"

"SIT DOWN."

L turned white and sat his ass straight down on his chair, snapping his mouth shut and casting his eyes respectfully to the floor.

Child or no, Light had been in his chair since the _first_ warning.


	195. Easy Bake Oven

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Matsuda**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks Sen-chan21!**

* * *

"...We're smarter than this."

"If Light-kun hadn't thrown away the instructions, we would have had our mini-cake _baked _by now."

"It's called _Easy_ Bake Oven. I didn't expect it to be _impossible_ to figure out! Where the hell are you supposed to put the little pan? And what's this plastic arm thing?"

"There appears to be a slot on this end."

"There's one over here, too."

"Perhaps we are supposed to prop open the flap of the slot with the plastic arm?"

"I don't know... I guess we could try it..."

The geniuses fiddled with the child's toy, failing miserably, too distracted by their efforts to notice that Matsuda was walking by.

"Hey guys. Is that an Easy Bake Oven? Cool! I had one of those when I was a kid." Happily, he put the pan on the plastic arm and easily slid it into the oven. The light popped on. "There you go!" he said cheerfully. "Let me know when it's done! I'd love to eat those little cakes again!" And he moved along, oblivious.

"Ryuuzaki," Light said after a moment.

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Why is Matsuda smarter than us?"

"I don't know, Light-kun. I don't know."


	196. Eru

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Watari, L, Assorted other voices (Light, Matsuda, Soichiro)**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Watari, I do not want to go to Japan," L said moodily. "I do not like Japan."

"Why not? It's a beautiful country with lots of art and culture. By all means, it seems to me like it should be one of your favorite places. Besides, your grandmother was Japanese."

"I do not care."

"Why not?"

L huffed but didn't answer, simply getting up and sulking his way to his room.

* * *

"Eru, what do you think of this statistic?"

"I think it's irrelevant."

"Eru, where is the stapler?"

"On the table as it was last time, Matsuda."

"When are we going to focus on Yotsuba, Eru?"

"JUST CALL ME RYUUZAKI!" L exploded. For a moment, the room was silent. "For security reasons," he added hastily. "Yes. For security reasons, I want you to call me Ryuuzaki from now on."


	197. Your FACE

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"So," L speculated, turning big, blank eyes to Light after studying the inside cover of the newly attained black notebook, "it appears that my name is necessary if Kira wants to use the Death Note to kill me."

"Your FACE is necessary if Kira wants to use the Death Note to kill you!"

L stared. "Yes. Yes it is."


	198. Escape

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Light yanked hard on the chain connecting him to a thoroughly unmoved Ryuuzaki. "_Why." Tug. "Won't." Tug. "It." Tug. "Come." Tug. "Off." Tug tug tug tug._

"Light-kun, please stop doing that."

"No," he insisted. "I want to get _away_ from you."

"Is it because you are Kira?"

"No, I just _hate_ you _so much_," he whined.

"Light-kun should rest assured that I am not overly fond of him, either. But I must insist that you refrain from trying to remove your wrists from these handcuffs."

"Works for me!"

Furiously, Light sunk his teeth into his upper arm.

"Light-kun! What are you doing!"

"Attempting to gnaw off my arm in order to escape you," he replied matter-of-factly, his voice muffled by his clothes and his skin.

"Did I not just finish telling you to cease your attempts to dislodge yourself?"

"No. You told me not to remove my wrists from these handcuffs. And so I'm going to gnaw off my whole arm." He was apparently not joking, because he resumed.

L sighed, fishing the little handcuff key out of his pocket. "If you are willing to _gnaw off your arm_, I supposed that you are serious. I will come up with another method of keeping you under surveillance."

Arm finally free, Light pulled it close to himself, protectively.

After a moment of rubbing his wrist to return circulation to it, Light's eyes narrowed. He turned his head dramatically and stared off into the distance.

_Excellent._


	199. Careful With Those Sugar Cubes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Alternate Ending**

**A/N: Thanks, Rekhyt!**

* * *

L locked the handcuff around Light's wrist.

"Well... it's better than being in confinement," Light sighed.

"Indeed," L said sagely, taking his seat again and popping a sugar cube into his mouth. "As inconvenient as this may be, it is significantly better for your psychological- Kkhhhuuullk!"

"Ryuuzaki?"

L was turned blue, motioning to his throat with his hands.

"He's choking!"

"Does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?"

No one did.

L gradually turned bluer and bluer, until he was no longer moving.

For a long time, nobody moved. For a few more minutes, Mogi and Aizawa stared at the body. Then they looked up at Light, who was staring at Ryuuzaki's corpse, wide-eyed.

Finally, Aizawa broke the silence. "Ryuuzaki... did say... that if he died in the next few days, Light was Kira..."

"You're right."

They shrugged at each other.

Light remained in prison until he died a month later of a heart attack.


	200. Moustache

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

* * *

Matt braced himself for confrontation. After all, he was about to challenge Mello. While it wouldn't be fatal (he was Matt, after all), it wouldn't be pretty.

Because Mello liked his new moustache. It was big, it was long, it was bushy, and Mello liked it. And, generally speaking, Mello got what he wanted. If anyone had a chance at making it go away, though, it was Matt.

It had gotten so bad that Mello's underlings had actually approached Matt (which was a lethal offense. Literally. He would actually shoot them if he found out they broke the 'Stay the Fuck Away From Matt' rule, which had 42 subsections) and _begged_ him to take action, because they were losing the respect of the other branches of the Mafia.

Matt was happy to do it. Because, seriously? Matt loved Mello madly, eternally, and unconditionally, but the moustache...

And so, that night, Matt cornered his boyfriend.

"Mello."

The blond raised an eyebrow. "Matt?"

"We need to talk."

Mello's face changed completely.

_Huh_, Matt thought. _Apparently even Mello can feel fear._

"Is this..." he started, shakily.

"No, no, not breaking up with you. Ever. No, I just think we need to have a conversation about the moustache."

Mello's hand went to the horrible thing subconsciously.

"What about it? Is there something in it?" He combed his fingers through the bristles.

"No. Well, probably some wildlife, but Mello... I love you but... I hate the moustache."

"...What?" Mello asked, big-eyed.

"The moustache. I hate it. I just... really, really hate it. Like, a lot. I hate it a lot. A _lot_."

"Oh, uh..." Mello blinked a few times, and Matt's shoulders relaxed a bit because he now knew he had won. Also, Mello wasn't screaming. But he had to tread carefully. "I can't see your _face_," he said sweetly. Which was sort of part of the reason, maybe. "I miss it."

"Well, what if I made it shorter?"

"Mello, I was being polite. You want to know the real reason?"

A spark of temper flared through Mello, but he bit it back. "Yes, Matt, why don't you grace me with the real reason you want to defile my face."

"Because... it makes you look like Watari," Matt lied.

Mello's mouth dropped. He spun around on his heels and marched straight to the bathroom.

Matt smiled. Mission accomplished.


	201. Bronie

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matsuda, Soichiro, (Sayu)**

**Genre: Humor, (Romance?)**

**A/N: This is when Sayu is in college, by the way.**

* * *

"I'm sorry, Matsuda, but I'm just not comfortable with you dating my daughter."

"But Chief, I _love_ Sayu! I would treat her so well!"

"I'm not going to change my mind about this. I can tell you that _right_ now."

"Why?"

"Because you're too old for her. You knew her when she was a _child_, Matsuda."

"It's not like that!"

"Then what is it like?"

"You're right. I'm a lot older than her. But she's way more mature than me!"

"I won't argue with that."

"I'm like twelve at heart."

"That doesn't actually change the fact that you're too old for my daughter!"

"But I'm not!" Matsuda protested. "Sayu's so amazing and smart and funny and cute and I'm so _totally_ younger than her at heart! I still have my stuffed animals, Chief!"

"...Do you sleep with them?"

"Well, no. But, um... I'm totally a virgin! And Sayu's clearly not-"

Soichiro glared at him.

"...Clearly not any different from me in that regard!" Matsuda edited hastily. "And, um, I'm also not too old for her because... um... oh! Because I still like Carnival rides and candy and peanut butter and jelly and video games and swimming pools! And I have to wear water wings because I can't swim!"

"This isn't going to work, Matsuda," Soichiro sighed. "Give it up. You're still just too old for her, despite your admittedly childish tendencies."

"I'M A BRONIE!" Matsuda yelled.

For a moment, the entire world froze in its tracks.

"...What did you just say?"

"I'm a bronie. I am. I love the show and I watch it all the time."

"Really?"

"Yes! So, clearly, I'm not too grown up to date Sayu!"

"Yeah. No. You've just now made that painfully clear."

"So, I can date her?" Matsuda asked hopefully.

"No."

"Why not? I proved I'm not too old, right?"

"You did," Soichiro conceded. "But now I think _she's_ too old for _you_."


	202. Keeping Secrets

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Doom 3, or SC2.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Romance**

* * *

Matt had a secret.

It was the one thing he had never told Mello and never, under pain of death, _would_.

It was that Matt was infinitely smarter.

Sure, Mello was brilliant. Sure, he could probably give Stephen Hawking a run for his money in a discussion of theoretical physics. Sure, Mello was definitely one of the smartest people on the planet and, if he weren't so obsessed with Kira, could probably be making some hardcore scientific discoveries.

But Matt was smarter.

He also knew, though, that being the smartest was important to Mello. It meant everything to him, and he had sacrificed everything to be the best. So Matt did the same thing, in a way, and let his natural laziness and love of video games overtake his intelligence. Because, as he had always believed, that's what love is.

Mello had a secret, too.

It was the one thing he had never told Matt and never, come Hell or high water, _would._

It was that Mello was infinitely better at video games.

Sure, Matt was drop-dead amazing. Sure, he could probably give IdrA a run for his money at Star Craft 2 and had once beaten Fatal1ty himself. Sure, Matt was definitely one of the best gamers on the planet and was internationally recognized as _-playagame?-._

But Mello was better.

He also knew, though, that being that good was important to Matt. In fact, it was what he prided himself on and it meant just about everything to him. So he let his natural drivenness and love of academics take over and his God-given gift for gaming, throwing himself into his studies without looking back.

Because, as he had always believed, that's what love is.


	203. Angry Birds

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, Alternate Ending**

**A/N: This idea is courtesy of Sarah1281 and SpeedDemon315. We were walking to dinner and this kind of just happened. Also- I've never actually played this game.**

* * *

L peered at Light where he sat on his office chair, hunched over his iPhone, apparently oblivious, for once, to everything around him.

"Light-kun..." L started.

"Shh!"

Taken aback, because L quite honestly couldn't remember _ever_ being told to "Shh!" before, the world's three greatest detectives most certainly did not shut up.

Instead, he insisted with, "What are you doing, Light-kun?"

"Playing a game."

"Really, Light-kun. Playing video games on your cell phone when you're supposed to be working? I would think that was beneath someone of your professionalism."

"Shut up. This game is like crack, okay?"

"There is a game based on crack cocaine? It appears that there truly is 'an app for that,' regardless of the subject matter..."

"No! I mean the game is addicting. I really want to beat this level... and I'm _not_ gonna pay the dollar for the Mighty Eagle or whatever!"

"The... Mighty Eagle?"

"Yeah. Angry Birds. Phone game."

"Ah... yes, I have heard it is rather addictive..."

That night, long after L had fallen asleep, Light was still up playing.

Had he been awake, L would have heard, over the sounds of city traffic far below, Light mumbling to himself in the darkness, "I'll take this angry bird... and fling it!"


	204. Reversed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt, Near, Quillsh, Roger**

**Genre: Humor**

**SPECIAL A/N: I'm considering a new profile pic. Would anyone like to draw one for me? I'd like it to have C and B like my current one, but I'd like them to be drawn by the same person so that they're actually in the same style. All credit would go to you and I'd promote you like CRAZY. If you're interested, please contact me.**

**A/N: So, you see fics where Watari or Roger walk in on some combination of MMN. But you don't really see...**

* * *

"Come on," Matt demanded of Near and Mello, who apparently couldn't stop punching each other long enough to do any sneaking. "We have a limited window of opportunity, here!"

"Yes, Mello," Near said monotonously, landing a surprisingly hard one on Mello's shoulder. "Do hurry. We wouldn't want to miss our only chance to go poking our nose where it doesn't belong, now would we?"

"Shut up, Sheep. They go through _our_ stuff all the time."

"I find your 'eye for an eye' justification for betraying our benevolent guardians disturbing."

"Shut _up_," Matt hissed. "I have my hand on the doorknob, here. Maria might be in there cleaning and she's not _that_ deaf, so just _be quiet_ until we know it's clear! Can you stop fighting for a consecutive three minutes?"

The glared off in opposite directions of each other.

Accepting that as a yes, Matt crouched down and carefully, slowly, silently opened the door...

"Dear sweet holy God, whatever I did, I'll never do it again!" The door wasn't open for a moment before Matt's hands were over his eyes and he was calling out to Mello's God for mercy and forgiveness for all his sins. Alarmed, Near and Mello grabbed the door and pulled it open all the way, revealing something they would have preferred to have never, ever seen.

Needless to say, Matt's horrified petitions to the God he didn't believe in had more than alerted the thoroughly naked Roger and Watari to the boys' presence.

The elderly men froze in each other's arms. Mello and Near froze as well. Matt dropped to his knees and started in on the Kyrie Eleison.

It was a very traumatic moment for all concerned.

When everything unthawed and Matt could be made to stop screaming, the boys evacuated and went back to their rooms to try to get the image out of their brains before it imprinted.

None of them ever, ever mentioned it again.


	205. Middle Names

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Watari**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Ryuuzaki," Mr. Wammy said suddenly. "Something occurs to me."

L looked up from where he was typing heartily, close to a breakthrough on his newest case. "What would that be, Watari?"

"It occurs to me... I am the only human being alive, other than yourself, who knows your name, correct?"

"That is correct."

"And yet, I do not know your _middle _name. Do you have one?"

"I do," L confirmed. "My mother insisted."

"What is it?"

L didn't respond.

"Ryuuzaki?"

Still he said nothing.

"Do you not trust me with this information?" the old man asked, more puzzled than offended. He had been around L long enough that it had become impossible to offend him, say what you will.

"It isn't that," L said finally. "I trust you with my life, and with L's. I'm afraid that my hesitation is based less on a desire for security and more on... well, embarrassment."

Watari blinked. "You are embarrassed of your middle name?"

"My mother was... a bit of a free spirit. One might have called her a hippie without stretching the truth too extensively."

"So it is an unusual middle name?"

"To say the least. She was inconsiderate enough to name me a _letter_, but I am most disappointed in her selection of middle names..."

"I find myself curious."

"Sunshine."

"...What?"

"Don't make me repeat it," he said, and his tone was _almost_ begging. "L Sunshine Lawliet."

"I... understand why you don't share that."

"Quite. Now, with your permission and cooperation, Watari, let us never speak of this again."


	206. SOPA

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Because SOPA.**

* * *

"Good morning, Mello."

"Good morning, Matthew."

"It is, is it not? The sky is very blue today, although I pray you will forgive me for saying that the temperature is a bit lower than my liking."

"Indeed, Matthew."

"On to other matters, then. Would you be agreeable to having a pleasant discussion about the current political climate?"

"I would like that very much, Matthew."

"You know what I have heard? I have heard that here, in the United States, where we are, the Internet is going to be censored."

"But that is where I come into the possession of my homosexual pornography!"

"Indeed. It is also where I store my fanfiction."

"What is this monstrosity of a law that the United States government is attempting to pass?"

"To put it simply, my friend, the proposed law is related to copyright. If it passes, any website that does not immediately go down to protect itself will endure an onslaught of new rules. Thank, if you will, of a landlord and his tenant. As you know, the noble _landlord_ will receive punishment as well if his _tenant_ is caught in the act of smoking or otherwise consuming marijuana. This results in a very careful landlord. He will not rent out his rooms to someone of questionable character. It is similar with SOPA—the Bill— and the owners of websites. Would you be willing to be responsible for the millions of users of your website? I suspect that you would not. It would then be in your best interest to just remove your website, would it not?"

"My goodness, Matthew. This is a serious problem."

"Both your beloved pornography and my beloved fanfiction, among many, many other popular websites such as Tumblr, Reddid, and YouTube, will be fatally affected by the legalization of SOPA. Your currently free adult materials will probably no longer be free. Tumblr, Reddit, and YouTube will, most likely, simply disappear."

"And fanfiction dot net? I know how important that website is to you, old friend."

"I am sad to say that fanfiction dot net would be greatly harmed. At the minimum, the website will be forced to implement a multitude of new rules. However, I fear the worst."

"You mean...?"

"Yes. I predict a devastating fatality."

"But why would fanfiction be targeted?"

"If SOPA passes, it will be possible for writers and artists to sue the website for using their material. Currently, writers and artists can request that fanfiction dot net remove the category for their work. In the event of the passage of SOPA, they will have the ability to actually press charges. How could any website survive such an onslaught? Considering how many millions of users many websites have?"

"Matthew, I must say that I believe this to be a tragedy."

"SOPA has catastrophic implications for small business owners, courageous entrepreneurs, whose business relies heavily on the Internet."

"But approximately 70% of the United States economy is founded on such brave pioneers!"

"I am very well aware."

"My dear boy! In that case, it seems like it is very important for every person we know to tell every person they know! I agree that it is, in fact, in our best interest to assure that this well-meaning but devastating piece of legislature is never put into implementation. How can we prevent this disastrous turn of events?"

"For now, we are still in the possession of free speech, so this moment would be the opportune one. If you find yourself agreeable, you are welcome and able to sign one of the many online petitions, found almost everywhere on the Internet. I myself signed the petition associated with Google. Of course, you are under no obligation to do this if you are in support of the well-meaning but misguided Bill. If you wish to sign the protest, however, I am certain that many people would thank you, including fanfiction authors with odd names comprised of seemingly random letters who like to use us to rather transparently discuss SOPA while being able to call it fanfiction."

"I think I will go sign the protest."

"I agree with your very wise decision."


	207. Ballet Mom

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Roger, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks, Alli!**

* * *

"Soooo," the particularly cutesy woman sitting next to him trilled, "Which one is yours? Aren't they all just precious?"

At this moment, Roger had to make a decision.

There were several options open to him. He could say that none of the little ballerinas were his and look like a serious creep. He could lie about which _one_ was his, but then he ran the risk of picking the _woman's_ daughter. Or he could tell the truth.

Telling the truth wasn't a desirable option, though, because the little girl that Mello had just _shoved_ looked a lot like the lady asking him this question. Also his tutu was slipping. Roger would have to make alterations on it tonight... when had he become a ballet mom?

As embarrassed as he was, he didn't want to deny the poor child. He had had enough of that growing up, and so had Roger himself. So he braced himself and pointed. "The boy is mine. Grandson."

"That's a b-..." The woman's smile froze a little, but to be fair she tried really hard to not let it falter.

"You must admit, madam, that from a social equality standpoint this is really a giant leap forward."

"You should be very proud of him. He is an excellent dancer."

Roger watched as Mello kicked a different little girl in the shin. She went down hard.

"Oh, yes. So proud."


	208. Male Bonding

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Light, L**

* * *

Light had officially been handcuffed to L for a month.

A month of no sleep, no real food, no exercise. A month of constant work, no time alone, and no privacy. A month of being _watched_. Constantly. No matter what he did— from buffing his fingernails to taking a frigging _dump_— he was _watched_.

More important than all of that, though, more than the lack of sleep and nutrition and movement and free time and _being alone_, was the fact that he, Light Yagami, hadn't had sex in a month.

And, okay. People can go a month without getting laid. And maybe— he'd admit it— he was a bit oversexed. But he honestly couldn't remember the last time he had gone a month without being naked with someone. And the fact that L was always there? Meant that Light hadn't even been able to take care of it himself.

Light wasn't sure about L's comfort level with various things, but he was pretty sure that even _that_ man might have an objection if Light were to just whip it out and go to town. Socially crippled or no, Light was willing to bet that wanking had made it to the list of activities L had categorized as private. He had moved all over the world, lived everywhere, experienced so many different cultures where so many different things were acceptable and others weren't...

Where... different things were acceptable...

Light's very-socialized mind shied away from even thinking it. Because really, that would be gutsy and awkward, even for him...

Even as he resisted, though, he knew he would do it. Because a _month_. Nothing.

So, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, Light got comfortable on his half of the bed and whipped it out.

To L's credit, he actually managed to not spring to his feet. His face a strange combination of horror and fascination, he just watched for a moment.

Finally, when it was painfully clear what Light was doing and there could be no mistake, L managed to say, "L-Light-kun?"

"Hmm?" Light asked, a little bit breathless, looking up at L with an innocent expression.

"Do you really... think this is appropriate?"

Light shot up, covering himself, and cast around wildly. "Is there a girl in here?"

L cocked his head. "No, Light-kun."

"Oh, okay. Good. You had me scared, there, Ryuuzaki." Humming to himself, he resumed.

"But... _I_ am here, Light-kun."

"I'm aware. You're of age. Nothing's stopping you from doing it too."

"I... what?"

"Nothing's stopping you from doing it too?" Light repeated.

"Light-kun... this is not a group activity. While it is healthy and normal to do it in private, it is not appropriate to... masturbate in front of other people except in sexual situations."

"Um... I think you're confused," Light said condescendingly. "Social masturbation is fine. It's when you masturbate _alone_ that you know you're starting to develop a problem."

"...Similar to consuming alcoholic beverages?"

"I never thought of it that way, but yes, I suppose."

L stared as Light's hand kept right on going.

"This is strange to me," he finally confessed.

"Well, it's normal. At least in Japan. I've never met someone who thought it was weird, before."

L watched and watched, looking as confused as ever.

"So this is acceptable at any time?"

"Well, you have to be at least 15."

"...There are age laws about this?"

"Of course! Would you want little kids doing it all the time? Little boys in early puberty? They're not old enough for it."

"Japan is a very different place."

"You also don't want to do it if there are girls in the room. I mean, that's not _illegal_, but it would be awkward."

"I believe I know how the women feel."

"I remember when all my friends turned 15 and I was still 14. They were all like 'come on, you won't get caught,' but, you know, my father's a police officer. He'd be mortified if his son was arrested for underage masturbation..."

L couldn't think of any more to say. He just watched, captivated, as Light got to the point where even _he_ was past words, and then finished.

He calmly put himself away.

For all his brilliance, L couldn't think of a single thought to have about this cultural phenomenon.

* * *

Light felt great. Better than he had in weeks. Sure, he still didn't have sleep or real food or privacy, but that didn't matter so much anymore. Because now his penis was happy, and he could relieve himself whenever he needed to. L had even done it a few times, right in front of him! He had seen The Great and Powerful L's dick! Light had simply _had_ to join in, easily convincing L that that, too, was "normal, healthy, male bonding."

Everything was going great until month two of being handcuffed to the world's three greatest detectives.

In retrospect, he realized as he and L sat in the main investigation room with Soichiro, Matsuda, Aizawa, and Watari, and as L reached into his pants almost in slow motion from Light's point of view, Light probably should have made up some rules against doing it at work.


	209. Perfect Hair

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Poker Face.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child! Not a great ending to it but there you go. XD**

* * *

Light was bobbing up and down in his chair, typing away, singing to himself under his breath.

_"Can't deny, can't deny, that not a single strand's out of place... I have got some perfect hair... Puh-Puh-Puh perfect hair puh-puh-perfect hair... ma ma ma ma... puh-puh-puh perfect hair puh-puh perfect hair..."_

"Is Light-kun singing a parody of Lady Gaga's _Poker Face_?" L interrupted him.

"Does L know a Lady Gaga song well enough to know that it's being parodied?"

For a long moment, neither of them said a word.

Finally- "I am willing to pretend this never happened," L said in his best monotone.

"I am also willing to pretend this never happened," Light replied.

"Good. Then that's what we'll do."

And they never spoke of it again.


	210. Bless You

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: L, Matsuda**

**A/N: Thanks, BBTRekhyt!**

* * *

"ACHOO! GAH!" _Thump_.

Matsuda, the only other person in the main investigation room at the time, ran over to L as fast as he could.

He found L's chair overturned and L lying on his back like a dead insect.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, Matsuda-san," L said politely.

"...Bless you?"

"Thank you." He corrected his chair and crunched himself back on it as if this were a perfectly normal occurrence.

Although for L, Matsuda supposed, it probably was.


	211. Crying Babies

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello, Q, Baby Girl**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Happy birthday, Lucia.**

* * *

Matt picked up the baby, big smile on his face. "Oh, she's so cute!" He bounced her on his hip and she giggled madly, throwing chubby arms around the boy and gurgling like it was the best day of her life. "She's great, Q!" He grinned at the mother, a long-graduated Wammy's student who had returned to show off her new kid.

"She has a really great temperament. She just likes everyone!" Q replied.

It was all painfully adorable.

Mello, despite himself, actually really did want to be a part of it. As much as he disliked sappy things and fluff, he did crave the sickeningly domestic, having never had it. Smiling, he came a little closer to the scene.

"She's beautiful," he said genuinely. "Can I hold her next?"

Instantly, the child burst into tears.

"I DON'T GET IT!" Mello cried, taking a few steps back.

The girl was immediately giggling and cooing again.

"Why do they all hate me?" he called from far away.

"Mello, your presence just makes babies cry," Matt said. "This happens every time. Give up."

Mello pouted for a moment, and then, knowing Matt was right, stalked away.


	212. Cussing, or Not

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks, Kari Twilight Mist! **

**Premise: What if Mello never swore?**

* * *

"GOSH DARNIT, MATT!" Mello yelled from the other room.

Mello... was a Catholic. He was very devout, and I knew this. That being said, it was like he had made it his life's mission to commit every sin he possibly could. This of course was _not_ his actual goal since he was, as I said, devout, but if you were to make a checklist of everything he _could_ do wrong, you would find that he had done most of it. Lust, gluttony, wrath, greed, envy, pride, sloth... he was like a walking encyclopedia of "bad things people can do." Murder. Theft. Torture. You name it, he had done it.

There was one thing, though, he had never done. One sin which he had never allowed himself, one indulgence that most people dismiss and overlook, but on which Mello had always stood firm.

I had known Mello since the age of three and never, not even once, had I heard him cuss.

"MATT! GET YOUR CHUBBY BOTTOM OVER HERE RIGHT THIS FUDGING MINUTE OR I WILL RIP OFF YOUR WEE-WEE!"

Quite frankly, it made him a bit hard to take seriously...


	213. Bad Babysitting

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Someone suggested this a long time ago, but I don't remember who. I apologize, friend!**

* * *

"Mr. Wammy, I can't babysit today," L insisted. "I have plans."

"You will have to change them. I'm sorry. I know this is unfair, but there is simply no other option," the old man replied.

Little tiny Mello, somewhere around three years old, looked up at L with big eyes, munching on his chocolate bar.

L sighed. "Fine. I will just bring him along with me, I suppose..."

"That is an acceptable compromise. Thank you," Watari said sincerely.

L huffed, took Mello's hand, and, after strapping him into the House car he was borrowing, took off.

They arrived at the sex shop only half an hour later.

...Which L totally had a good reason to be at. A reason that had nothing to do with anything kinky. Really.

Entirely unbothered by the stares he was getting for leading a little child by the hand into a shop of such questionable content, L went straight to the back where he collected the object he needed for his distinctly not-sexual and definitely not kinky reasons. The little boy he had in tow was fascinated by all the bright colors and vibrating objects, and when he saw a small box with a big chocolate bar logo on front, he tugged on L's sleeve and pointed at it, wide-eyed.

"Chocolate body paint?" L said under his breath. "Well, I don't see why not."

Shrugging, L added it to his purchase.

* * *

"And that, Matt," Mello explained years later, "is why I am the way I am."


	214. Messy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, "Romance"**

* * *

Their lips finally broke apart, chests heaving. L looked into Light's eyes and could see that they were as glazed with lust as L was sure his were. Taking this as a hint, his hand crept down over Light's body, down, sliding under the waistline of Light's slacks, down, reaching for-

Light put his hand over L's. "No."

Obediently— L may have been an ass sometimes but he wasn't a rapist— L retracted the apparently offending appendage. He tilted his head and looked at Light curiously. "Is Light-kun alright?"

Light cleared his throat and sat up a bit, his breath still coming in gulps. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Is Light-kun late for an appointment?"

"No."

L thought for a moment. "Is Light-kun... saving himself?"

Light laughed. "No. That ship sailed a long time ago."

"Then...?"

"Ryuuzaki... I really want you, but the thing is..."

Oh no. _No_. Light was going to say he wasn't gay or something. Then L reminded himself to stay rational. Clearly, it was far more likely that Light was about to confess to being Kira, since the chance that he was Kira was 99% and the chance that he wasn't gay was .01%. He held his breath.

"I hate sex."

...That had not been what L was expecting.

"I'm not asexual or anything," Light continued. "I do _want_ it and stuff. I just... don't do it."

"Why?"

"Because it's messy."

L nodded in understanding. "That makes sense. The emotional attachments that come with sexual intercourse can often lead to uncomfortable situations, especially in the case of classmates or coworkers."

"No, I mean, it's actually just messy. Sweat. Spit. Other body fluids. It's messy and I don't like it." Light made a grossed-out expression.

L slowly put his face in his palms. Yep. This is what he got for falling for a neat freak.


	215. Nose

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Matt was standing directly behind him, and had been for a while.

While no one could predict Matt fully— not even Mello— he _did_ know that this wasn't Matt's "trolling for sex" face. This was the "I'm gonna annoy Mello, but not yet" face. And he had been standing there, wearing that face, for half an hour. The annoyance was imminent.

And Mello was right: "You are now aware that you can see your nose."

"...DAMMIT, MATT!"


	216. Note

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Author's Note**

**Characters: N/A**

* * *

Hey! As I said in the "Genre" part of the heading, this chapter is not actually a fic. I know it's against site rules to do this, but I didn't see much choice because I'm out of ideas for Shorts and Sweets so I can't post another chapter to make this announcement: that I'm out of ideas, so I'm officially going to change this collection's status to 'complete.'

Additionally, I've had a bit of a realization lately. I've been on the slash side of Death Note for so long that I never considered the potential het pairings. I generally like to be an open-minded person and I'd be loath to say that there was an aspect of Death Note that I hadn't obsessed over and examined inside and out, so I decided to sit down and think about some Death Note het pairings.

The most prominent one is Light/Misa, obviously. I intended to just start there with my pondering, but I actually didn't get any further. To my surprise, I started to "get" what the Light/Misa people see in that pairing. I have always believed there was a certain beauty to her unhealthy devotion to Light, and it occurred to me that I don't actually have a good reason for not shipping them. Did I not ship them because their relationship would be twisted? Certainly, I don't like pairings (in fiction) to be happy and good—My usual interpretation of L/Light isn't a fluffy, "true-love" kind of thing, it's the broken, sick cousin of love, because they're the only ones who could ever keep the other's attention.

The more I thought about this, the more I realized that I can apply the same ideas to Light/Misa. Misa loves Light in a way that clearly isn't love, or at least isn't the good kind. Light? He hates her initially. But, as with L/Light, they just need a catalyst. For the boys, it was handcuffs. For Light and Misa, since this is fanfiction, all the writer has to do is invent a situation. Something forces Light to see that Misa is a valid choice, or perhaps his only true choice— she's the only one he ever shows his ugly side to, the only one he'll ever be able to show his true face to, who will still love him, no matter what. I really think there is the potential for great beauty with this pairing.

As such, in addition to bringing the many-year project that is "Shorts and Sweets" reluctantly to a close, I've decided to focus much of my fanfiction-related energy on exploring where this Light/Misa epiphany can take me.

...Actually? Not a chance of either of those things happening. Happy April Fool's Day!


	217. Knock Knock

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor, dialogue**

* * *

"Knock knock."

"Really?"

"Knock knock."

"Ryuuzaki, aren't we a little busy for-"

"_Knock_ _knock_!"

"Fine! Who's there!"

"Impatient detective."

"Impatient detective wh-"

"KIRA!"

"...I'm not Kira, Ryuuzaki."

"...Damn."


	218. Haunted Chocolate

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Sidoh**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Suggested by ChocoAndCigs!**

* * *

Mello and his men were hanging out in the designated room, waiting for their plan to fall into place, when, unbeknownst to anyone there, Sidoh arrived.

"They can't see me," he complained to himself. "What a bother. Oooh, chocolate!"

The Shinigami snatched the confection out of Mello's hand and glided across the room with it in his spiny grip.

"HAUNTED CHOCOLATE!" Mello shrieked, and tore out of the room, abandoning his men, their mission, and ultimately the Mafia.

And that was the last time Mello ever ate chocolate.


	219. Spelling Bee

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This idea came from my dad!**

* * *

The judge sighed as he forced his eyes open.

"The next word is for Ryuuzaki. The word is, 'abyssopelagic,'" he said, rubbing his eyes.

"A-b-y-s-s-o-p-e-l-a-g-i-c," L replied easily, staring at his thumb before picking at it with his teeth.

"Correct," the judge replied exhaustedly, having long ago given up the pretense of excitement. "The next word is for Yagami. The word is, 'majuscule.'"

Light crossed his legs— four hours ago, the host of the spelling bee had agreed to let them just stay sitting instead of standing up each turn. "M-a-j-u-s-c-u-l-e."

"Correct." The man looked like he was going to cry, and the very last audience member left. "Syzygy," he grunted, formalities over.

"S-y-z-y-g-y."

"Tergivesate."

"T-e-r-g-i-v-e-s-a-t-e."

"Xanthippe."

"X-a-n-t-h-i-p-p-e."

"Adoxography."

"A-d-o-x-o-g-r-a-p-h-y."

"Tetrapyloctomy."

"T-e-t-r-a-p-y-l-o-c-t-o-my."

"Vigesimation."

"V-i-g-e-s-i-m-a-t-i-o-n." (L mumbled, "You _would_ know that word, Kira.")

"Witzelsucht."

"W-i-t-z-e-l-s-u-c-h-t."

"Tibialoconcupiscent."

"T-i-b-i-a-l-o-c-o-n-c-u-p-i-s-c-e-n-t."

"OKAY!"

"O-k-a-"

"No! Stop spelling, both of you! This is over! We've been here for fourteen hours and it's _enough!" _The man had finally snapped.

"Then who won?" Light asked with interest.

"I don't care! Neither of you! Both of you! I'm going home!"

He flung his microphone at their feet and stormed away.


	220. Mother's Day

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Genre: Angst, Sweetness, Mother's Day**

**Characters: Roger, Wammy's student**

* * *

It was remarkable, Roger thought, the bitterness in the sarcasm in his own head surprising even him, that 26 genius children had all managed to simultaneously forget about Mother's Day. As if ignoring it would make it go away.

Roger was angry with the inventor of the holiday. He was an orphan too, of course, so he knew exactly what it was like and it infuriated him that his 26 wards, and himself and Quillsh as children, had to suffer with memories and loss on a holiday created so that women could feel appreciated when a _good_ child would make sure they felt appreciated every day, knowing how lucky they were to have their mother.

There was absolutely nothing Roger could do about it, either, which made him feel useless. This and Father's Day were, with the exception of the catastrophe that was always Easter, the worst days of the year for him at the House and _there was nothing he could do_ but let his kids deal with it on their own. There was no homey touch he could add, no surrogate holiday tradition he could replace it with...

Roger was startled out of his reverie by a small knock at his door.

"Come in."

The door opened a crack and a little boy slipped in. "Hi," he said, not looking up. His hands were behind his back and he wouldn't meet Roger's eye. Roger internally sighed. This one wasn't a troublemaker, but there always had to be the first incident...

So, keeping his voice neutral, he replied, "Hello, T."

For a long moment, T didn't say anything. Then, all at once, he rushed forward and stuck two little hands out in front of him, depositing a tiny, terribly-wrapped, blue package on the old man's desk.

"Happy Mother's Day, Roger," he whispered. Then he fled.

Maybe there was something Roger could do for them, after all.


	221. Light TRIES to Come Out, and Fails

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Soichiro, Sachiko, Sayu**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks, Ruin Takada!**

* * *

"Light. It's very nice of you to visit us. I know you're very busy," Sachiko said sweetly as the Yagami family sat down together at the dinner table all together for the first time in a while.

"Yes, my boss decided that I'd been away from my family for too long," Light replied genially, straightening his napkin and plate. "I couldn't agree more."

Actually, L had just gotten so tired of him that he had unlocked the handcuffs and left him in Soichiro's custody. And Light had tried every excuse in the book to avoid coming home for a dinner and a night, but Soichiro wouldn't hear of it, saying Sachiko and Sayu needed to see him, it wasn't right for a mother to not see her son, blah blah blah, until Light had conceded out of sheer boredom.

So now here he was. Thoroughly against his will.

"So..." his mother said conversationally as she began to serve the food. "Are you serious about Amane-san?"

"Not really," Light mumbled.

"I don't see why not. She's absolutely lovely. I'm sure she would be absolutely delighted to provide me with some grandchildren. Don't you want a little niece or nephew, Sayu?"

Sayu smirked, glancing at Light sidelong. She had caught him making out with a poster of Hideki Ryuga the year before. "Oh, I really do, Light. _Soooo_ much."

Light made a face at her. At the same time, he answered his mother, "She's not really my type, Mom. A little bit... stupid."

"Well what about that nice Takada girl? What about her? Is _she_ your type?"

"Not so much," Light said under his breath. Sachiko didn't seem to think this was suspicious.

"What do you think her name will be?" she said instead, dreamily. "The girl you marry someday? Mika? I've always thought that was a pretty name."

"No. What about Satoshi?" Light suggested.

"What about Karen?" Soichiro offered.

"Takeshi?" Light mused.

"Oh, I bet her name will be Kikyo!"

"Tomoe!"

"Rin?"

"No, no, Yumi, definitely."

"I bet his name will be Stan," Light said loudly.

"Shina?"

"Yukari?"

"Oooh, Toya!"

"Minako! Such a cute name!"

"Kana!"

Light sighed.


	222. Or Maybe he Succeeds

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks, Rekhyt!**

* * *

Later that night, Soichiro shot up in bed.

"I think..." he said to himself, "Light might be gay."


	223. Evil Boyfriends Make Better Lovers

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Random Guy to Not Over-think**

**Genre: Humor, "Romancebutnotatall?"**

**A/N: Thanks, Alli!**

* * *

Light and L were at a party together for a totally good, valid, and plot-relevant reason. They were handcuffed, and although this was a Christmas party, conveniently no one seemed to think it was strange.

As it always did since his rise to power, the subject of conversation turned to Kira.

"I heard he's a god," someone said solemnly.

Light smirked into his drink. L either didn't notice or didn't care.

"I heard he has killed more people than Stalin," someone else countered. Light almost giggled.

"Well, whoever he is, maybe he's right to do what he's doing. It seems like the majority of people are starting to think that way."

Light couldn't hold back anymore— he threw his head back and burst into maniacal laughter.

No one really noticed except to look over at him apathetically.

Someone, though, nudged L and said, "Dude, your boyfriend is totally evil."

L shrugged. "Yes, I know," he said, gazing at Light who was still cackling. "But he is fantastic in bed."


	224. On Hold

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT ASSWIPE!" Mello shrieked as Matt walked in the door, grocery bag in hand.

The gamer didn't even blink when some object came flying at him, missing his head by inches. Mello really did have incredible aim. Always managed to avoid taking Matt's head off.

Dipping out of the line of fire, Matt paced into the living room to see what Mello was shouting abuse at, unsurprised to find that he was holding some plastic thing and smashing it into the table like someone breaking a beer bottle for a bar fight. He couldn't exactly make out what Mello was saying because it was largely incoherent screaming, but he definitely made out "cocksucker" and "gun" and "mother."

Little pieces of wood from the table were flinging in all directions, and Matt made a mental note that he'd need to wear shoes around the apartment for a few weeks, until one of them got around to cleaning up the shrapnel.

Matt realized that the piece of plastic was the landline when Mello ripped the base out of the wall and flung it into the window in their kitchen. The window didn't break, but the phone topped into the sink with a satisfying crack.

"Rough day, Mels?"

"I do not enjoy being put on hold," Mello growled, and stalked off.


	225. Strategy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, Romance**

**A/N: This idea was given to me almost two years ago by the guy I was dating at the time. Actually, I wrote a Shorts and Sweets right before my first date with that guy, and I talked about how nervous I was! XD That one. I just looked it up. It's chapter 48, Carpal Tunnel. It cracks me up when I date a guy and he starts talking about my slash ships. The prompt was, "Mello keeps his chocolate in **_**Matt's**_** pants."**

* * *

Matt and Mello stood side-by-side, trying to figure out the menu over the counter. They spoke 14 different languages between them, but none of them were Taiwanese. In retrospect, then, going to a super-authentic Tai fast-food restaurant wasn't the brightest idea they'd ever had.

"I'm so damn hungry," Mello complained.

"Then just order something," Matt sighed.

"I can't. It's impossible."

"I'm sure they know English enough to take your order."

"That's fantastic, but how do I order something when I can't say _any_ of the words? I'd even settle for butchering them at this point! But I actually just can't fathom a guess!"

Matt shrugged and pulled several bills out of his wallet. Easily, he went up to the counter and put the money on it.

"Anything."

The guy at the register looked at him funny for a moment but shrugged and did as he was told. A few minutes later, Mello and Matt were presented with a tray of something unidentifiable and presumably worth $12.95, judging from the change Matt was handed.

Diligently, well-trained by Wammy's to at least sample any kind of new food, anytime, anywhere, no matter how horrifying it looked, Mello took the tray to a table and took a bite.

His eyes went wide.

Carefully, slowly, he chewed, swallowed, and put his fork down.

"I'm not eating that," he informed Matt.

"You're the one who won't stop whining about being hungry," Matt reminded him mildly. "We only came here because you couldn't wait to get to the McDonalds down the street. And that was the last of our money."

Mello looked at him imploringly. "Do you have any?"

"Hm? Yeah, of course. But it was really hot outside, so I didn't think you'd—"

"I do."

Matt shrugged and reached down the front of his pants, bringing out a package. Of chocolate. He passed it to Mello. "Normally I'd make you reach down there to get it, but since it's so melted and we're in public..."

"I fucking love you," Mello groaned, peeling back the wrapper and expertly licking up the nearly-liquid sweet. He sighed, eyes slipping closed.

"Mello? Some of the chocolate leaked out of the wrapper onto my crotch."


	226. Locked Door

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, Sayu, (Soichiro)**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

There was a locked door in the Yagami household that Light and Sayu had never seen the inside of.

This was not to say they didn't want to, of course. Light was obsessed with knowing everything and Sayu was curious by nature. Unfortunately, although Light was a genius and Sayu wasn't actively _stupid_, their father was a cop, and when he decided that a room needed to be blocked off from his children, it bloody well stayed blocked off from his children.

Over the years, Light had subtly interviewed their mother, who appeared to know but would only say that it was Soichiro's. Sayu had given their father her very best puppy eyes, but his lips had been sealed as tightly as the door with the exception of the words, "It's not for you."

Light had calculated the size of the room. It was smaller than a bedroom but bigger than a closet, yielding so many possibilities that his mind swam. It had haunted the Yagami children for years and they had dozens if not hundreds of theories about what could be in there. Police evidence? Dead bodies? A secret passageway or a trap door? (Light, older, was secretly afraid that it was something kink-related between his parents that truly _wasn't_ for them.)

One time, when their parents were out, Light and Sayu decided it was time.

It had taken them half an hour to pick the lock, but Light had studied up for exactly this purpose so he was able to do it without breaking it or leaving any marks that their father would be able to detect.

Building up the anticipation, he opened the door slowly...

To reveal stuffed animals. Hundreds of them, mostly kittens and bears with the occasional dog and a thriving minority of unicorns, all neatly placed on shelves that had to have been specifically installed. On the shelf under each stuffed animal was that stuffed animal's name, clearly printed in their father's neat handwriting.

Hundreds and hundreds of stuffed animals.

Light and Sayu looked at each other for a long, long moment.

Light slowly closed the door.


	227. Four Greatest

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Nancy Drew.**

**Characters: L, Watari**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: It killed me both to **_**not**_** include Sherlock Holmes and **_**to**_** include Sherlock Holmes. I decided that not doing it hurt less. XD**

* * *

"Watari! Great news!"

Wammy looked up, startled by L's unusual enthusiasm, as the world's three greatest detectives came bounding into the room.

"What happened, Ryuuzaki?"

"I am now the world's _four_ greatest detectives!" he cheered.

"Oh," Watari said pleasantly. "Did you finally absorb Nancy Drew?"


	228. Moments

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: L, (Light)**

**Genre: Angst, Romance?**

* * *

Things are at their most exquisitely beautiful the moment before they fall.

...An unoriginal assertion, to be sure, but nevertheless true. I am, according to Watari, only a fraction Japanese and I quite obviously inherited very few of the behavioral characteristics, but apparently the aesthetic concept of perishibility, of _aware, _is the one of them.

To begin with the most painful possible cliché, the very last moment before the sun is gone, when the sky is dusty and a particular shade of blue and the air is mysterious. Less cliché but equally poignant: Greek tragedies, where the tragic hero struggles his hardest and is, in the end, without exception, ruined by his own character flaw. The historical Jesus Christ, and his last words before asphyxiation took him. The swan's song, although fictional. A rose spread out before it wilts.

I have been all over the world, to countries of which most people have never heard. I have seen a large majority of what there is to see. I've been immersed in hundreds of different languages, eaten foods even I could not pronounce, and slept (occasionally) in places otherwise reserved for kings.

I have appreciated beauty as it was offered in all these countries and languages and foods and grand rooms, I have seen their art and heard their music and visited their natural or historical treasures. I have walked on the streets and seen beauty as it appears there, as well, in the form of street performers and the homeless and the night sky as you can only see it where there is no light pollution.

With all that I have seen, the most beautiful instant in all the world, in all of time, was the moment I lay in Light's arms, heart no longer beating, and looked up into his sepia eyes as my own closed.

The very, very last instant that Light Yagami existed before Kira took his place.


	229. Pineapple

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This will make more sense if you understand the supposed effect of pineapple on... the male anatomy. If you don't know, you can Google "pineapple" and "men" cuz I'm not gonna be the one to destroy your innocence. XD**

* * *

Matsuda had just left the main investigation room on some task, leaving Light and L alone for the first time that day.

Quietly, L said, "I very much enjoyed last night, Light-kun."

If Light were the kind of person who blushed, he was sure he would be bright red. 'Very much enjoyed last night' was an understatement. He could still smell their sweat, still practically _feel_ L's lips when, for the first time, they wrapped around his...

"Me too," he replied.

"In spite of the obvious moral issues, I would not be adverse to a repeat performance."

"Me either."

**LATER THAT DAY...**

"Light-kun, would you like some pineapple upside-down cake?" L asked pleasantly as Watari wheeled up a tray teeming with sweets.

"No, thank you," Light replied, bewildered. It was rare for L to offer his sweets to anyone else. Was it because of what they had done the night before? Sleep with L, become entitled to sweets?

"Are you sure? Watari made it. It's delicious."

"I'm sure," Light said firmly. "You know I don't really care for sweets."

L huffed.

**LATER STILL...**

"Light-kun, I have toast with pineapple jam. May I tempt you?"

"No, thank you. I just had lunch."

**EVEN LATER...**

"Look, Light-kun! Watari made us fruit salad for dinner!"

"Mm, no thanks, I'm not really hungry."

"Are you thirsty? How about a glass of hand-squeezed pineapple juice?"

"Have you noticed that _everything_ Watari made today involved pineapple?" Light laughed, instead of answering. "What a funny coincidence. He must have over-purchased."

L sighed and slumped in his chair. "Yes, Light-kun. That must be it."


	230. Long Hair

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the songs Matt uses.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor, Dialogue**

* * *

"Mello, you have such pretty hair."

"Watch it."

"It's just so long and golden."

"Like other parts of me."

"Can I touch it?"

"My hair or my other parts?"

"Your hair."

"No."

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

"Shut the fuck up, Matt."

"_If I reach out to thee, do not tremble and shrink from the touch of my hand on thy haaaair..._"

"I'm gonna murder you."

"_Gimmie some 'o that hair, that long beautiful haaaair!_"

"This isn't Hair."

"Coulda fooled me."

"Fuck you."

"Sure!"

"Really?"

"Only if I can touch your hair."

"...Fine."


	231. Mello is Rather Sexy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Terraria.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

"Matt, can I talk to you?"

Evidently Matt wasn't too deeply submerged in the world of Terraria yet, because he quickly walled his character in for safety and then gave Mello his full attention. "Yeah? What's up?"

"A lady on the street gave me this pamphlet." He looked at it for a long moment before handing it to Matt. He looked away as Matt read it.

"'Change is possible with the love of-' Mello! This is an ex-gay program!"

Mello still wouldn't meet Matt's eye. "Yeah."

"Are you thinking about... going to this?"

He just shrugged.

"I mean, you're my best friend, Mels, so whatever you choose is fine... but..."

"But?"

"I dunno. You hear bad things about these places, you know? Suicide and stuff."

A little bit of Mello's natural cockiness leaked through his discomfort and half a smirk found its way to his lips. "Like I would ever actually kill myself. Me."

"I think," Matt said calmly, "that if you went to a place for two months where every day they told you you're bad and wrong, you might start to consider it." He handed the pamphlet back.

"That will never happen." Mello's voice was firm. "All that will happen is I'll come back straight."

_"And the world will be thrown into chaos_," Matt mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Hm?"

"What you just mumbled."

"Mumbled?"

Mello rolled his eyes. "Look. If random old ladies are walking up to me and giving me ex-gay pamphlets, I figure I should look into it. Okay? I'm gonna go."

"Like I said, whatever you want to do," Matt replied carefully. "Just know that you can come home at any time, right?"

"I get on the plane in a week."

"_See you in a week and two days."_

"What?"

"Nothing at all."

* * *

Matt didn't know a lot of things, but the one thing he _did_ know was Mello. A week and two days later, on the dot, had a skinny blond boy appearing on the doorstep with his suitcase, looking sullen. ...More sullen than usual.

The gamer grinned as he opened the door. "Missed you. You straight now?"

"No," he replied shortly, pushing past Matt to get inside.

"Good. They kick you out?" he tried again, taking Mello's bag away from him and to his room.

"No."

"They give up on you?"

"_No_, Matt!"

"Then why are you back so soon?"

"...Because I accidently un-converted all the counselors..."


	232. No Matter What

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Angst, romance**

* * *

Mello hadn't slept or eaten in a few days.

Frankly, it was miraculous that he was still functioning, still thinking at his best, eyes full of cold fire. He moved like a tiger, like a black panther, even more so when he was barely conscious, and so right now he appeared to be at his absolute best when I had actually never seen him worse. Like a wounded animal, he turned viscous, nearly feral when he let himself go this far.

_He _was miraculous, and I loved him. He didn't know it, or if he did it wasn't because I'd told him. I loved him broken and wild and beautiful, but more than that I just loved him.

It took an entire day of pleading, actual begging, before he slowed down enough to notice what he was doing to himself. After that, it hadn't taken me too long to force an entire carton of sweet and sour chicken down his throat. He was so hungry that he devoured it with his fingers, not bothering with rice or sauce.

Now, he was lying on our sofa, his head on a pillow on my lap, and it was three o'clock in the morning.

He didn't know it, probably, but I was watching him as his chest slowly rose and fell. I was stroking his hair softly, hoping it would help him sleep, so repeatedly that the oils from my hands made the smooth hair shiny even in the darkness. His scent was the only thing I could process. His scent and the burning, compressing feeling in my chest that I had come to associate with him, like a barbed wire slipknot wrapping around my ribs and then being _pulled_.

I could have sat like that forever, perfectly content, but of course he could never be still for very long.

Out of nowhere, he started, and in one fluid movement he snatched my hand where it rested on his hair and pulled, hard.

"Mello—"

I couldn't say another word, though, because of the look on his face. He stared at my palm with an intensity I couldn't find the words for, as it were the only thing in the world, and definitely the only thing that mattered. When he was satisfied that he either saw or didn't see what he was looking for, he sighed audibly and pressed my palm into his face.

There we stayed for a long time, my mind burning with questions about what nightmare could have brought that action on, but my heart beating too hard to speak, terrified that I'd destroy this moment despite how weird it felt to have someone digging their nose into your hand. It didn't matter, though. I would take any kind of closeness he could offer me, from being in the same room as him to giving him everything, if he'd let me.

"Hey Matt?"

His voice broke the silence, startled me out of my reverie. It was lower than I'd ever heard it, tight, mumbled.

"Yeah?"

"Promise you won't leave me?"

I was amazed he even had to ask. To myself, to everyone else, my actions spoke for themselves.

"Yes."

"No matter what?"

My heart came to my throat and stuck there, and for a moment I choked. With the hand that wasn't pinned under him, I brushed his hair from his eyes, sleepy and locked on me. I knew he was all but asleep, most likely wouldn't remember in the morning, but it didn't change anything. The person I loved, would always love, was there with his head on a little brown pillow on my lap, hair splayed out around him, the most stunning being I had ever seen.

It sounded melodramatic. It was, a little. But melodramatic or not, I meant it with absolutely every fiber I had. I loved him. I always _would _love him. I knew he didn't love me, and sometimes I wondered why he hung around me, called me his best friend, because at times I doubted that he even _liked_ me.

But there was no doubt in my mind, so my words came out easy, simple, like breathing, just how loving him was like breathing. Necessary, life-sustaining, but entirely simple.

"I promise."

He nodded and his eyes slipped closed.

Eventually, hours and hours later, legs numb, I managed to fall asleep as well, sitting up so as not to disturb him.


	233. Talk Dirty to Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L, Soichiro**

**Genre: Humor**

**Warnings: Language and explicit statements- avert your virgin eyes! XD**

**A/N: So! I said I would choose a new icon when FF re-enabled links, and links are re-enabled (on profiles)! As such, I have chosen the lovely creation of Krazy-K0ala! Look her up!**

**A link to her profile: httpCOLON/wwwDOTfanfictionDOTnet/u/2666051/**

**And to her DeviantArt: httpCOLON/krazy-k0alaDOTdeviantartDOTcom**

* * *

Light had always been far better at English than his father, and since L knew everything in the world, he was more than aware of this.

Which is why, one day, when they were alone in the main investigation room except for Soichiro, he felt perfectly comfortable saying, "Light-kun?"

Light dragged his gaze away from the huge pile of statistics he was trying to sort through. "Hm?"

In English, his voice perfectly friendly and not the least bit suspicious, L said, "When we get back to our room, I am going to remove my handcuff and instead chain you to the headboard. Then I am going to undress us both completely and fuck you slow and deep until you are so undone that your only coherent thought will be my name."

Had Light been holding anything, he would have dropped it.

"And then, when you are in tears, when you are a mewling, weeping puddle of gasping, sticky pleasure, when you are sure you will die from want of me, then, and only then, will I let you come."

"What's that, Ryuuzaki?" Soichiro said in Japanese, coming over to L and his son, who had turned the color of a sunburned beet, "I'm sorry, I don't understand much English."

"He was just thinking aloud!" Light blurted in Japanese. "He thinks better in English! It helps him think!"

Soichiro nodded agreeably and went back to his work.

L smirked. Under his breath, he said, "Well?"

"Absolutely."


	234. Object Permanence

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or 1KidsEntertainment.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: L, Watari**

**A/N: This one was inspired by an episode of 1KidsEntertainment's Death Note parody, which I love more than I love most other things in the world.**

**Also, in case you don't know, 'object permanence' is a person's understanding that objects continue to exist even when the person can't see them. Generally, people have developed this by the age of 2.**

* * *

"Where did I put my book?"

Watari blinked at his charge, seven years old and crouched unhealthily in a chair. He was going to have to break him of that habit before it got excessive. "Sir," he said, "you just put a piece of paper over it."

L looked at the piece of paper. "There's nothing there," he pointed out.

"Right. You put the piece of paper _over_ it."

"I don't understand."

Slowly, Watari reached down and picked up the piece of paper.

L brightened instantly. "Oh! My book! Excellent."

"Sir," Watari repeated, worried now, and then he trailed off. He took a few steps backwards to put himself behind L. L didn't seem to notice.

Very quickly, Watari put a hand on L's shoulder. L jumped a mile and shrieked in surprise.

"Oh! Watari! Hello."

And that was how Watari discovered that the world's future greatest detective, L, in whom he had invested countless millions of dollars, lacked object permanence.


	235. Worship

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: No idea**

* * *

"Matt!" Mello demanded from the kitchen of their tiny apartment. "Stop playing that game. You could be worshipping me right now."

Calmly, instantly, Matt turned off his 360. He didn't save. He stood and crossed to Mello.

When your god gave you an order, you obeyed it without hesitation.


	236. Polka Dots

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Romance, Drama**

**A/N: So! I started this... years ago, I believe, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I'll never finish it. So, have a super-special LONG Shorts and Sweets chapter. Feel free to skip it if its lack of shortness offends you on principle.**

* * *

"What... are you _wearing_?" Mello gasped, horrified.

Matt looked down at himself. "Clothes?" he suggested.

"Asshole. No. That. What is _that_?"

Matt followed Mello's pointing finger to his chest.

"Mello, it's a _shirt_. Some people don't wear sexy leather vests."

"No, idiot! _That_!" He jabbed him at an area of his chest.

"Um... a polka dot?" Matt ventured.

Mello stared at Matt's shirt. It was... _polka dots_. Green ones on a darker green background. Little, foreign _circles_ where there really, really should have been bars.

Mello's brain wasn't having it.

"But you're _Matt_," he explained.

Matt raised an eyebrow. "Correct."

"You wear _stripes_."

"Right... but you _do_ realize that they're not actually molecularly bonded to my skin, right?"

"But... _stripes_..."

"...So you're saying you only love me for the stripes?"

"No, it's just... you look different..." Mello was frowning.

"Mello, calm down."

"No. Give me Matt back." He was tearing up now.

"Mello, I'm right here."

"But I don't want Matt to change!" he cried. "This isn't right! Bring Matt, back, damnit! I want Matt back!"

He was really raring up now, and Matt knew better than to try to calm Mello down when he had gotten to this stage. The only thing he could do at this point was fix the problem- this was something close to a panic attack, and Mello was getting confused, and it was something that Mello would never, ever fake.

He didn't even bother saying anything, just ran to their bedroom and ripped off his shirt, finding a wadded-up, striped shirt (which may or may not have been used to clean them off the previous night) and yanking it on as he ran back to where Mello was now throwing things.

"Mello, Mello, I'm back, it's okay, put the toaster down," he said soothingly.

He rushed over to Mello to show him that nothing had changed; he wasn't gone.

Mello instantly, visibly relaxed, shoulders dropping back to normal, eyes unfogging a little, and put the intended projectile back where it belonged.

Matt took a few steps forward and hugged him, held him.

"S'okay," he assured him at a murmur. "Still here. Still your Matt. Always was. Will be."

Mello's heart rate eventually returned to normal, the angry and frantic tears on his face largely dry.

Seeing his lover like this never failed to shake Matt. And he had never been like this when they were kids- there _had_ been a point at which they were able to be away from each other for more than a day without Mello flipping his shit.

Now, that was a long time ago.

Matt was tempted to call it posttraumatic stress. It didn't quite fit, but Matt had no other word for it—what else could you call Mello's sudden, terrified, vacant but crazed... freakouts? Breakdowns?

Mello simply lost it, now, whenever something or someone even _hinted_ at Matt being away from him.

If Matt hadn't been captured by the police on night of the Takada kidnapping, if Mello hadn't had to abandon his mission to bust Matt out...

* * *

It was good, Matt thought, that between Roger, A, Beyond Birthday, and Near, Wammy's House for Extraordinary Children sounded so made-up that he could sing like a canary and it wouldn't make the slightest difference.

Because Matt didn't really have a lot of self-control for a lot of things, and one of the things he didn't have a lot of self-control for included not selling out Near, and if the Wammy info had been believed then he would have been all kinds of a traitor.

As it stood, he was really quite thankful for his ability to sound sarcastic in any situation, and he was also thankful for all the practice he had, thanks to the time when Mello left, with omitting Mello from stories. This time, though, it wasn't a coping mechanism for _him_- it was the only way to keep Mello alive. When it came to _that_, Matt had a _shitload _of self-control.

Because if they got the name and/or face of the one trying to kidnap Kira's spokeswoman... Although that was Mello's plan, Matt couldn't let it go down like that. His boyfriend wasn't a pawn or a warm body to take a fall, and catching Kira just was not that important.

Not compared to protecting Mello.

Matt would happily let Kira wipe out the entire population if it meant keeping Mello alive. And Matt's _parents_ were still out there somewhere, probably. His barely-remembered baby sister.

All unimportant, relatively.

This is what he thought about as what was once the Japanese police and was now an army of Kira drones dragged some kind of chemical across the cuts... _gouges_... they had previously put on his body.

It stung like a bitch and Matt hissed in pain.

"Wanna repeat that?" came a gruff, low voice. "Wammy House for _what_, now?"

"Extraordinary Children," he spat back, mockingly. "It's a home for genius orphans in England. We go there to learn how to replace L when he dies."

The guard sneered. "You piece of shit," he growled, slapping Matt very, very hard across the face. His tooth caught on his inner cheek and tore it. Matt tasted blood and spat it out.

Onto the guard's face.

The man didn't flinch, didn't even make a move to clean himself off. Instead, he just smacked Matt across the other cheek.

"Careful," Matt warned him cheerfully. "That guy who kidnapped Takada? He's my gay lover. I'm gay. So I automatically have AIDS and I just spit blood all over you."

The 'police officer' rolled his eyes and just hit him a few more times.

"Oh, not heterosexist? Okay, then: I'm part Puerto Rican. Does _that_ bother you? My grandmother was a Jew? No? Wow, you're such a- goob pershun." He had been elbowed in the teeth. He spat out blood, saliva, and a tooth. "Can't regrow those, you know?" he said indignantly.

"I'll stop. Just as soon as you tell us _everything_ you know about the kidnapping of Lady Takada."

"I told you." Matt forced a cocky grin, hurting everywhere. If it came to it, he'd let himself be tortured to _death_ before he gave them a name, a face, or a way to find either piece of information. "It was an _alien_. I only got a glimpse, but he was definitely purple."

"Young. Female. Blond hair. Motorcycle," the man reminded him, twisting his arm further back on each word for emphasis.

If Matt survived, he was _so_ gonna tell Mello that all the guards thought he was a chick. Matt had always told him so... with that _hair_...

As the guard twisted his arm, he considered that it was quite possible he would never get to _see_ Mello again. Let alone tease him about his girly hair, or kiss him, or-

"I'm telling you. It was a _guy_ on that motorcycle. Also, he's my big, gay lover and we fuck _all_ the time. You _wish_ your sex life was as good as ours is. Seriously. I bet you have dreams about getting as much sex as I do, and-"

With a sharp twist, the policeman dislocated Matt's shoulder, and the boy gritted his aching teeth and suppressed a moan of pain.

"You have some serious anger problems, do you know that, Sam?"

"My name's not Sam."

"Bob?"

"No."

"Carl?"

"No."

"Frank, you have some serious anger problems and I really think you should get them-"

As 'Frank' twisted Matt's nearly broken arm, Matt thought about how grateful he was that they'd had that unit on torture at Wammy's.

* * *

_Suspect was taken into custody under suspicion of conspiring with the kidnapper of Lady Takada. The police are currently questioning-_

Mello stared at the TV from the van, the kidnapped woman in question in the back.

No.

Matt wasn't supposed to be caught... and he sure as _hell_ wasn't supposed to be getting _questioned_...

In Kira's world, it was common knowledge what 'questioning' meant. Usually, it involved very few actual questions and even _more_ commonly, it was fatal.

And they had him.

As of that moment, the plan changed. Mello whipped around in his seat and, taking careful aim through the little window, shot this "Lady Takada" through the head. A little piece of paper fluttered out of her hands, but it didn't even register in Mello's brain at this point.

Normally, he would have felt a little stab of guilt. As badass as he knew he was, he was still Catholic. He still believed, and it's not like the rules about what's a sin had changed for him just because he was now awesome.

_Normally_, however, he had Matt. His... what, his compassion? His... _human_.

Without Matt, Mello _wasn't_ human.

He was just a berserker. A machine that was armed to the fucking _teeth. _A monster.

And now, with Matt gone, that monster's complete and utter lack of giving a fuck about the _rules of_ _what's a sin_ lent itself nicely to his newly-formed plan, the only parameters of which: get Matt back.


	237. Abandon All Hope

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light, L**

**Genre: Idk. Not cheerful.**

**A/N: You know how L is there waiting for Light at the end of the last episode? (Or is a hallucination?) What I don't understand is why everyone, including myself, assumes he's benevolent.**

* * *

Light felt the exquisite sensation of his own heart beating for the last time and he knew that, somewhere, Ryuk had finally written his name like he had promised in the very beginning.

And it was okay, Light thought. It wasn't the plan, it wasn't what he wanted and he was damn reluctant to leave the world he ruled, but this wouldn't be terrible. Ceasing to exist, like the aforementioned Shinigami had confirmed for him. Just nothingness, just MU.

His eyes were closing and for the first time in his life (but this wasn't his _life_ anymore, was it?) he had absolutely no say in the matter. His vision was going blurry as parts of his brain shut down from oxygen deprivation, as one by one he lost his facilities, as...

As, apparently, the washed-out figure of L came to meet him.

Light's eyes closed all the way, and he died.

Then he sat up.

Instinctively, Light understood that his body, at least how he was used to experiencing it, didn't follow the motion. He looked at L. The detective was clearer now as he approached where Light was propped up on the stairs. His eyes were still huge and round, even in death, but they were dull, and his laugh was sharp and brief as he came level to Light.

Some basic thing in Light's soul (which apparently existed, good to know...) told him exactly what the specter in front of him really was.

Accordingly, he tried to recoil, but L reached out and latched onto him, his long, white fingers breaking the surface of Light's not-flesh with a stab of agony. "But you were the good guy," Light wheezed, watching in horror as L's fingers sank into his skin, clamping around his lungs with nails like knives.

"By some definitions, perhaps," L replied, voice flat in a way it had never been in life, even at its flattest. "But to others my motives were suspect." The sharp laugh happened again. "You would know all about suspect motives, Kira."

Light couldn't argue with that, not after how he had come upon his death.

Seeing this hesitation, a twisted, triumphant grin oozed its way onto L's lips and his voice became very loud. "Now you see that, then? Perhaps I win, after all!" One last time, he laughed, and then his fingers were around Light's heart and he squeezed and Light tried to breathe but couldn't. "If not," he added thoughtfully, "at least I get to be the one to drag you to Hell."

"Hell?" Light managed to say around the sensation of his internal organs being run over by a steamroller.

L's eyes were dark and dull and deep, but he smiled. "Abandon all hope, Light Yagami," he said softly. He didn't bother to cover up his cold glee. "There is no MU for us. For you, as for me, there is only Hell."

Light's eyes went wide as L's fingers tightened even more around Light's heart.

L twisted.


	238. Language Barrier

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor**

**Warning: Language. XD**

* * *

Matt and Mello were sitting on the couch in companionable silence, watching some random TV show, when Matt mumbled to himself, "Fag..."

Suddenly Matt's entire world was blond hair and leather as Mello sprang to his feet and rounded on him. His eyes were on fire. "Excuse me?" he shrieked, getting right into Matt's personal space and in direct defiance of the laws of acoustics managing to make his voice even louder. "_Excuse me_? What the fuck did you just call me?! Do you want to say that again so I can introduce your fucking skull into the fucking wall, you cunt-sucking _breeder_?! You think just because we're friends you can call me _that?!_ Well you _can't_, you understand? Do you _comprehend?! _I will _kill _you if you ever use that word around me again, and I _won't_ make it painless and I _won't_ get caught, you know I won't, and I will make _certain_ they never find your shredded corpse and that if they do the only thing recognizable will be your asshole which will have a cucumber shoved _so far up it_ that they'll think it was your motherfucking _cause of death!_"

Matt's mouth was hanging open and he gaped at his best friend. When he felt like he could think again, he held up the cigarette he had been reaching for. "Born in London," he choked.

Mello stopped.

He stood up straight.

He cleared his throat.

Gracefully as possible, he made his exit.


	239. No Hate

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Light**

**Genre: Humor, Satire**

**A/N: This may or may not be a statement against a very-specific hate group that may or may not actually sound similar to how I portray them. Please not that this is **_**not**_** a satire against people who simply disagree with the subject.**

* * *

The demonstration had been going on for a few hours, now, and was gaining media attention at an amazing rate, and Light watched it all happen on television, scowling as people with signs marched angrily around some important building or another.

_"One can only wonder how Kira may feel about this protest," _one announcer said, looking grimly at the camera. _"When homosexuality was briefly criminalized in a previous chapter of Shorts and Sweets, Kira did not take action against the newly-dubbed criminals. From this we surmise that Kira does, in fact, support the gay community, and he may not appreciate a demonstration of this-"_

One of the protesters snatched the microphone away from the reporter, shoving her rudely aside. _"God hates fags! We're demonstrating at the funeral of this murdered, heterosexual teacher because God killed him in retaliation against the recent legalization of gay marriage in several American states. Fags will burn in—"_

The reporter finally got herself together, wrestling her microphone from the protester's hands. _"-Demonstration of this nature,_" she finished firmly. The camera panned to the protesters and their signs, then cut to an interview with their leader, his name appearing under him.

_"God hates them,"_ he said matter-of-factly. _"The gays. The recent increase in shootings in schools and movie theaters is clearly proof that God is displeased with the way we are handling ourselves down here. I can't stress this enough, God hates fa-"_

Suddenly, the man dropped dead.

"I do not hate fags," Light grumbled to himself, putting away the Death Note.


	240. King of the Lions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Lion King.**

**Characters: Matt, Mello**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: RavenFire40 DEMANDED that I write this. XD**

* * *

"Sick, no, bro this is sick."

"Chicken. And did you just call me bro?"

"Yes I called you bro. And this is sick."

"The only sick thing is that you called me bro but we've been fucking since the age of fourteen."

"Fine. _Mello_. _My big gay lover, Mello. _ Let's stop reading."

"No one is making you. Just stop."

"No way, you first."

"Not gonna happen."

"Why, do you like it?"

"Of course I don't fucking like it, but I'm not gonna be a bigger chicken-shit than _you_."

"Fine!"

They glared at the computer screen.

Eventually, as the characters in question reached the peak of pleasure, Matt scrunched up his face and gave up.

As he walked away, fully aware that he would be hearing about his retreat for years to come, he grumbled, "Why the fuck would Simba abbreviate her name to 'Na' in the throes of passion?"


	241. Therapy is Expensive

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Near, Light, Task Force**

**Genre: Humor**

* * *

Finally, it was the great reveal. After so long searching, Light had finally cornered Near, would finally have him dead. He opened the door slowly, ready for absolutely anything to be awaiting him behind-

"No! What's he doing here!"

It was L. His features were rounder than Light remembered, but it had been several years and no pictures of L existed so it was hard to keep him accurate in his memory. Also, he was sitting crunched up on the floor, and he was smaller, and he was wearing white pajamas. But it was L. There was no question of that.

"...Light?" Matsuda asked worriedly from beside him. "That's just a-"

"But L's supposed to be dead!" Light declared to no one in particular.

"Light," Mogi said firmly.

Tearfully, Light crossed the room and threw his arms around Near's neck. "Ryuuzaki, Ryuuzaki, I'm so glad you're alive... I have so many things I wanted to tell you but never could because I thought I killed you with the Death Note..."

They had Light arrested in short order.

Near was glad the case was solved, but the price of all the therapy he required afterwards was just _ridiculous._


	242. Rem Writes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Rem**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: So... Ryuk wrote "Death Note" in English on his Death Note. Rem wrote something in the Shinigami language. Why do we all assume it's "Death Note?" List generated with assistance from my roommate, SpeedDemon**

* * *

Rem had two notebooks. One was her Death Note, one was a notebook where she kept other information. Unfortunately, she kept confusing them at the worst possible times. A few times over the centuries, she had tried to kill a human and had ended up with a random human name in the middle of her notes about other things. It was most inconvenient.

Well, no longer. With determination, she got out the pen she had had for as long as she could remember. It was time to label them.

On one, she wrote _Death Note_.

The other, in a firm hand, she finally identified as _Bank Statements._

There. Now there would never again be any confusion as to which notebook was...

Damn it.

She probably should have _opened_ the notebooks to check which was which _before_ she permanently mislabeled them both.

* * *

**Alternatives: Last Will and Testament, Grocery List, Celebrities to Sleep With (Misa), Pokemon Cards Still Needed, There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins, Holy Bible**


	243. Poor Roger

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note**

**Characters: Roger, others**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Because so many people have fics where Roger walks in on some combination of the boys going at it.**

* * *

After a long day of accidentally walking in on his underage students having sex, Roger Ruvie liked to curl up by the fireplace in his bedroom with a very-thick, color-illustrated book about grasshoppers and read until he fell asleep.


	244. Candy Games

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**Characters: Mello, Matt**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks for the idea, Seqka711! It was ages ago, but I'm finally getting around to it! XD Apparently these video games exist.**

* * *

When Matt walked into the apartment that day with a self-satisfied smirk, Mello knew that he had every right to be suspicious and, probably, worried. Matt was a rather smirky fellow, but when he wore _that _smirk it usually meant he'd proven Mello wrong about something.

Mello didn't have to admit it, however, and didn't really intend to.

"Mellooooo..." Matt called, locking the door behind himself and turning to point the smirk at Mello.

Mello narrowed his eyes. "What."

Matt's smirk grew, and Mello knew he was _really_ in trouble. "Oh, just, you know."

"What, Matt," Mello tried to growl threateningly. But the sad truth was that he was pretty damn afraid of Matt sometimes. Sometimes. Not a lot. But, well, it happened. Occasionally.

Matt came all the way into the room, kicking off his boots and strutting all the way over to Mello. He had something behind his back, and for one insane and worrying moment, Mello wished he was Near so that he'd be able to magically know what Matt was holding.

He made a mental note to boil his face after this.

"You know how you said you would never play video games with me?" Matt asked, voice sweet but face locked in that smirk.

"Yes..."

"Well," Matt said, holding up a game in its case, "what about this one?"

Mello stared at the cartoony cover, initially repulsed by the very suggestion that _he _waste _his_ intellect on _video games_. But then he looked closer, trying to see what made this one special, and he realized:

It was a game about M&Ms.

The chocolate candy.

The _delicious _chocolate candy. Even if it was just the cheap stuff.

Matt all but preened at the obvious crisis he'd given Mello. "You'll notice that this is a game about chocolate," he observed. "So, Mello, what do you care about more?" He smiled like a vampire. "Your morals, or chocolate?"

Mello opened his mouth to declare that it was his morals, his morals were more important.

The words wouldn't come out.

He scowled. "Put it in."


End file.
